DS has been uninvited from a sleepover and I don’t know what to tell him

The actual reason is probably easier to explain than making something up.

Be very clear when you tell him. You and many other parents think it's fine for 10 year old girls and boys to have a big sleepover together. However some parents think that 10 is too old, and his friend's mum has started to feel embarrassed and decided that she has to make this sleepover girls only.
Add that this kind of thing will probably happen more and more as they all get older. He has done nothing wrong and his friends are still his friends, but he can't go to this particular sleepover. However, he can invite some of his friends for a sleepover next weekend (or whenever) to make up for it. You are very sorry this has happened and sympathise with him being disappointed, but he mustn't take it to heart or think he has done anything bad.

I actually think the other mums are really out of order - both of them. People obviously have different opinions about the mixed sex sleepover at this age. You're fine with it, and host mum was fine with it. Mum of other girl wasn't fine with it. Mum of other girl should have withdrawn her own daughter rather than try to insist another child was uninvited. Host mum should have stuck to the plan given she was clearly comfortable inviting your son.

It is just about managing situations so that dignity and privacy are a given, @Lacksie

After all, in other contexts the assumption isn’t that we’re ashamed of our bodies which is why I did find that a bizarre comment. We’re given gowns to cover up in hospitals, we have single sex toilets and so on.

I don’t look at either of my children and think that either my daughter needs to be ashamed of who she is or that my son is some sort of reprobate who girls need protecting from, but I do think a bit of common sense goes a long way!

Because the other parent created this situation and should be the person to own it. I’m not saying the Op shouldn’t be present but the other parent has created the situation and simply washed her hands of it. I don’t think that right.

How would that help him?
Mum breaking the news means he can feel how he feels without an audience.

You don't know that at all.

Just out of curiosity - why are you being asked to tell your child? Why isn’t the girl having the sleepover telling them or the other parent? I am not sure why you have been put in the middle of this. The other parent is the person responsible for this situation and should be the person to tell your son with your present.

Not little girls. Girls going through puberty.

But you know that, you are just trying to breakdown safeguarding and the rights of people to safety, privacy and dignity. Again

This idea that we need (as adults) to preserve the privacy and dignity out of little girls- specifically privacy from boys , even if they don't feel embarrassed or private themselves , the boys are their close friends, and/ or there's nothing sexual going on at all. It honestly feels like narratives in cultural contexts where little girls are encouraged to cover their bodies in public to protect their privacy/ dignity/ honour/ virginity. It's really gross, in the messages it sends about gender, sex and sexuality, especially when you are applying this to 10 year old children.

How the actual hell did you extrapolate THAT? 😂

So we need to teach all our little girls that they should feel ashamed about their bodies even if they don't, and they need protecting from the prying eyes of boys because that's the natural order of things. Right -o.

It doesn’t matter if he’s respectful and mindful of their privacy and if they are not bothered in the slightest.

It matters because we are the adults and we make decisions in all of their interests. It’s not doing anybody any favours to pretend that sleepovers with mixed sex children are just innocent fun.

Allowing children the opportunity to do the right or wrong thing in such a serious area one is doing neither the boy or the girls any real favours.

Life with children can be involve innocent fun. Have parties and play, fun and games, jokes and japes. Just not naked, or inappropriateness, or inappropriately dressed, not sexualised and ideally (in my book) not in the same bed or same room on a regular basis after a certain age. Teaching children privacy doesn't mean they lose their innocence, if anything it may mean they can retain it longer, IMHO.

Can’t he go for pizza and then come home? Or sleep upstairs? He’s 10 not 16.

Fully agree with @Redflagsabounded

I think we can all understand that as the dc get older, having sleepovers with the opposite sex will cause issues if not for OP, with other parents. Kids 10 going on 11 are going through puberty, but thats no reason for you to make things up to be spiteful. Nothing in the OP says the other girl is 'best friends' with the birthday girl, inferring OPs DS is not and therefore less relevant. Shame on you.

So now he's "a little boy"?

You need to make your mind up.

Also we have no reason to think that the other parent's daughter was uncomfortable/scared. Just that the mother didn't like the idea. We're told that the girls were all really excited about the sleepover.

To think that this won’t happen is naive at best. As a cub leader, I’ve had parents of boys approach me to make sure that their sons will not be sharing with girls. One parent explained that their son was going through puberty and was absolutely obsessed with girls bodies.

Unless all parents are happy with the situation then there shouldn’t be any mixed sleepovers from about 8 or 9 upwards

The thing is he likely won't be having anymore mixed sex sleepovers as the girls will be hitting puberty assuming that they haven't already and he will be all too soon aswell and its just not appropriate anymore and you need to explain that to him along the lines of separate changing facilities and sleeping arrangements for school trips, holiday camps or scouts etc.

Its sad for him that he was invited then uninvited. Its not been handled well.

But things are changing and they are growing up. You say he knows the difference between boys and girls, but then that he can't be expected to understand why its not appropriate for him to be there. He must surely know this wasnt going to continue until they were all grown up? Mixed sleep over come to an end sooner or later (usually much sooner than this).

They can still all be friends.

The best thing for him that you can do now is to support the girl's mum's decision. Explain why girls might want privacy - and they should be given it as a matter of course, not only if one of them is brave enough to ask for it. Explain that its not about him, he done nothing wrong.

Your reaction to all this can help normalise this for him and help him grow into a respectful man.

Not one who feels entitled to put his wants above women's wishes.

But he is growing up now and surely you can see why it’s not really appropriate for him to be sharing sleeping arrangements with girls? Some of them will have started getting periods and breasts. You son I am also assuming has started developing and having hormonal boy reactions to things. My so is the same age and I would not let him sleep over with girls now

Just tell him the truth. One of the attendees will, at some point I imagine.

I would have a conversation with him about puberty about how bodies change and that girls bodies change years earlier with periods etc and so girls need more privacy at this age due to this. So there won't be mixed sex sleepovers now.

Can yon ask the mum if he can stay until 10ish? Then Would be easy to explain that one of the mums thought best if only girls staying over.

Its not about him 🙄

Its about what the other girls feel comfortable with. All the other guests aren't besties with him.