I’ve failed raising my ds

It's never too late. Especially at 16. Some bridging education and an appropriate mentor could set him on track. He has to be ready to make that effort though.

Are you saying that he has had no education since he was 11? Has had no secondary education whatsoever and he’s now nearly 17?

He is not going to get any help from his mum, and why would he listen to her at this point anyway? And she won’t call social services or anyone else for help. Unfortunately, it may very well be too late given the circumstances are going to continue without change.

The poor lads had no education! What do you expect?

Ah OP this sounds so tough. Teenagers can be awful. I do think you need to try to
talk to him and lay some ground rules down. Take his phone away as a consequence. Is there a make relative in the picture who can act as role model and support you?

Don’t beat yourself up. Kids were never meant to only have one parent, and his dad being a total loser is not your fault. His dad has a lot to answer for.

What is happening about his education now? Is he back in a setting and getting the basic qualifications he needs to get a job?

All is not lost OP - you are doing and saying the right things and some of it will go in.

Relationally, I think there is a huge gap to bridge. Maybe with maturity he will be able to see things from his mother's side, though he may not ever accept the educational neglect (because that's what it was).

My comment was more relating to education. I've helped people in their 30s to overcome gaps in education. It's never too late for that.

I support OP taking her child out of school, given the bullying situation. Even if there was no immediate new school lined up. Unfortunately the first action wasn't to get him into some new form of educational setting. I do wonder if OP wasn't well, so that fell by the wayside?

Regardless, the situation is what it is now and OP needs to get some sort of support in place to help sort things. She clearly can't do it by herself. I've worked with an organisation that would have been great at helping sort the son's and OP's needs in a caring, pragmatic and friendly way. Asking for help isn't something to be scared of.

Hi @Lastradaleia you could contact your local FE provider. I work in the sector and I know there are lots of new, funded initiatives which seek to engage young people like your DS. These are not necessarily full time programmes, many are 'bite size'. Please don't listen to nasty pricks like @Merrybandofpirateswho seemingly have nothing to add, other than to smugly point fingers - good luck, there is support out there, for you both 🙏🏼

@Merrybandofpirates have you considered winding your neck in?

Are we supposed to all just pretend that it’s ok to have done this to a child?

If OP had come on here ready to take action, then I’d have supported her and helped. But all she’s really said is “I won’t be involving social services.” And her son really does need some outside involvement here - he needed it a long time ago. He isn’t going to get it.

I'm sure OP didn't want to lose her daughter and have to raise her son alone when his father took off. OP has struggled with a lot of challenges too. At this point, all that can be done is to work from how things are and where they stand in the present. Which is what any support agency will do.

I understand you are scared of social service OP, as you probably picture child protection intervention and losing your son. That doesn't have to be it at all. There are plenty of agencies who will help you take action to make things better. They can't make your son engage but they can support OP with the situation regardless. If the son engages, so much the better. I always found in this kind of work acknowledging feelings and experience was the best start to engaging.

Educationally, it wasn't best what happened for OP's son. She was right to take him away from the bullying though. I suspect OP had personal barriers to getting him into alternative education. No, it's not ideal, OP has acknowledged that, but all is not lost.

I'd encourage OP to come from a point of acknowledging that things haven't been ideal, having compassion for herself for the things she couldn't or didn't do and for her son's experiences, and looking forward rather than backwards.

I am so sorry. You have had a terrible time.

I think it is never too late.

Can you get some help, CAMHS or whatever?

My son is not in the same boat as yours but he did have a lot of time out of education.

He is now 16 and he has started on a programme at a local college of higher education.

Please do not give up. It is never too late.

And it's not too late for you to get help with your own feelings having lost a child. Xxxxx

I wonder if he felt your resentment of his dad's affair through the years. My dd father was a right shit thru my pregnancy and beyond but that is my child. Same age as yours and teens are not easy. Pick and chose your battles wisely and please remember he is your child he is not his father.

Speak to both your Internet provider and phone provider to block the pawn sites. If he smashes his phone don't get him another

He needs a job or education or let him enroll in the army he can't just sit around doing nothing (,or doing as he please) and insulting you

Post covid a lot of young people dropped out of education. It is much more common than people would think.

OP you are not alone.

Please go and see your GP for your mental health and ask for advice for your son.

The poor kid has had one trauma after another.I am not surprised you dont kniw where to start! i think you need professional advice and he needs counselling.

What school? He was deregistered and removed several years ago.