AIBU to struggle with having to hide my genuine opinions about colleagues at work?

Imagine how awful everything would be if we all just spoke our minds at all times.
Try to think about how you’d feel if people gave their honest opinions about you. If you wouldn’t like it, then don’t do it to them.
My DC already know to not say things to people that they would not like to have said to them.

I think it's good to have interactions with people you wouldn't typically be friends with, otherwise you end up living in a bubble where you hear all similar opinions and only encounter certain personalities. Use it as a learning opportunity.
'what is it that you like about X designer handbags? I've always been curious about why certain brands can get people to spend 10 times more than another brand'
'Do you struggle with mess? I've always been quite messy, I find I work better when things aren't too ordered - it's interesting how people are all so different '

I.e. take out the emotion of whether you like the person/agree with them or not and see it as a learning opportunity to get to understand a different perspective.

If it helps, frame your 'authentic self' in terms of positive behaviours rather than negative thoughts. Hard-working, kind, efficient, intelligent, productive etc. The true parts of you that your employer is paying you to bring to work.

The fact that there are other parts of you that your employer definitely doesn't want at work isn't important - and everyone has these.

But without a laugh track!

Everybody struggles with this. Think about how many programmes include an annoying co-worker as a scene- there’s loads. For example in Friends, there’s an episode where Monica is turned off by her boyfriend Chandler’s work laugh. This is an exaggerated laugh he does when his boss cracks a joke. What I’m saying is that everybody is performing at work and not their authentic selves. Even the self employed will have a superior to answer toll to eg customers so not their true selves.

You were hired because of the cv version of you. Your work rightly doesn’t care about anything deeper than that. Even with family, people aren’t fully their authentic selves unless they want to argue lots. Your romantic partners will be more interested in the real you as knowing the real you is real intimacy.

It is tiresome dealing with annoying co-workers. I wouldn’t have a clue or interest in designer handbags either so I wouldn’t be able to
contribute to that conversation or I’d have a reply like “my money goes on holidays” to end the conversation quickly. Yanbu to be annoyed about the deal comments I would say “Yes, I’m messy” and shrug. My workbench is also messy but I tidy before I go home and the mess isn’t food or anything like that so I don’t care what other people think tbh.

Nobody is being authentic at work. People aren’t fully their there because they need the money and being friendly with your co-workers makes things easier and the time pass quicker.

I don't think a lot of ND are able to see this point of view. It's mostly about them and how they want things done.
Many ND will claim they are being bullied at work if people are honest about them In the same way they would like to behave.

Could have written that myself. Or asked AI to 😉. Employers claim they want people to be their authentic selves but that's not true. But it isn't just you struggling. Everyone is. So you're not alone and that should provide you with comfort. The colleague you described is obviously struggling with you as much as you are with her. It sounds like she's being more authentic than you though. So, just match her energy. The next time she criticises you: tell her to put in an official complaint and leave you alone. Tell her you're not interested in whatever it is she's talking about. Work is the same as any other social setting: it's a popularity contest. You don't have to participate though. Do your job and accept that you'll not be everyone's cup of tea. Consider being self-employed.

Just tell her that that's how you like your desk to look and that it doesn’t bother you at all. Maybe think about looking for a new job but there’s no guarantee that that would be any better.

Exactly this. A lot of ND people have been mollycoddled into remaining rigid in their world views and behaviours, instead of encouraged to be open to new experiences.

How have you not snapped and committed murder?

You can always come on here and let off steam.
I used to have to keep a neutral face at an appalling thick, bigoted colleague. She peaked when she breezily said she took points for her husband speeding so he didn't get a ban. A braver colleague spoke up and pointed out that was against the law, she went very quiet. She also voted for brexit but had never voted before. Awful woman.

My questions are:

1. How do you work alongside people you genuinely dislike without feeling you're constantly pretending?

A lot of people are pretending a lot of the time at work: you're playing a role that's required of you. Maybe frame it as you're an actor playing a part. It's very normal and part of rubbing along with other people in society. Most of us don't get to choose our colleagues.

1. Is it acceptable to be polite but emotionally distant, rather than friendly?

Yes. You're there to do a job. As long as you meet the requirements of the job, no one is going to expect you to go overboard. That said, in some jobs being superficially friendly goes quite a long way in building trust, it's not that difficult to throw people a few pleasantries now and then. At minimum just smile, be polite, respectful and occasionally ask people questions about themselves. Nobody wants you to hang out with them at weekends.

1. How do you set boundaries with colleagues who irritate you without creating conflict?

You ignore them. I have a colleague who has a lot of irritating personal habits: he talks to himself and laughs at unfunny jokes to prompt people to ask what he's laughing at, endlessly discusses his family life at work when no one is interested. I tune him out about 80% of the time and then every now and then ask him a token question about what his nieces and nephews are studying at university to keep him happy.

1. How do other autistic people cope with the expectation to filter their genuine opinions at work?

You just keep your opinions to yourself: it's not that difficult. I don't think autistic people have a monopoly on sometimes having to keep their mouths shut. Multiple times a day I feel like telling people they are talking bollocks and I'm NT. You just have a bit of self-discipline and go without.

1. How do you distinguish between being authentic and being unnecessarily blunt?

See answer above. I don't think anyone needs to be "authentic" at work unless they are with genuine friends. Just keep it to yourself.

AIBU to find this aspect of working life so frustrating? And what practical strategies would you recommend?

I think most people find this aspect of working life frustrating. It's just a case of practice makes perfect.

Perhaps you could also think about the difference between 'not liking someone' and 'disliking' them. Two very different things. The first sounds like your feelings for this colleague from what you say. You don't have much in common and you wouldn't be friends with her outside of work. That describes 95% of us with our colleagues at work. It doesn't make them bad people or difficult to work with, even though it can be irritating at times. You go in, do your job, go home. Same as them.

Disliking someone is a more active emotion. They have done or said things that are nasty or unpleasant towards you (messy desk observation is really not enough for this).

I don't like cucumber. I never buy cucumbers, I wouldn't choose to eat them, but if there happens to be a small amount of cucumber included in a salad I otherwise like, okay, I can swallow the stuff. I'm never going to say 'yum' but it doesn't kill me

I very much dislike prawns. Nary a prawn will ever pass my lips. If I accidentally ate a prawn I'd try to discretely spit it into a napkin or swallow as quickly as I could without chewing it. The taste would ruin whatever I was eating for me. Yuk!!! I'd probably shudder a bit.

Work for all of us is full of cucumbers and very few prawns in a lifetime. Don't escalate something unimportant. It'll just make you miserable.

Out of interest, how would you feel if people were extremely blunt regarding what they disliked about you?

In a world without social niceties, would you be fine with a colleague saying ‘I find you awkward and boring, please go away’? Possibly even multiple colleagues?

OP, on the off-chance you come back to interact, can I just ask how you managed at school?

Or were you home schooled?

Christ how do you tolerate this?

Does he think he's the only person in the world who has ever had to accommodate other people?

Employers claim they want people to be their authentic selves but that's not true.
Really? My employer wants me to do my work and get along professionally with my co-workers. My co-workers are interested in me on a surface level but they don’t care about my authentic self and that’s fine

I think everyone has to filter themselves at work and yes, it's absolutely exhausting.

If it helps you to understand why it's necessary, the ONLY reasons humans have developed so much further than other animals is their ability to co-operate and work as a team. There are some highly intelligent animals who can't get a handle on their emotions in order to co-operate and haven't achieved anything like what they could without this co-operation. It's what makes us unique as a species, not our intelligence.

That helped me to understand the importance of socialising/team work a bit more when I understood that. Basically all intelligence requires a level of co-operation. The most intelligent humans imo learn how to galvanize a group of people to a similar aim to achieve something, which is very very difficult to do as people naturally are self interested and find other people annoying.

If you want to get ahead at work, you need to master the pleasantries and small talk. Your career will stall without it. And I've known people be fired from jobs because they can't fake their emotions and be pleasant to people they hate.

It's unfortunately part of work - unless you go self employed, but even then, getting the work will often rely on social skills - so I'm not sure that even gets around the issue.

@Redflagsabounded

Perhaps you could also think about the difference between 'not liking someone' and 'disliking' them. Two very different things. The first sounds like your feelings for this colleague from what you say. You don't have much in common and you wouldn't be friends with her outside of work. That describes 95% of us with our colleagues at work. It doesn't make them bad people or difficult to work with, even though it can be irritating at times. You go in, do your job, go home. Same as them.
Disliking someone is a more active emotion. They have done or said things that are nasty or unpleasant towards you (messy desk observation is really not enough for this).

This is a really good point.

Workplaces are difficult. You won't have a huge amount in common with most people you work with. You might find they have irritating tics, opinions you disagree with. You might find them occasionally wearing to be around.

That's a very different thing from actively disliking someone and thinking they are a bad person.

I think we would all help ourselves quite a lot by being a bit more tolerant of people in the first category. You are perfectly entitled not to like everyone you work with, you don't have to give up your weekends to hang out with them etc but they have a right to be who they are and to go about their day without being needlessly put down.

Practice responding with "Okay", "That's nice" and "Cool." She isn't interested in your honest opinions and doesn't need them.

If you really desperately need to vent, find some anonymous online community and don't use your work device.

Hello. I use a framework of bullshit that I say to people and a structured set of questions and responses. This significantly reduces the mental load.

For example. One of my huristics is 'compliment' then 2 questions (questions, then reflect back they said, then another question then reflect back).

An example:
'I just picked up this new designer bag'
'Wow look at you. Is that your first foray into designer bags?'
'No I blah, blah blah'
'Oh so you're experienced in blah blah blah. What's the best one you've got'
'My blah blah. It was from blah'.
'So blah is a standout in the bag game. Ah well looks good on you'

The mental load is reduced because although the words are different the structure is the same.

You can't say what you think of people like that in the workplace. You have to keep your lips zipped if you want to keep your job. There is no other solution.
You don't have to like or agree with everyone but you do have to have a friendly attitude and be polite.

I don’t know who all these employers wanting ‘authentic selves’ are. Sounds like a short-lived trend in a self-referential London-creative-industry bubble. Bean bags, table tennis and performative authenticity.

@VoltaireMittyDream and @MxCactus posts are quite the juxtaposition. Thank you.

@VoltaireMittyDreamdoes your DH never have the experience of voicing his opinions out loud and discovering other people not only don’t agree with him but have completely different priorities, frames of reference (often wider and deeper than his) and values? Is he surprised? Or just dismissive? Does he recognise he is not omniscient, other people hold knowledge he doesn’t?

And can he not somehow insulate himself with a shell of don’t give a damn, or comfortable self-satisfaction, to protect himself from all this feeling about other people? His emotions sound off the charts out of control.

The worrying thing for humanity is that so many people who loathe other people currently hold power, and can pay underlings to do the cooperating to enact their misanthropic desires.

OP I now take the stand that colleagues are not friends and that I don't need to share any kind of deep social interaction with them.

I do my job and I collaborate with people when needed. No more, no less. I could not care less if they like me but I expect them to respect me.

In my last organisation I was working with a bunch of passive-aggressive backstabbers who reported me a couple of time for being 'rude' for standing my ground when people who knew sod all about my area of work though they could criticise my work.

The whole organisation was toxic, with the worse staff turnover I had ever seen and I think for the first time in my career there wasn't a single person I liked or respected in that workplace, so I feel your pain.

If you are a woman as well too many people expect you to be 'nice' and 'flexible' in the workplace and now that I am older I have zero tolerance for this as well.

Unfortunately teachers have to tolerate encourage everyone's little darling to be their 'authentic' self at school so its a bit of a shock to get into the workplace (private rather than public) and find out every imaginable concession is no longer at your disposal. Social skills are being gradually eroded in today's society - introspection and consideration are becoming all but lost.