Page 4 | DS has been uninvited from a sleepover and I don’t know what to tell him

TryingNotToMakeItWorse · 2026-10-18T14:19:22+00:00

DS is in year 6, 10 but turns 11 next month. One of his closest friends is having a sleepover next weekend for her birthday and invited him along with 5 other girls. He’s the only boy. He’s always got on better with girls really. He’s got a couple of boy mates but theyre more school friends if that makes sense, whereas the girls are who he actually wants to spend time with outside school. He’s been friends with this particular girl since year 3 and they’ve been to each others houses loads of times, so it’s not like they’ve only just started hanging about together. Anyway he was invited last week. They were going to have pizza, watch films and all sleep in the living room. Yesterday the mum messaged me saying she’d had a conversation with one of the other mums who wasnt comfortable with her DD staying overnight if a boy was there. Apparently she’d not really thought about it before but had decided she was going to make it girls only after all. So DS is no longer invited. I do understand that its her house and she can have whatever rules she wants but I feel really uncomfortable about the way its happened. He was invited and now he’s been dropped because another parent has an issue with it. The birthday girl apparently still wants him there and they’ve not fallen out or anything. I havent told him yet because I honestly dont know how to explain it without him thinking she’s changed her mind about being his friend. He doesnt get invited to that many sleepovers and he was genuinely excited about this one. Part of me thinks I should just say the plans have changed and leave it at that, but then he’s going to find out at school when the other girls talk about it. Would you tell him the actual reason or keep it vague? And would you say anything to the mum or just leave it now?

Easytorecall · Today 16:05

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Thisismetooaswell · Today 16:05

VoltaireMittyDream · Today 16:00

Lots of girls are in puberty by 10 or 11 and feel self conscious about their bodies. Lots of girls at this age have had the experience of being made fun of by boys for developing breasts. Does their comfort not matter?

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You're projecting quite a bit there. What if this 10 year old wouldn't dream of making fun of the girls (seems likely or why would the birthday girl be friends with him) Some girls have started their period by 10, but most haven't. I just think it is very unfair to invite a child and then tell him he can't come after all when her has done absolutely nothing wrong and the mother hosting the event was obviously ok with it. I think they all go and get into their pjs in another room and then just get on with it.

StepAwayFromGoogling · Today 16:06

Easytorecall · Today 16:02

A girl of 11 may have just started her period and maybe due her second period that sleepover. Self conscious and not close to this boy. Come on. Really?

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But so what? Presumably she'll wear a pad and knickers under her PJs? I'm presuming they won't be changing in front of each other anyway? How is it any different to it happening at school?

saraclara · Today 16:06

Had I been the party girl's mother, I'd have told the other mother that, while I understood her concern, your son had already been invited and that it would be totally unfair to uninvite him. I'd attempt to reassure her that there would be close supervision etc, but I absolutely would not uninvite a child for any reason. Not would I put the mother of the uninvited child in such an awkward position.

rememberingthem · Today 16:06

Alittlefrustrated · Today 15:34

He's too old for that now sadly. There's no need for drama.Just explain it's an adult decision because they are all growing up now.
Can you arrange a nice evening at yours, or a trip out for him and the birthday girl?
Might DFs mum let him go and just come home late? It doesn't have to be all or nothing surely?
The other mother is right to address this imo.

Sorry wrong comment

Easytorecall · Today 16:08

StepAwayFromGoogling · Today 16:06

But so what? Presumably she'll wear a pad and knickers under her PJs? I'm presuming they won't be changing in front of each other anyway? How is it any different to it happening at school?

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Do they sleep in the same room together at school? Get changed in the same changing room together?

the school gets it. You don’t. Shame

And when it comes to the residential - the school won’t have him with the girls

You are pretty much on your own here @StepAwayFromGoogling
Thankfully

throughtheseasons · Today 16:08

StepAwayFromGoogling · Today 16:06

But so what? Presumably she'll wear a pad and knickers under her PJs? I'm presuming they won't be changing in front of each other anyway? How is it any different to it happening at school?

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It isn’t just about periods. It’s just generally about what’s appropriate.

I don't look at my 6 year old son and think he is a potential rapist. But I also do not think it is punishing men or boys or treating them like a rapist, or potential abusers, to not allow them access to girls by sharing beds or bedrooms after a certain age. That is really all it is. Talk about periods and so on is just journaled for privacy.

TeenToTwenties · Today 16:08

StepAwayFromGoogling · Today 16:06

But so what? Presumably she'll wear a pad and knickers under her PJs? I'm presuming they won't be changing in front of each other anyway? How is it any different to it happening at school?

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At school they would have separate changing areas by now for PE, and definitely no mixed sex dorms on trips.

So you are right, no different from school, no mixed sex sleepovers.

pinkyredrose · Today 16:09

If the girl's mum isn't comfortable she should pull her daughter out not expect you to pull your son out.

Easytorecall · Today 16:09

saraclara · Today 16:06

Had I been the party girl's mother, I'd have told the other mother that, while I understood her concern, your son had already been invited and that it would be totally unfair to uninvite him. I'd attempt to reassure her that there would be close supervision etc, but I absolutely would not uninvite a child for any reason. Not would I put the mother of the uninvited child in such an awkward position.

Even if your daughter was saying “please mum I would prefer her to come rather than him. Please!!!!”

rememberingthem · Today 16:09

Thisismetooaswell · Today 15:58

I agree with you. I think if the other girl's mother had an issue it should be her daughter who misses out, not the OP's son. It's very mean to uninvite someone. He's 10 fgs, still a child. I would be very upset if it was my son

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I totally agree!

Bouncywaves · Today 16:09

There are some naive people on this thread. It's not that these children don't know that boys and girls are different but rather that they do. Now some people may be "cool" about youthful sexual experimenting but I am not one of them. I know of a 12 year old girl and it was many decades ago and she became pregnant with a teenage boyfriend little older than her. Abortions were very difficult to get in our country at the time but luckily her parents had money and she was flown overseas for a termination. Her family were very upper middle class and had no idea that their 12 year old daughter was sexually active.

Completeme · Today 16:10

I absolutely would not have my daughter at a mixed sleepover.

She has sleepovers with her best boy buddy - they’ve known each other since birth. But school friends? No way.

allthingsinmoderation · Today 16:11

id tell him some parents arent comfortable with mixed sex sleepovers so his friends mum has decided the sleepover party is just for girls. Its nothing personal to him.
Could he just attend the movie and pizza but not sleepover?

StepAwayFromGoogling · Today 16:11

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I'm being neither difficult or dogmatic. Choose better adjectives. I can't believe that you all genuinely feel it is OK for a 10 year old boy to be UNINVITED because someone else is uncomfortable. If the other girl is uncomfortable about a boy being there SHE leaves after the film and pizza. You don't disinvite a 10 year old boy. He's done nothing wrong. Jesus.

Lacksie · Today 16:12

Sizzlingsnowdrop · Today 15:58

There’s crashing nativity here - not wanting to share a room with a boy (or girl if it was reversed) isn’t about sexualising children, it’s about protecting the dignity and privacy of the females and not endangering the boy by leaving them open to accusations or feeling uncomfortable.

Most girls have already hit puberty at 10. Boobs and periods are enough to deal with without throwing a boy sleeping with them into the mix. Look at it this way; the housing act
prohibits siblings sharing a room at 10. Changing rooms and toilets tend to recommend boys over 7 using their own gender facilities. It would have to be an emergency situation for my son to share a room with a female. Not a chance. I don’t have girls, but if I did, I think I’d be questioning the overall judgement of any parent who thinks this is ok.

Of course it’s sexualising children. If the children weren’t being viewed in terms of their sex and the perceived sexual implications of sharing a room, why would their sleeping in the same room automatically be considered inappropriate? Privacy and dignity are perfectly legitimate considerations, but they don’t explain why sharing a bedroom with a child of the opposite sex is inherently more problematic than sharing with a child of the same sex

Sizzlingsnowdrop · Today 16:12

StepAwayFromGoogling · Today 16:02

So? The OPs 10 year old won't be able to help himself staring at breasts through pyjamas? Or asking about periods? Seriously?

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You sound like the Mums of boys who were brought into the changing room at the health club I used to go to. Communal changing only and I’d have to stand there with some 8 or 9 year old staring at me. To be fair, my parent said the same happened in the mens so they’d go home without showering sometimes as they were afraid of being accused of exposing themselves.

Kids look at what is different. doesn’t mean they will be a pervert when older. Doesn’t mean a mixed sex sleepover is ok. So many examples of this not happening - scouts, school trips, changing for PE at school, advise on use of changing rooms (not that David Lloyd bothered to uphold this), council
house bedroom allocation 10 plus…

I think parents who think their child is
different are naive and dangerous. Some kibbutz tried this in misguided attempts to create equality but it’s not equality it’s endangering children and it’s primarily girls who are most vulnerable -and I say this as a boy only mum.

ISpyNoPlumPie · Today 16:13

TryingNotToMakeItWorse · Today 16:05

Some of these girls are his closest friends tbh. He doesnt see or do anything with boys outside school. He gets on with them fine in school but he just gets on better with girls and they’re the ones he wants to spend time with outside of it.

He’s a young 10 maturity wise, even though he’s one of the oldest in his year, if that makes sense. I dont think he’ll really understand the difference between being allowed at some sleepovers but not others in the way an adult would. He’ll just see it as he’s been invited, got excited about it and now he’s not allowed to go anymore.

And yes I think he’d be sad if he went for the pizza and films but had to come home early. He’d be having fun with all his friends and then have to leave in the middle of it whilst the girls were all still there having their fun. I can see him feeling worse watching them all carry on without him tbh.

@Easytorecall just to clarify she said ‘Ava’s’ mum wasnt comfortable with it, not Ava herself. I dont think Ava has actually said she doesnt want him there.

You’re just going round in circles. He can’t go and it’s totally appropriate that he can’t go and he needs to learn that now. I’m really not sure what the issue is with that. The process of him being uninvited is sad but the reason is fine. I’m blown away you’re so blasé about it.

StepAwayFromGoogling · Today 16:13

throughtheseasons · Today 16:08

It isn’t just about periods. It’s just generally about what’s appropriate.

I don't look at my 6 year old son and think he is a potential rapist. But I also do not think it is punishing men or boys or treating them like a rapist, or potential abusers, to not allow them access to girls by sharing beds or bedrooms after a certain age. That is really all it is. Talk about periods and so on is just journaled for privacy.

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At 10?!?!

PinkHibiscusFlowers · Today 16:14

If Ava’s mum is the only one that’s “uncomfortable” then surely she should be the one telling Ava she can’t go?
This is shit on your son to miss out because of that Mum

OldPyjamas · Today 16:15

I don’t have girls, but if I did, I think I’d be questioning the overall judgement of any parent who thinks this is ok

I agree. I have 2 girls and it wouldn't be ok with me.

MintTwirl · Today 16:15

Year 6 is definitely the right age imo for mixed sex sleepovers to stop,
If I were the mum I would have had him come for the pizzas/film and either drop him home late or you collect late OR I would say let’s take them out for pizza/cinema another day.

StepAwayFromGoogling · Today 16:16

ISpyNoPlumPie · Today 16:13

You’re just going round in circles. He can’t go and it’s totally appropriate that he can’t go and he needs to learn that now. I’m really not sure what the issue is with that. The process of him being uninvited is sad but the reason is fine. I’m blown away you’re so blasé about it.

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It's not 'sad', it's assuming a 10 year old boy is likely to be an abuser of 10 year old girls. The underlying assumptions here are horrible.

Completeme · Today 16:16

TryingNotToMakeItWorse · Today 16:05

Some of these girls are his closest friends tbh. He doesnt see or do anything with boys outside school. He gets on with them fine in school but he just gets on better with girls and they’re the ones he wants to spend time with outside of it.

He’s a young 10 maturity wise, even though he’s one of the oldest in his year, if that makes sense. I dont think he’ll really understand the difference between being allowed at some sleepovers but not others in the way an adult would. He’ll just see it as he’s been invited, got excited about it and now he’s not allowed to go anymore.

And yes I think he’d be sad if he went for the pizza and films but had to come home early. He’d be having fun with all his friends and then have to leave in the middle of it whilst the girls were all still there having their fun. I can see him feeling worse watching them all carry on without him tbh.

@Easytorecall just to clarify she said ‘Ava’s’ mum wasnt comfortable with it, not Ava herself. I dont think Ava has actually said she doesnt want him there.

Oh give over. He doesn’t understand that boys and girls are different and what is and isn’t appropriate? If this is truly the case please speak to him about consent and boundaries asap ffs

MyDpsanarse · Today 16:16

Social housing won't allow two DC of opposite sexes to share a bedroom once over 10, the NSPCC advocate 10 as the highest age mixed sex DC should share a room, in both cases referring to siblings. As the Op's DS is nearly eleven it's not outrageous for a DM to think sleepovers will be all girls by this point.