Poking holes in condoms!

For me it’s not the same because of the health implications of pregnancy, which do not apply to a man, obviously.

Emergency contraception wouldn’t apply if she didn’t realise the condom was tampered with.

But as I said, I still think it’s an indefensible thing for a woman to do.

Seems like the only time you can get men to wear a condom is when you are married to them.

Under UK law it is sexual assault (because he consented to sex with protection and sabotaging the condoms negates his consent) and also reproductive coercion. She’s committed a criminal offence and her Dh is a victim. I could no longer stomach her company any more than I would that of a man that I knew beat or forced his wife to have sex against her will.

As the product of ‘stealthing’ (mum used to flush her pill and pretend she had taken it in order to intentionally fall pregnant and trap my father into marriage), I can testify to the huge lifelong impact. My bio dad walked away and I was raised along until my mother later married and I was effectively adopted by a stepfather for a time. It’s a hideous crime that people seem willing to laugh off. My bio father (I met him twice in my 30s) never really recovered or entered a serious relationship with another woman again because he couldn’t trust them. He had never wanted children due to childhood trauma - sh removed that choice from him.

" Now call me naive but one, I thought that a tiny pin hole would not be able to get somebody pregnant"

Yes, I will call you Naiive.

But you're right, isn't it called stealthing? Surely illegal.

My DH exists because of a condom fail with no obvious split! Luckily his parents choose to interpret this as him being a miracle from god vs an accident

Look I’ve gotten pregnant when using a condom without poking any holes. Unfortunately they’re not 100% guarantee. What she did is very very wrong and in some countries that’s a crime.
however, her husband also has a responsibility- if he is this sure he doesn’t want any more kids he should be scheduling a vasectomy and go to all follow up appointments. It’s way cheaper than another kid and a bigger house.

Exactly, such an easy option for men that they can do it without their wives knowing.

It's not beyond the bounds of possibility that this man is not 100% sure that this marriage will go the distance. Is it so wrong to hold on to the option of having a child with another woman, should this marriage fail?

Yes, it’s terribly wrong to preserve his options whilst running someone else’s down. If he wants his partner to lose the chance of future children then the should absolutely lose the chance himself too

@AnonyMumAuDHDdoes the same apply if the woman says she is on the pill but isn’t (I believe it should still apply as that’s abhorrent!)

I’m sorry this happened to you, and for causing offence, though I’m not clear why you’ve taken offence at my voice of words. In my mind, it’s perfectly reasonable to feel “bitter” after you’ve been treated like crap - it’s not a moral failing.

By “bitter”, I mean the following as per the dictionary: “a deep, lingering feeling of anger, resentment, hostility, or grievance resulting from perceived unfairness, betrayal, or unmet expectations.” which seems similar the feelings you’d associate with having “had her heart broken and her hope stolen drop by drop”.

A. It’s reversible B. if that fails he still can get sperm out if reversal is unsuccessful. If he doesn’t see the marriage lasting he’ll only get himself more and deeper trapped with more kids. Also 4 kids is plenty if he provides for and parents them properly; doesn’t sound like he’s a very very high earner to have kids left and right and finance them adequately.

This is MN, so for some posters, it’s the boyfriend’s fault in each case.

Did your husband's mum deliberately poke holes in the condom without your dad's permission though? When they had not talked about having a child?

Thought not.

Imagine if he had done this to her

It is illegal, and it can be classed as rape.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-stealthing/

.

A lot of double standards in these replies. ' it's different because the woman gets pregnant' is just self-serving cope, both parents are responsible for the child.

If a man pierces a condom it's non consensual sex, bluntly rape. It's exactly the same if a woman pierces the condom. The ops friend is a rapist.

I agree @FairCat

It can't be classified as rape in the UK if the woman was the "stealther".

It'd probably fall under "causing a person to engage in sexual activity without consent".

Vile behaviour from your friend. The fact her DH uses condoms says he does not want more kids. Poking holes in them renders them useless. She has been having sex with him based on deceit.

It can't be classified as rape in the UK if the woman was the "stealther".

Except it is though....

"Under UK law it is sexual assault (because he consented to sex with protection and sabotaging the condoms negates his consent) and also reproductive coercion. She’s committed a criminal offence and her Dh is a victim."

This. Plenty of posters here would be screaming rape if a woman consented to sex with protection and this was not honoured. Men have been convicted of rape for this, and we all know rape has a very low conviction rate.

A woman does it and "it's meh don't blame her" the man has some responsibility" etc." it's not the same" etc

Just Appalling double standards.

Most replies on this thread are saying the woman is in the wrong.

It is not rape. Women can not rape because they do not have a penis.

Fine, serious sexual assault then. It's the moral equivalent of rape by stealthing and should be the legal one.