AIBU to struggle with having to hide my genuine opinions about colleagues at work?

No-one is their authentic self at work - it would be impossible to run a business 😂 You can't go around telling colleagues you find them insufferable or that they're morons/narcissists/whatever. Just get on with your job, be pleasant but non-committal about anything you're not interested in, and accept that you're not at work to make friends.

It makes the day go much easier if you can have a chat and find some common ground, but it's not essential. Also, there's always been someone everywhere I've worked who I cannot stand. That's just life.

We all have to navigate this. Detach, put on a friendly professional front. Sometimes you really gel with colleagues, sometimes not. The work needs doing and a pleasant atmosphere maintaining- to enable the work to run smoothly- regardless.

No.2 polite but detached is ok up to point. You do need to connect a little bit too, find small pleasantries, perspectives or experiences you can share to bond with people. Aloofness creates discomfort, people feel watched and judged.

You can also politely and cheerfully say ‘not really my thing’ about handbags, without being rude. Similarly ‘we’re all different!’ or ‘takes all sorts!’ about messiness vs tidiness.

No-one wants your opinion on their lifestyle, just as you don’t want theirs. It’s irrelevant to the situation.

You do need to create some ‘presence’ for yourself, so you can assert boundaries cheerfully. Otherwise people will view you as a blank canvas and probe / overstep as a way of finding out who you are, goading a response. Not nice but true. Very different from inviting your opinion of them.

How do you work alongside people you genuinely dislike without feeling you're constantly pretending?
I do feel like I’m constantly pretending, but I accept that this is the expectation at the workplace, there is an expectation to be professional and to work with colleagues and clients even if they’re not people I would want to socialise with in real life. That said, where I can I do avoid entering too much unnecessary talk with people I dislike and whilst I am polite I also try not to engage in a way that could be too encouraging, I keep any non work related interactions short and clipped.

Is it acceptable to be polite but emotionally distant, rather than friendly?
Yes, I think so, this is what I do with people I find it hard work to be around. I am polite but I don’t engage in unnecessary personal conversations, I never ask them about their weekends or family etc, I keep conversations to work only and if they try to engage in that kind of conversation I don’t give enough back for the conversation to continue on.

How do you set boundaries with colleagues who irritate you without creating conflict?
As above, I just don’t give much back and I find that usually if somebody isn’t getting anything back from me they give up putting effort in on their side and the relationship soon becomes polite, professional talk only.

How do other autistic people cope with the expectation to filter their genuine opinions at work?
I find I can separate my work self from my personal self most of the time, I don’t feel like I need to bring my genuine opinions into work unless they are about work related issues. I don’t hide my real, genuine opinions about work related issues, if I disagree with a strategy or initiative I will state this in the relevant forum even if it goes against the grain. I don’t struggle to filter out my genuine opinions about personal things because I don’t engage in personal talk with people who I dislike or don’t align with at work, I keep it professional. I don’t see a difference between needing to filter myself to colleagues and needing to do it to clients. It is exhausting of course but I accept that is part of work and I assume non autistic people have to do this as well.

How do you distinguish between being authentic and being unnecessarily blunt?
I’m not sure, but I only raise my opinion in work related conversations so I don’t think it matters if I’m overly blunt as the things I criticise are nothing personal, nobody should take it personally if I bluntly outline my opinions regarding a suggested strategy/ initiative etc at work. I don’t engage in conversations about personal matters so I don’t need to give an opinion at all.

I don't believe any of us get to be our 'authentic selves' in workplace settings. We just have to find ways to bite our lips quite a lot of the time. It is definitely exhausting but it's just life.

And yes, everyone has to learn this. NT people may make it look natural but there’s work behind it for most people.

As others had said, I do not believe that this is autism specific, though as someone with ADHD I do sympathise.

Regardless of the fairness of the situation, we live in a society which has specific rules and expectations around how we do and do not behave.

Many years ago I struggled deeply with restraining myself from saying things to people, regardless of how offensive it was. I was generally seen as difficult, offensive, and rather hard work.

Over the years , I have come to realise that my comfort does not trump social expectations. Now , I keep my mouth shut unless I have something polite to say. Whilst this is not necessarily who I am as a person , I also understand the needs to behave in ways which foster good will.

I do not believe that having autism or other mental health or neurodivergence gives people a free pass to speak their mind without consequence. It is really difficult for people that have neurodivergence , and at the same the world will not cater for us.

I also understand that it is not my given right to tell people when I don't like them, and the reasons why. I had to work on my mind and my thoughts around other people opposed to expecting other people to conform to my demands and expectations.

This is how I tackled it...

1. I noticed my unpleasant feelings arise when I saw or heard specific people.
2. I would ask myself what my mind is telling me about the person and whether this is based on reality.
3. I would use the acronym THINK before speaking... will the words coming out of my mouth be truthful, helpful, interesting, necessary, and kind. If not , I tend not to say it now.
4. I remind myself that everyone else is suffering as much as I am in their own ways and try to remember that we have similarities as well as differences.
5. I always try to bring about good will, and compassion towards others , but this requires active reminding myself and going against my urge to tell people off at times!

I hope that this is makes sense, and that it is helpful in some way. From my experience , most people dislike at least one or two people in their workplace , and we all have to make a conscious effort to be polite , courteous and civil , even in the face of these individuals.

Personally, I probably was the person that people didn't like that much! So I have to have compassion for those that irritate me!

One of the worst things employers have done in recent years is pretend they want you to bring your authentic self to work. No one wants to see that and HR departments all over the country are dealing with the fall out. You need to bring your most professional self to work. Maybe some introspection is needed OP - what do you do that is annoying the hell out colleagues and how would you feel if they said it to your face under the guise of bringing their whole self to work?

I've always masked with certain colleagues. Certainly with bosses.

How do these men manage to find spouses?

I'm autistic BTW.

You can't be your authentic self at work OP. Not in most jobs.

I am not good at working with people I dislike either.

In your situation I might ask to have an informal meeting with your manager and tell them that you are finding it really distracting that this woman keeps coming over and criticising your workspace and trying to talk about random non work topics while you are trying to work and it's starting to become a bit of an issue for you. Tell them that you are autistic and so you do understand that some people would not mind, that you are finding the frequency of it and the personal nature of the comments to be stressful now and you were wondering if they had ideas or how to handle it without seeming rude, or would they speak to her.

Your employers, and your colleagues, do not want you to bring your ‘authentic self’ to work, no matter what they might espouse. They want only for the workplace to run smoothly, the work to get done and to go home. Many of them probably judge & dislike you as much as you judge & dislike them. Everything you’ve described is just the same for non-autistic people. We all have colleagues we just don’t mesh with. You’re not a better person than they are.

So, yes, you do have to bring good manners to work. You can ask this woman to stop commenting about your desk without being rude. Practice in front of a mirror if need be.

God, he sounds absolutely awful!

How does he manage to ‘ despise and hate ‘ so many people?

Does he realise that people may think the same about him?

Just go to work, make pleasant small talk, keep your head down and go home. We all have someone we don't like as much in work, and wouldn't socialise outside of work with them, as they're not our cup of tea. That's life. Doesn't mean you have to be rude to them.

Oh god. If I took my authentic self (whatever that is) to work I would need a HR department of my own!

There are people I don’t like at work and there are people who don’t like me . All I ask is that people are as civil and polite to me as I am to them. It’s a place of work not a social club . I also know that once I leave I will be forgotten about so don’t overshare or socialise outside of work . It’s easier just to be polite and avoid people I don’t like as much as possible.

@YourWaryPlumBalonz
I had exactly the same problem! She would come and sit at my desk talking about hair extensions and Why Was Diana Killed by the Royal Family. All things I don't give a shiny shit about. When the office manger was there it wasn't too bad, but as soon as she was out - anything went. I HATED working with her, I had no interest in her or her family etc I ended up leaving as I couldn't stand it any longer.

I've never come across anyone who says that they are being their "authentic self" to be anything other than judgemental and rude - but very thin skinned so if someone says anything back they are traumatised.

Yes, it's a bit like 'I speak as a I find'.

AKA rude.

I don't feel that strongly about colleagues. Some I really like, others I'm indifferent to. It's rare I find anyone objectionable.

No one expects you to be best friends with your colleagues but you're being pretty judgmental about the one you talk about. So what if she likes handbags? Why does that provoke such a reaction in you?

Its so wearing.....I ended up getting a job where it didn't matter if I was rude (in a funny way) as it was taken as banter. I fricking love my job now!!!!!!!!

It would bother me if colleagues had very messy desks. If it's messy enough to comment upon, it's not a professional workspace.

I'd probably try to find at least some redeeming features within them. If that was impossible I'd just be polite but not really hold any meaningful convo. If they were making me upset or bullying me then I'd tell their manager.

We are all NPCs (non playable characters) in everyone else's life.

A lot of the time people are not thinking anything about us at all.

Work often forces people into conflict eg: Sales can't ship stuff because Finance have put accounts on stop etc.

Dealing with other people smoothly is a skill everyone has to learn over their working lives.

Fortunately I've always worked in places too busy actually getting stuff done to bother with "bring your authentic self to work" do gooding HR stuff, or whatever it was originally supposed to imply.

Conversely, it wouldn't affect me at all - unless it was spilling over onto mine.

We all feel like this OP - autistic or not! We do not choose our colleagues and we may or may not like them, but we all have to bite our tongues and get on with our jobs. It's called being professional.

I blame the 'take your whole self to work' nonsense that's been talked about in recent years. IMO, no one should take their whole self to work! You should take a curated, professional version of yourself and leave your personal opinions, baggage, politics, likes and dislikes at the door. If you have colleagues that you genuinely like, then great, but these are a random bunch of people who you just have to make the best of. If this woman is making you feel uncomfortable though by complaining about the state of your desk, which is none of her business, I would speak to my line manager and see if someone could have a word with her about keeping her opinions to herself.