I’ve failed raising my ds

My son is adopted and so we had some post adoption support.

One thing we tried was Non-Violent Resistance NVR. It is worth looking it up online and reading about it.

One other thought, could you and your son do a short session volunteering together? I know it will seem impossible to even think of it so you may need to do it alone at first.

It would give you a chance to meet people. Get out if the house for a very short time.

It could be with animals in a rescue centre, in a community or church cafe, in a charity shop. There is likely to be the chance of a very flexible arrangement so you are not committed if you do not enjoy it.

I don’t want social services to house him though because that’ll make him feel like i’m giving up on him but maybe he’d be better off far away from me

They won’t house him if you don’t want him to move out.

They just help with whatever he needs help with.

I wonder if this is a factor.

I realise it’s not a simple issue to fix but if he perceives you to be drifting and unmoored with few goals in your life he is going to see his own future in these terms.

I appreciate finding work isn’t easy when you have been out of it for a long time. But someone else mentioned volunteering.

I think its really important for children and young people to perceive that their role models have some goals and drive in their lives.

OP you have trued so much, you have done lots for him. Yiu approached police abd GP for help. You have not failed him. The system has but it is not too late.

Thepeopleversuswork

Maybe the OP not working is a factor influencing how she feels but i doubt her son is taking his cue from her. Some kids have mums who don't work. My husband works full- time and I work part-time and my son dropped out for three years. My friend's kid dropped out and she had also worked. So, I don't think the OP's lack of a job is a factor.

Post covid a lot of kids just realised they did not need to go to school.

I can’t help with your son OP. But I wanted to send you my love you have had a tough tough time. I think focussing on looking after yourself will help and could also help your DS long term.

I’ve had a traumatic past and after a huge nervous breakdown about 8 years ago I was diagnosed with agoraphobia and CPTSD among other things. So I knoe hoe very very very hard it is. How overwhelmed you will feel. How anxious about literally nothing ,I can end up shaking in bed from what the old me should regard as nothing whatsoever. it’s a MH illness that creeps in give you horrific symptoms as well as worry and doesn’t ever leave properly. That’s how I feel anyway.

start with small lovely self care steps. Did you have talking therapy? I had ten sessions on the NHS to try to help me manage my agoraphobia. So I assume you had similar.

I’m going through a stressful period of my life and it’s all coming back again currently. It’s stormy here too so hunker down for the weekend. Can you manage the TV or radio at thr moment, I’m ok with the radio for a bit as not so full on. So this weekend I’m pottering at home, will have radio on, done a few chores, will try to cook a couple of wholesome meals, and will attempt a jigsaw or a book. But it’s ok if you can’t do any of that and just sit and rest. It’s exhausting.

no help to you but I went out for a car ride today as a passenger, only saw sone people in a car park whilst the driver dashed in a shop for something but it’s the first time I’ve left the house in six weeks. Sending you love and a hug x

OP is he year 11 or 12?

If he’s year 12 why did he not start college or apprenticeship in September?

I don’t agree with you pulling him out of school but that’s done, however he still needs to go to college/do an apprenticeship.

He can’t just do nothing with his life.
These are the best years of his life.

Is he overweight/skinny?
If he’s not too self conscious then the gym or a sport would be good for him as he sounds like he struggles with his masculinity.

You also need to be a good role and do activities yourself.
If he sees you barely leaving the home, not working, not having friends etc then of course he’s going to do the same.

You’re also an individual and need to be enjoying life.
It’s so sad that both of you seem to have no aspirations.

Ps I was a lone parent too after significant trauma (this led to my MH decline). The other parent had parental rights revoked so I can fully relate. You have been the two parents whilst the other did absolutely nothing. My DC is in their 30s now I still get the moods and resentment, it’s aimed at us as there’s no one else to blame.

https://www.youthemployment.org.uk/careers-advice-help/choices/online-skills-and-careers-courses/journey-to-work-free-online-course/

look for online options there are all sorts of things.

He is uneducated. Possibly with very. Possibly low literacy level. What did you envisage him doing at college?

My son does GCSE maths and English, life skills and some careers input. The course is designed for those who have been out of education.

OP why not see if anything like that it is on offer. It may not be too late.

He might be willing.

He should’ve started college in september but he wouldn’t come with me to look at open days and even if i got him signed up he wouldn’t have gone

Its so difficult as you can’t physically drag him to it but right now he’s acting like it’s either college or nothing but the nothing shouldn’t be an option.

I gave my DC an option - either education (college or apprenticeship) or full time work.
I encouraged education as the easier option.

The biggest challenge with kids not going to school is that they then think college and work etc is a choice when it’s not.

You need to start giving him the choice of work vs college and not allowing nothing to be an option.
This is where something like social services may be able to help as if he had a youth worker they might help to encourage him.

The problem is that you’re now trying to do a full u-turn on your parenting which means it’s inconsistent and he won’t trust you.

You’ve spent nearly half of his educational life telling him he doesn’t need to go to school, work hard, get an education and plan for his future. To suddenly switch up and expect him to trust what you’re now saying is extremely difficult.

Have you tried saying to him that you’ve messed up? That you made some bad decisions along the way but that you’re sorry, you’re ready and willing to face up to that and to help him try and find a path forward?

Sometimes kids need to hear us say that we’ve fucked up.

What A level did you imagine him being able to do @Lastradaleia ?