I’ve failed raising my ds

It’s not too late, but only if you act now. It will be tough and you may face some uncomfortable times working through things with him but a PP is right in saying you are viewing some potential (justified) questions/criticism from social services as being worse than carrying on doing nothing!

You’ve allowed him to lead on decisions and direction when you should have been doing it. No issues with removing him from a school where he was being bullied, but he needed to be supported straight into another school. You’ve both been dealt a shitty hand and you’ve been honest about your struggles, but you had a responsibility as his mum to DO something to help both him and yourself. You need to do it now. Don’t just write him off, step up and be his mum even if he pushes back at first.

You're like the devil on her shoulder keeping repeating not to bother and refuting the other good suggestions people have made with the more tempting advice that no one will do anything so she's right to do nothing. I posted upthread a link to an example of an LA service for NEETS which outlines their responsibility to track and support people like this boy, and many others have posted leads too.

You seem to have read different posts if you think this kid isn't at risk. He's been neglected for 6 years, is racist in public, hooked on violent porn, drugs too she fears. If you're chill to let that slide for another few years until he is homeless and dangerous and utterly fucked, fine. In the meantime, this is a 16-year-old you're giving up on. Personally I think OP can and should tackle this now while, yes, the state does still have a role to play if she finally gets them involved. But she'll probably listen to you telling her it's all pointless because that's easier.

Agree. There will be something local. Libraries can be a good source of knowing what is available locally.

How is his basic literacy/numeracy? It may be rhat these need work before any talk of qualifications etc.

So from 11/12 to 16 he has not been in school or home educated?
That's a very long time.
I agree, I think you have failed him, but so has his father.
I don't know how to move forward, that's a long, am I right in thinking he doesn't have any qualifications. How's his reading, comprehension, critical thinking, maths skills?
Sorry, I don't have any advice. Someone more qualified may be able to help.

Why are you making this about you??

This is about an almost 17 year old who you have taken out of school and given very few boundaries to and who is now off the rails.

You NEED to call social services and ask them to help as a duty of care towards your child. He needs boundaries and structure and something to aim for in life. If you are unable to do that yourself then you can't just expect a child to figure it out on their own. That's what social services are for!

And you absolutely should have called the police when they beat him up. You let him down. But he is still a child and you need to try and help him.

"I have had therapy now, he did when he was younger but he wouldn’t be interested now, the only thing that the gp suggested was a camhs referral but before that a telephone consultation and he wouldn’t talk to them and said he didn’t need therapy."

Things can change, he may feel differently now.

I think some of the comments have been a bit lacking in empathy. I don’t think the quality of my parenting would be that great if I lost a child in an accident. OP there are still things you can do, some have offered some good advice. I would recommend getting social services involved, they will help you. You both need support and, with some of the ideas suggested, it’s likely to get worse before it gets better. Social services can hopefully give you that back up.

He won’t talk to me at all but then he does and takes it all back and refuses to acknowledge it and refuses to talk to a counsellor and he got quite angry with me because id told the gp what he’d said and he just denied it and said i was lying and hes fine
He's still begging you deep inside to finally be the mum he needs. It's not him who needs to talk to a counsellor as much as you to learn how to be a good parent.

Have you looked into attending parenting classes? Most councils offer some free of charge. Have you done any online research? Got books etc... it's YOU who needs to change first so you can then help your son.

Coming here is one step if the reason why you did it is to get ideas, it's really not if you want people to tell you that you haven't really messed up. You have.

A poster has given you a fantastic link to a charity who helps young men. Have you even clicked on it yet?

Do what you have failed to do for all those years so far: take action and do something so that YOU can help your son.

He probably has attachment issues after what he's been through. You could call NSPCC helpline for advice.

He has low self esteem because no one in his life so far has prioritised him, fought his corner or built him up. No one has made the hard decisions that are genuinely in his best interests. He’s just been allowed to sink.

Parenting can be hard. Teens don’t always see the bigger picture, but that’s exactly why they are still considered to be children! And why they need someone to make the right decisions for them.

I’ve found this thread quite upsetting.

I don't think social services should take him away from you. That's not why I suggested it. I think you need some support parenting him. You're in a really difficult situation and I think most people would need some support seeing a way through - let alone people who have been through what you have.

CAMHS CAN support 16/17 year olds, in our area at least. My son was referred to them just before he turned 17 and he got help quite quickly. They said they can continue to support until they turn 18 and possibly beyond depending on the circumstances. Most local authorities also have work and training help for NEETs 16-18 plus and children at risk of becoming NEET, you just need to Google what's available locally. I didn't think my son would engage with CAMHS and he was really reluctant initially, but he built a really good rapport with his practitioner and it actually really worked for him. He's now got a job and things are much better.

What is he doing right now @Lastradaleia ? As you are on this thread? Just in his room, watching goodness knows what with no plans for today, tomorrow, Monday? And so on? Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to work towards. Nothing?

Agree with Thepeopleversuswork**

"OP I do understand why you’re feeling attacked and desperate. You must feel at the end of your tether.
What jumps out to me is the sense of desperation coming through in your posts. You and your son have both been failed horribly."

Please do it give up. Speak to a different GP.

While your son is under 18 there could still be help out there.

So essentially my guess is bang on the money

Nothing planned. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to strive for. No aspirations. No goals. Nothing. At 17 years old.

I think a lot of people have no idea about having a child disengage from life.

My son dropped out of school for three years, years 9, 10 and 11.

We did everything to re -engage him. He spent three years on his room, he is now going to college to do GCSEs pretty much from scratch.

OP your son needs to know there is a way out of this. Can you start to engage over anything at all?

What about you OP? What are your plans for the weekend?

Do you work during the week? Do you have an income so you could do something with DS?

Nowforthe2nd

And you are right, so what would you do to re-engage someone who has basically opted out?

It is very similar to phenomimum in Japan about 20 years ago of shut ins.

Tbh I have no advice. So so outside my pay grade for it to have reached this point with my teen son that I’m no use whatsoever. It’s a tragedy

OP I feel the term 'shut in' does help me to know what happened with my son (potentially exacerbated by Covid, which struck when he was on Year 5, i think).

"In Japan, shut-ins are known as Hikikomori (meaning "pulling inward"), a term coined in 1998 by Japanese psychologist Tamaki Saito. About 20 years ago (in the mid-2000s), the phenomenon transitioned from a newly recognized psychological quirk into a major societal concern.

Definition: Severe social withdrawal where individuals isolate themselves at home (often inside a single bedroom) for six months or longer, avoiding school, work, and direct social interaction.

I do not it know if it helps to think of it in that way for you @Lastradaleia

But it did help me know it is much more common than most people know.

Honestly social services are your best option. They have support workers who can help with some of the issues you both have. Some areas also do family mediation or similar that can allow you both to share your feelings in a safe setting with trained support.

As another thought - do you have stand alone mental health issues or could ND be involved too? I'm hearing a lot of black and white views in your posts. It also sounds like your son has had a lot of seperate issues with different social geoups. Is it possible one or both of you are ND?