I’ve failed raising my ds

Well the poor boy has been failed all round then. School absolutely can and do act whenever something happens to a pupil wearing their uniform. If they’re walking to and from school and get attacked by another pupil, of course school become involved. The school failed him massively here.

Having said that, rather than de-reg and not homeschool him so he presumably hasn’t done GCSEs, you should have sought alternative provision. Colleges tend to accept children who have had a tough time at school so they can at least do their core GCSEs. Now he has no qualifications, isn’t in education or work and he’s spending his time terrorising his mum by the sound of things.

He was also failed by his dad obviously who has decided to essentially wash his hands. You can see and understand why he’s acting out. He has no direction in life right now at all. You need some support urgently.

if he smashes his phone he doesn’t get another or he gets a dumb phone. natural consequences.

speak to your internet provider and the mobile phone company about permanently blocking porn and putting restrictions on it for a 16 year old.

change the passwords on your router and your own mobile phone as those will be his next port of call when he realises his fun is being stopped.

where does he get money from? if it’s you i’d suggest you stop. but he will kick off so that’s where you need help. and probably the police will end up having to speak to him.

your house your rules. however he will likely ignore you because he walks all over you. this is what you need social services for. he needs help and so do you.

you tried to spare him being bullied (which to be quite honest may well have been school natural consequences as he sounds like a pain in the arse). yet it’s ok for him to do this bullying to you?
you need professional help.
your way has not worked. he will end up with nothimg and nobody if you dont seek help soon. youve left it late. i understand why. but now is the time to act not procrastinate. ss immediately before he becomes an incel.

At 17 he really needs to do some sort of college course or apprenticeship to be able to have some life chances op. Take a look st this you can filter by age amd qualification level. If he did an apprenticeship he could get a wage and likely have a good male role model as well. You need to tell him that he will need to start earning and present something like this as an option. Also agree some house rules. https://www.skillsforcareers.education.gov.uk/your-training-options?utm_medium=Search&utm_source=Search&utm_campaign=YP-Eng&utm_term=PPC&utm_content=Interim&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23085553161&gbraid=0AAAAAqpLasyfYJV2vYmOPQWi8GzHNfwZn&gclid=CjwKCAjwi-zWBhAdEiwAqlRf-PyXlnE54yC5Uxiz8QjwA8EZzhM7QbPWhL7QwFcJEc8L72OcO2T9bxoCpPgQAvD_BwE

If he has had no educaton since 11 he is going to need to catch up on the basics before going onto an apprenticeship. College should be able to give advice on access or similar courses. You need outside help of some sort. There are many local programmes available in most areas. Have a google for things like family support, work support. If you call the the education dept of your local council they may be able to point you in the right direction.

I think your best bet now, if you're able to, is to build a relationship with him. It's not going to be easy as he's clearly angry and stressed out and very upset about being left to his own devices (literally, with phones) and ignored by his father, which for boys is especially important as it can provide a role model for becoming a man. But it can be done

The p*rn thing is especially concerning and I think a good relationship with you as a woman and his beloved mama would be a good starting point in trying to connect to women in a less insane manner, which to be fair society is allowing by making such content readily available to all.

As a first step I would say that you need to help him with the tidying of his room. I'm assure you're fed up with it but it's a great place to start making him feel supported by you and loved despite everything, even if late in the day. Go to him and tell him you'll help tidying up his room as long as he spends time doing that with you and that you'll go through anything, together. Being a teenager he'll probably mock you in some way for saying that but part of him will take it in and make the most of it. Stick to it. It will take time and dedication and you'll have to be there every day doing something together. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as you talk to each other and it doesn't have to cost the Earth as long as it's a fun thing to do. What are his likes that are positive and healthy? Skateboards? Swimming? Walks on the beach? Music? Ask him or observe what he pays attention to.

At least you've been present, if not attentive. Forgive yourself your wrongs and arrange some fun (for him) activities together. It isn't too late but you have to do it. Dedicate your full attention to him in a positive way as in not just when you're angry about something. I know it can be exhausting and discouraging but see if you can try. Good luck!

@Cailin66 The army are highly unlikely to be interested in a traumatised 17 year old with no education whatsoever and behavioural issues!
Neither are most places offering apprenticeships…. apprenticeships are very competitive.
Op does however need external support, at this point things are way past what she alone can fix! Social services would be a first step to at least signpost

I think once you've got an adult sized young person and just one involved parent you inevitably need outside support to turn things around. There's no shame in contacting social services here OP.

I'm sorry but she has failed him, pulling him out of school and not bothering to home educate is a choice. Even more so with the mental health challenges she has had he would've been better off in school

Being beaten up in school on a daily basis would have been better?

So he has no GCSEs? He must feel very lost and like he has no future. I’d be trying to get him into some kind of college apprenticeship. He can’t be left to reach adulthood without any prospect of a decent job.

You deregistered him from school in year 7 and he’s now nearly 17 - has he had any regular education at all? Daily tutors? Did he have therapy? You said he was bullied - he could’ve moved schools. It sounds like he’s had a lot of spare time to mix with the wrong people in real life and online. I think it’s too late for you to do anything now as he’s almost an adult and he’ll need to want to change.

I think all you can do now is try and connect with him in some way.
Definitely don’t worry about the messy room.
I really don’t like the way he is speaking to you. I would tell him the next time he is in and calm that you love him and because you love him you won’t be replacing his phone if he breaks it again- that’s not how the world works and it’s not doing him any favours.

Is there anything you can do together? A hobby he would like to take up, or going out for food or a film? I would start there,

What does he do for money at the moment? What’s his routine like? Does he ever open up to you?

There are college course for kids without GCSEs so I would also start looking with him for Sept so he has something to look forward to etc.

No but going to a different school probably would have been

Firstly, it is his father who has failed him. Secondly, life circumstances have been incredibly hard for you. For this, you must cut yourself some slack.

However, you now acknowledge there are huge problems, whatever and whoever caused them. There is some very good advice on here to help you draw a line under what has led to this point and begin to find support for him. But you seem quite resistant to the advice - including the involvement of social services.

It is clear you have reached a point where you cannot turn your/ your son's lives around without significant outside intervention. I am so sorry you are in this situation, but it's only within your gift to change things. I strongly recommend you putting in a self referral to social services. It is not the stigma, or the failure, you probably think it is.

Good luck.

Omg poor kid 💔

You say he only went for 1 term at secondary school - so what has he been doing for the past 5 years?
You say you homeschooled him - so was this a 9-3 timetable every day with lots of hobbies and social activities?
What sports does he play?

I’m struggling to believe you have been efficiently homeschooling him with all of your issues.

If he’s 17 now, is he enrolled in college or on an apprenticeship?

Does he have any real life friends?
You say you have an older stepson are you close to him to use him as a good role model?

Of course he’s going to be using racist language and watching violent porn when it sounds like he spends all day online and not being part of the real world.
This is only going to get worse if things don’t change.

No point worrying about the school thing now- it’s done. But there’s lots of courses at colleges and training providers for all levels so- they can either resit English and math gcse alongside a level 1 course or do functional skills- don’t worry about the school thing- it’s not for everyone.

And what did the police do when you reported the crime?

Did you not try and find another school for him?

You need to call social services and get them to help before it is too late. If you're not mentally we'll enough to deal with him then you need to seek support. You need someone to talk to.

You don’t just de-register a child because of bullying.

You at least try another school, even if it’s forest school or something.

I do not believe OP has been able to efficiently homeschool him if she had so many mental health issues.

He’s basically had no education, mo routine, no decent socialisation or positive role models for the past 5 years and I think it’s going to be incredibly difficult for him to now go back into education or get a job.

In situations like this I always wonder if the parent sits the kid down and apologises profusely without excuses, explains that they really messed up and acknowledge it’s the child who suffers all the consequences.

Im sorry to hear about your daughter, I will admit I probably wouldn’t handle something like that very well either, but you really can’t just leave the living children out on the line because of it.

Wishing your son well and hope that he has a fantastic adulthood to make up for his rubbish childhood.

All the best OP. X

Yes she was but that doesn't mean she parented him the way he needed. She withdrew him from school aged 11 and then seemingly neglected him severely from that point on.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dd op 💐

Op many sixteen years old boys are awful who have had input from two parents and who have been in ft school, and who have not suffered such a significant bereavement.

Your ds has had significant disadvantages in his background but it doesn’t help him or you if you beat yourself up about this. The point is, what is going to happen from now on.

I agree with pp that it would be good if you are in a position to move and make a fresh start, perhaps near other relatives, but if that’s not possible financially, then could you reach out to the army cadets in your area if you think your ds would be interested?

If you put your postcode in to this form, it will show the nearest detachment to you:

https://armycadets.com/

There is also some excellent advice for parents on this site eg what to do about challenging behaviour.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/

It also sounds like he might be getting aggressive towards you so you could consult
PEGS UK:

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

Your ds is not going to be fully mature for about ten years yet op so I think one of the most important things is for you to work on your own mental health and assertiveness so you can be there for your ds for the long haul.

It’s great you are working on your agoraphobia and anxiety as one of the most important things parents can do for dc is to be good role models and if he sees you overcoming struggles, you will have more credibility and authority with your son when you appeal to him to work on his own future,

A messy bedroom is the least of your worries, your DS needs boundaries and structure:

**getting him occupied in some sort of education and some form of trainee work or hybrid of the two

**tackling the racism; I’d be hauling my son over to the neighbour’s house and getting him to apologise for his language and carry out some outdoor tasks for them, but it doesn’t sound like your ds would be compliant with that

**tackling the porn by changing the wi fi password or limiting access to it, or limiting acccess to a phone itself.

Do you have any good male influences in your extended family op, or male friends who could step in and give your ds some direction? If he is out of the house at all hours and you don’t know where he is or what he is doing, it sounds like he needs much stronger boundaries than you can provide alone.

Op, you sound really concerned for your ds and like you are at the end of your rope. I think one of the most important things you could do for him now is admit that you can’t tackle this by yourself and reach out for support to GP, family services, SS, or any of the organisations listed above.

His dad deserved a lot fo the blame, for that very reason - not raising his own child.

She's been more present than his absent father. Of course his father is a very large factor in this. Children need a father, especially boys. Children need to feel loved by both parents, not completely abandoned by one. On top of that the father hurt the mother and had both OP and their child ostracised by their community and they had to leave. The majority of the blame does lay with the waste of space father. The boy and OP need therapy to deal with what the waste of space put them both through.
I say this as someone who had an abusive father and an emotionally unavailable mother. It was only when I understood what led to my mum being emotionally unavailable that I was able to heal.