AIBU to struggle with having to hide my genuine opinions about colleagues at work?

How have you been pretending so far ? Keep doing that.

You missed the key part, in a professional environment you are being paid to do a job, your personal feelings on your colleagues are irrelevant. You don’t pick who they are, they also are there to do a job.

so you need to be courteous and do your job. If someone says something that bothers you, ie about your desk, politely ask them to refrain from commenting, or tidy it if they have a point. If she wishes to discuss stuff you’re not interested in, politely excuse yourself, sorry I’m busy and can’t talk right now.

but your authentic self is not letting your colleagues know you dislike them. It is not school they are not your Mates.

This, basically. Assuming you haven’t been called up for a disciplinary yet then it’s working. Is it exhausting? Yes. Particularly for those of us who aren’t neurotypical. But the alternative is not being able to function in the workplace.

If you ever encounter say a rude shop assistant , do you drag them out from behind the till and beat them repeatedly round the head with a tin of corned beef or do you just imagine doing it ? If the bus driver is unpleasant do you remove the claw clip from your hair and ram it into their eye socket or do you roll your eyes suck your teeth and sit down . It’s much the same principle , and it’s a universal struggle .

Depends what you mean by ‘get lost’. You can politely let someone know you’re busy, brush off their intrusion or comment.

If you mean actually saying ‘get lost!’ That’s you directing a rude outburst at her, so would affect her, yes. It’s an act of verbal aggression. She’d be upset and think you were rude, horrible and not someone she wanted to work with.

She would care even less about your opinion, on anything, as a consequence.

Right. This is about your emotional regulation, you becoming very emotional, very easily, in response to very little.

It’s nothing to do with opinions.

So, look for solutions to emotional dysregulation and anxiety. Breathing exercises, yoga, meditation, exercise. Adopt habits and techniques that help you feel calm and give you a sense of detachment, afford you a moment in which to gather yourself before responding.

1. How do you work alongside people you genuinely dislike without feeling you're constantly pretending? I see what they bring to the job that I can't. So I see value even though I don't want to spend my breaks with them. Respect I suppose.
2. Is it acceptable to be polite but emotionally distant, rather than friendly?Yes! In Danish we say personable rather than private, so nice enough without sharing everything and becoming besties.
3. How do you set boundaries with colleagues who irritate you without creating conflict? Confrontation doesn't need to be drama. Eg Christian, that might have been true a couple of years ago, but it isn't the case now, and I'd like you to stop those comments. No blame, just a request, no tone.
4. How do other autistic people cope with the expectation to filter their genuine opinions at work? I use chatgpt to filter to business language. Also the thing that is great about our team is that we all value our differences, so differing opinions are actually welcomed if phrased respectfully.
5. How do you distinguish between being authentic and being unnecessarily blunt? I really try to keep my voice level. State objective facts. And use chatgpt.

You have to accept those feelings are there but you can't act on them at work or you'd risk a disciplinary. Plenty of people in the workplace don't necessarily have positive feelings about their colleagues in the workplace, but nobody wants to loose their job, so they ignore their feelings and get on with their job and are polite to people as is expected.

For your first question, perhaps a mindset shift would help: Treating an annoying person civilly and being polite isn’t pretending. It’s just being a decent person.

Imagine if someone started being snippy with you and when asked why they were being unkind they said “well i don’t like her so why should I be nice”. Youd think that was unfair, right? We all come across people who get on our nerves but generally we still treat them well. Not because we’re pretending, but because it would be awfully entitled to think our feelings are a justification to act rudely to a person and ruin their day (or worse, affect their self esteem).

So please go ahead and put in boundaries- she sounds like a PITA. But don’t think of it as pretending or being inauthentic when you make polite conversation because it’s just you taking steps to ensure your presence doesn’t upset someone, which Im sure authentically reflects your values.

"sorry I need to get on with work" is quite a good way to stop annoying conversations.

Find the other autistic people at work so you can have a moan about the people/things that annoy you together. Very few autistic people can be their authentic self at work, unfortunately. But it's a nice thing to bond over.

Yes. Good manners are armour. They protect you and keep your inner workings invisible. Annoying people bounce of them painlessly, smiling.

Spot on!

Nobody at work wants to see or gives a shit about your authentic self.
They want you to come in, do your job, and leave.

My adult sons are both autistic, as am I, and I understand how hard it can be but I promise you that you are unimportant in other people's stories. You are only central in your own.

In a work environment you are there to get your job done.

This is best achieved by having a good working relationship with your colleagues.

You do this by performing the appropriate social dances.

Keep your authentic self to your personal life, where it is wanted, needed and relevant.

I think this is well-meaning advice, but neurodiverse people need to be very careful with meditation. It is very triggering for many of us. Not saying it’s a total no-no, but it can be very distressing.

I just nod and smile, say something non-committal, get my work done and go home!

Having said that, there aren’t many people I genuinely dislike. I’ve worked with people who’ve been annoying from time to time. But I think you just have to let it go.

Fair point.

I do think exercise helps most people feel better and calmer most of the time (except perhaps when they’re doing it), is that reasonable?

At the most basic level, deep breath and count to ten is what we were all taught as children, wasn’t it.

But I do think it’s really important to re-frame this issue. It isn’t about opinions and when to share them. They’re just not relevant. It is about the emotional ‘hit’ OP is experiencing and how to avoid, reduce, pre-empt and control that feeling and the reaction to it.

I line manage 8 people directly, and have a much bigger team underneath them and my life would be a lot bloody easier if people didn't bring their whole selves to work. I don't like everyone either (including some of them!) but I have to get on with it because that's what having a job- that's what being human- is. If you multiply all the things you want to say to colleagues, and all the things colleagues want to say to each other, and actually say them, some poor person is going to end up having to deal with the fallout of all of those interactions (who you'll then probably be pissed off with for not being sufficiently empathetic).

I had this argument with an ND family member who thought it was unfair they had to mask at work and didn't believe me when I said we didn't all glide through the day completely frictionless; we can just choose to not make a thing of it. I'm not unsympathetic; my kids are ND, and I understand masking but from a management perspective it's fucking exhausting and I feel like a primary school teacher half the time.

I do think it's also important to choose the kind of work that works for you- maybe that's not an office?

Nod, smile, mumble “im quite busy “ or “sorry im concentrating “ depending . Chats about handbags are irrelevant to getting your work done after all

I used to always have music and earphone too

True. I actually don’t think OP is being at all unreasonable to want to be left alone at her desk. In many ways the turn towards open plan workspaces has been a disaster for accessibility. Personally I would be very happy to tell someone to please let me focus on my work while mid-task. I find task switching very hard and I’m happy to explain that. For me it’s always been the more ‘social’ parts of the working day that have been challenging. Hence my advice about getting out at lunch (if possible) and not creating space for unnecessarily draining small talk before/after meetings. I think these are practical things that most people can do to protect their energy. The modern workplace is built with the neurotypical extrovert in mind, sadly. And yes, realising that it’s OK to take a breath rather than offering a riposte immediately is certainly helpful!

I can’t be in an open plan office without headphones.

Or you could engage in some conversation

There have been psychological studies on messy and tidy desks - you could look those up

You can say “oh Kate I wouldn’t know an expensive handbag if it hit me in the bag for life so this is lost on me” - you never know she might be able to explain why expensive handbags are better in some ways than purely superficial

Everyone has more to them then you first think

It might make your working life more enjoyable

I have friends and our interests are two very separate distant Venn diagram circles, and we happily take the piss out of each other, or just go “yeah not my thing” it’s entertaining how opposite we are - but they are fun, kind, supportive.

You can be honest and not blunt, you can be different but not superior

But an actual interest in the other person in spite of differences is essential. And you must have something in common you have ended up working next to each other.

trying to find common ground with someone so insensitive and emotionally illiterate as to try and talk handbags to me isn’t ever going to be a great addition to my life

we can’t be buddies with everyone .just polite . And being polite should mean not boring people to death or annoyance.

Yes. I’m not convinced that having found yourself working next to each other is necessarily a sign of common ground, personally.

In the same way you suppress your replies on Mumsnet.