Feeling guilty over Christmas plans

We were in that situation once the children came along. It was that year we started hosting both sides of the family at ours. It worked very well. Sometimes we cooked at home, other years we booked a restaurant and then back to ours for drinks and games.

Open house tea time and people bring something for the buffet?

You have your own family now, start spending it together with your husband and child. Your parents have had their share of family Christmases. Then you can go visit them the day before or the day after. Prioritise your own immediate family unit, there is no need for the guilt.

What are the logistics involved?

personally I would always try to accommodate the people with young children.

is it impossible for grandparents on both sides to visit you on Christmas Day? Both in the morning to watch baby open presents, or one set for lunch and the other for evening?

My sister annd I do every second Christmas with our parents. If they want to see both of us at Christmas they have to accept a Christmas on their own.

We alternate and it works well. I expect my dc will do the same as they grow older and I imagine dh and I will go out for a Christmas meal in a hotel or book a weekend away in a cabin in the woods with the dog or similar when we are on our own. For our family it’s a Christmas period and not about one single day.

How close do you live to yours and DP's family and how big are both families? Some years we have had everyone to ours for Christmas, so 20+ people, but it is a lot of work!

This year I think MIL is spending the day with her sister and we will have Christmas with my family then go stay with her for a few days from the 27th. Basically we mix it up each year, some years have a big group and other years keep it small, but try to see both sides as equally as possible over the festive period as a whole.

Have your own Xmas in your own home. Your kid or kids open presents and get to play with their new things. You and they don't have to deal with the stress of travelling at one of the busiest times of the year. You make your own traditions.

Your kids will only be around yours at Xmas for a few years that pass by quickly. Your parents know that. Did you never spend Xmas at your home, but always with grandparents?

We had a very small house at the time but made it work. You probably could manage it if you really thought about how it could it work.

Do you live close enough to do both?
We have my parents and sometimes my brothers and their partners for brunch on Christmas morning. Then in the afternoon we go to my PILs for a late afternoon Christmas lunch (my BIL and his wife/kids come every other year because SIL’s dad lives further away)

What did your parents do when you were young? Did they spend it with both sets of parentd every year? I don't think it is fair for your mum to let you know that she feels sad I.e. pile the guilt on you.

Both our families live in different parts of the UK 2-3 hours away from us. Once DC came along we tried to be really flexible with visiting everyone to keep everyone happy but the reality was we'd finish Christmas feeling more burnt out than before and I didn't like the DC not being at home on Christmas day. We now have a tradition where we spend Christmas Day at home, just the four of us. Then on boxing day we go to my parents for one night and end of December before NY we do the same for in-laws. It's still tiring, but having the boundary of Christmas day just us at ours has been a game changer personally. We can have the day that delivers whatever our kids need and can go with their timings and then they still get to see family later on x

I think it’s the time to set a new tradition . New baby = Christmas Day at home as a nuclear family . GP’s can come Christmas Eve or Boxing Day .

Was that your mum’s parents you spent ever Christmas with by any chance?!

Your mum is being very manipulative here by getting so upset! You need your own traditions now you have children. Alternative Christmas Day is fine. Can you see your mum on another day over the holiday?

That’s not your fault though. As much as I agree at parents are not happy and share them with their children, making you feel guilty because she couldn’t see you because you very obviously need to keep things fair, feels very manipulative to me.

I don’t understand why your parents would be alone on the day when you’ve said you have a brother with DC that you could alternate with?

Host a relaxed drop-in Christmas breakfast instead, bacon rolls, pastries, coffee.

That's a guilt trip and it's manipulative. You're not responsible for her feelings. You can't placate her by living your life and your husband and kid's to please her. Invite her to yours, but make it clear you are in your home for Xmas, if that's what you and your husband and kids want as they get older.

Why don’t you ask them what they’d prefer? Say to them that now you have a child you need to spend Christmas with your DH and child, and also need to see DHs family sometimes for Christmas. Would they prefer to see you all together with your brother or alternate with your brother?