AIBU to struggle with having to hide my genuine opinions about colleagues at work?

I am what I would consider to be my authentic self at work. But part of my authenticity is my belief that I don’t need to express every thought I’m having no matter the situation or the consequences. If I did express every inner thought, I would be a very difficult colleague.

Isn’t part of having autism about learning social norms and how to cope with them? My daughter is autistic and at 17 she has been working on that part for a long time. She struggled with it previously and had a terrible time at school. Now she has worked out how to balance being her own personality and not blurting every inner thought, she is having an absolute blast with a great group of friends. She hasn’t had to change who she is, just learn how to be socially proficient.

This is one of the things I struggled with when I started working and still sometimes think about today. In my normal life, if I dislike someone I just don’t engage with them but in work you have to, and be pleasant etc. you’re not alone in the struggle!

This isn't unique to autism. Pretty much everyone has colleagues they don't like, but in order for the workplace to function properly, colleagues need to often hide their true feelings and be professional. People appear to find that more and more difficult.

It's nothing to do with your "authentic self". You just have to suck it up and be an adult.

Just be professional and kind with it

We all mask to a certain extent at work.
We go to work to make money. We wouldn't (well I certainly wouldn't) be there if we didn't need money.
I have a work mode and personal mode and I don't need those two modes to intertwine.
I think it's easy for me as I am a people manager so when I enter work I have my manager hat on and when I leave it comes off. I manage people I wouldn't like in the outside world but it doesn't matter because it's my job to manage them and ensure their welfare at work is taken care of and that's it.

1. How do you work alongside people you genuinely dislike without feeling you're constantly pretending?

I mostly have colleagues and not work friends - that’s fine. I have accepted I don’t have to like them all but I am polite. I do feel I am pretending but I accept that’s part of working with people. yes it’s hard.

1. Is it acceptable to be polite but emotionally distant, rather than friendly?

absolutely! Polite is required, but I’m not spending time engaging on topics I don’t care about.

1. How do you set boundaries with colleagues who irritate you without creating conflict?

depends what they irritate me about. If it’s work then we have to find a way to work together. If it’s about a messy desk I’d say something like “I wonder why my desk bother you so much? It works for me.” And then I would ignore every other comment or question on it. If they continue to raise it, that’s rude so I get to ignore it.

1. How do other autistic people cope with the expectation to filter their genuine opinions at work?

its hard and its tiring. I accept the pp’s point about lying not being the same as saying nothing but saying nothing / filtering facial expressions and body language etc is hard work! I accept that being around people can be tough and I am not very social in my free time.

1. How do you distinguish between being authentic and being unnecessarily blunt?

and yes, I am ND. It’s hard OP - I feel you.

It's pretty much the same at school.

I'm autistic and about to come to the end of a 45 year career. I'm afraid you are going to have to accept that being diplomatic and polite oils the mechanics of all interpersonal relationships, including those at work. But there will be variations in workplaces - in my last 15 years I've worked in a very nerdy technical team where pretty much everyone is autistic to some degree and we've all jogged along despite the odd argument and outburst. So alongside learning to mask (yes it's exhausting, but do it anyway) very well, I'd suggest finding the right environment for you.

Everyone has to filter their thoughts about colleagues, Neuro diverse or not.

What a brilliant post @FillerTrackOnTheAlbumOfLife

The only utterance in these situations is Hmm, no eye contact, no further interactions, just Hmm, it doesn't take long to shut someone up who isn't managing to get a rise from you, they hate it! Passive aggression is the best sort in these situations.

How would you feel if everyone disliked you for small reasons and constantly made that plain? I would imagine self conscious, anxious, stressed and unable to do your job. It's about consideration for others and helping everyone be the best they can be. It seems arrogant and cruel to think that your minor irritations are worth hurting people for. Just push back on the desk comments so you aren't perceived as a push over. Your colleague should show you respect too.

Stop overthinking, life is too short.

1. You ask her politely why she's so bothered by your desk, as nobody else has ever commented. Try to avoid comments about her being OCD unless you want a bit of confrontation to liven up the day.
2. Listen to her answer. If it's because part of your desk mess is affecting her desk or office performance, then tidy up that bit of desk and ask her what she saw on telly last night. If it's not actively impinging on anyone, end here. If it is, proceed to step 3.
3. Tidy up the rest of your desk while she is telling you about what she saw on telly last night. Hopefully, by the time she moves onto handbags, you'll have finished tidying.

If she won't stop with the comments about your messy desk roll your eyes and say not this again. If she does it again say give it a rest and turn your back away from her. And don't say any more.

I think you can be polite but honest. If you have no interest in the subject of conversation you can try to make a remark to close it down.

If she comments on your desk being messy pretend laugh and say "ah yes, I like working in chaos. We're all different aren't we?"

If she starts another conversation about handbags just say on repeat "handbags arent really my thing; I just shove my phone and keys in my pocket". Or say "nice" if she shows you a new bag and go back to looking at your computer.

I’m not sure I’m my authentic self with anyone tbh. I’m kind of different versions of myself with different people. Aren’t we all to a certain extent?

You need to download Neurotypical Translator v 2.1

Type in your natural response, eg.

“Please stop commenting about MY desk. It is MINE you useless materialistic piece of human nonsense. Your constant irritating comments make me want to chop up your Chanel handbag and send you the bits in the internal post. Fucktard.”

And it will return:

”Please stop commenting about my desk. It does not impact your work and it is none of your business.”

If only that existed 😂 - sympathies, they sound really annoying!

There is loads of guidance on this online. But basically stick to good manners. You don't need to be her friend, so smile and nod and move on to work related issues. And tidy your desk, its poor manners and potential breaching your data protection rules.

www.waldenu.edu/programs/business/resource/five-ways-to-handle-working-with-someone-you-cant-stand

I had a colleague who formed significant friendships with other colleagues then at some point there would be a huge falling out. It happened repeatedly. I sat next to her for nearly 10 years and never fell out with her.

Towards the end of my time at that company someone asked how I had never fallen out with her. My answer: because that was part of my job.

I wasnt at work to make friends, I was there to do a job. Part of that job was not falling out with people. My employer did not need my opinions on anything other than my work.

I don't make friends with co workers and I keep everything very surface level, polite and professional. Learned that years ago. Works for me.

I have worked with people I find irritating. But I'm sure that lots of people probably find me irritating. It's work, you don't choose to be with work colleagues but you have to get on with it. Probably she finds your messy desk as irritating as you find her handbag talk. One of the things you get paid for is being professional and part of that is rubbing along with people you work with. I don't take my authentic self to work, I take my professional self. So I suppose in answer to some of your questions I would say you have to be polite and just recognise that you will have a better relationship with some colleagues than others. That's perfectly fine, just smile and get on with your work.

Exactly. Just crack on. And don’t think you are so special you have to utter your every passing thought. These are people with their own feelings and struggles, just like you. You don’t have to like them. You should treat them with respect.

I think some introspection works well.

Ask yourself, how would you feel if people at work who don’t like you, told you? It works both ways and I’m sure they feel similarly. So if you’d rather them be kind, then offer them the same.

I tend to have very little to do with people who I find irritating at work. Sit next to other people when you eat. Smile blandly when they say stupid things and then carry on with your work. Don’t chitchat to them.

I'm autistic and I agree with every word of this.

In particular the idea of being your authentic self everywhere is such a crock of shit. I know it is pushed in almost every autistic space out there but we cannot just go around being our authentic cells everywhere because everyone you meet is filtering themselves to some extent.

You need to be polite and civil but you don't have to have conversations that you don't want to so you need to find phrases that you use to close down conversations or stop your colleague commenting on you.

But the reality is as an autistic person working in a mainly neurotypical world you will need to do a lot of masking if you want to fit in and get on.