DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

It’s really cheeky of him to not ask you , no matter who it is. I grew up with my parents divorced since I was 4 and somehow all the adults in our lives made sure we still had birthdays and Christmasses with our whole families. As an adult, also now divorced I can’t tell you how much I rate my SM and Mum and Dad for putting us first in those scenarios. All that considered I would be so pissed off at him inviting anyone without asking you first. But you are very kind to think of the girls and it’s only one day.

It's a lot of work for you. Can you ask everyone to bring a dish themselves. We bring the Ham, roast potatoes and mash to my MILs house. It will help you out.

He should have asked you but maybe it was one of those on the spot decisions he made while talking to her. It's nice for his children anyway.

Out of order IMO she is not your responsibility

I had a similar thing a few years ago. My 'partner's' ex was single and was going to spend Christmas with her family then her friend then all fell through and he was hosting his adult sons and he invited her around so she wouldn't be alone. I'd never actually spent a single Christmas with him since his ex and boys liked to do Christmas as the old family unit (they split up around 20 years ago long before I'd met him.

It was awful and YANBU @IcyPortal he is. His ex's problems are not his problems to solve. As here my 'partner's' ex's problems were not for him to sort out. However, you can never win when children, even adult children are involved and it left a lasting resentment that changed our relationship for the worse.

Stand up for yourself and say NO why should you have to solver her problems.

Not read past this, but it's not tit for tat ;)

It's because it will be as great for your children as it will be for his having both parents there.

You saw how happy his children are, your children should be happy too. That's fair, is it not?

He thought that there was nothing wrong with what he did. So did you. You only did the same as he did.

And if he moans, then he's just being petty. And a hypocrite!

Why was it awful?

DH would be doing the entire shopping AND cooking.

Its band out of order from your OH... im not sure what you can do now though. I wouldn't be thrilled though.

Completely agree.

And he's already tested the waters with "minor issues" prior to this.

I'm five years he'll have taken over OPs bank accounts, dress sense, job choices and friendships.

Anyone who has had the good fortune to not have ever been involved with dickheads like this will think I'm being dramatic. And I'm delighted for them. The rest of us can see it coming as inevitably as day follows night.

On a serious note, the problem isn't just that he didn't ask you, it's that he doesn't feel that he has to. And he probably never will. That's the problem. You need to decide whether you are happy to put up with that for the rest of your life.

He doesn't ask you because your opinion isn't important. He does what he wants and if you are inconvenienced, he doesn't care. He sees that as your problem.

I have been with my husband for 11 years and I have shared a Christmas breakfast and on another year a dinner with his ex wife who also would have been alone. (It was during the lockdowns and her mum was in hospital)
The difference is though we both talked about it and agreed with the invite. We knew my step daughter was worried about her mum being alone and we didn’t want that and also I like her, we genuinely get on and I see her as a friend. It would probably be better for your step daughters to have there mum for dinner but you should have been asked and you also need to stop doing all of the work that goes into Christmas.

He sounds very disrespectful of your feelings. Why doesn't he share the workload fairly? Is it beneth him??

I think you’re being really petty.

He’s obviously not thought to tell you because ITS NOT A BIG DEAL to him and he was just tying to be nice?!

you have said yourself that there’s no issues between you and she’s always been nice and respectful…… so why would you mind?

i, personally wouldn’t have said anything…. Especially if it makes the children happy and just said afterwards “can you mention it if you invite another person to Christmas so I can make sure there’s enough food/wine/cake.

My husband HAS done this before and it’s not a massive deal. We are a FAMILY….. through our children! So what’s the issue?

He should have asked.

It's October so you have time to plan so there's less work for you.

His brother, sister and ex can all be asked to bring something for Christmas dinner (dessert, a soup for a starter, Christmas cake, side dishes ready to go in the oven).

The kids are old enough to contribute to Christmas magic while still receiving some of it - they can peel vegetables and do a lot of the food prep on Christmas eve.

The person who has to work on Christmas eve shouldn't be solely responsible for Christmas day dinner for lots of people.

Another option is postponing Christmas day dinner to Boxing Day or another day when its not immediately after you being at work late and having a curry or some other obviously not Christmas meal on Christmas day.

He’s overstepped the mark and should’ve talked it through with you first. It’s quite a leap of meeting your dp’s ex a few times to having them in your house at Christmas. Some people would be extremely uncomfortable with it.

Your DP needs to share the work with preparations for Christmas Day and not leave it all to you. If you’re working late the day before it’s not fair on you to deal with it all.

Please just go along with this with a smile on your face. It will mean so much to your step children for so many years and it will be such a positive things for them to see all the adults in their life getting along well with each other. It's not ideal he didn't ask you, as it wouldn't be if he had asked any other person to join you, and you should let him know that, in future, he should run things like this by you first, but now he has and the kids know about it, please make it a happy occasion.

That’s why OP should invite her ex. Happy children all round, what fun!

Sorry I disagree, he should have asked, its her home too.

Totally agree.
I'm getting frustrated at all the 'it's fine with us' comments here.
And the well meaning but futile suggestions about getting him to help with the chores. Like hell he will.

That requires consideration which he does not possess.

We've had the cool wives, now it's the cool exes. Lol.

Being civil does not mean you have to have Christmas Day with them ffs.

I hope the OP sees sense and gets rid of him.

He's a selfish, lazy round the house git who probably relishes the two main women in his lives serving him.

I think that's closer to the truth than him being kind.

This would most definitely be a deal breaker for me.

Deep down this could be his way of assessing if he still cares for his ex.

Imagine sweating in a hot kitchen listening to your dp and his ex-wife giggling over the sherry. It's just not on.

Absolutely she should invite her ex but not to be petty.

I am mid 40s. My parents divorced when I was three. For the past few years since before COVID, my dad has joined us for Christmas, even when my mum hosts at her house and even when my mum was still married to my step dad. It has been a very wonderful experience for me and for my DD to see everyone united.

So HIS kids get both parents for xmas day.
Your kids get to see this. But despite you also being on good terms with your ex, you won't consider inviting him too and making it fair for YOUR own children so as not to upset him. Have I read that right?!

Do your kids know about the new invitee??

Also: Does his ex have no shame? There is no way I'd accept this invite in her shoes. (Though TBH if my ex had my kids so little he'd not be getting to enjoy xmas day and me being sat on my own anyway).

My ex sees the kids regularly, I have had him in my house for part of xmas day before but it was my choice, it was because kids were so tiny, and I'm single so no new partner or blended family dynamics to consider. Plus we only did it the first year. We now have a different xmas arrangement.

This isn't just about xmas day though is it OP. He's not coming off great tbh in general. You're like his skivvy. He's not thought of your feelings, your kids feelings, thought to ask, doesn't pull his weight in the house or with the kids, the physical or mental load. I'd be doing some wider thinking in your shoes.

Exactly.

This is why he has form of doing this, by OPs admission he’s done similar things before and just dismisses her. Well those who don’t hear will feel and I too will invite my EX and see how you like it, even if it is tit for tat. The cheek of him
calling her petty. That alone would make me tell him to screw himself and sort dinner on his own.

something has got to give
otherwise you’re just letting him walk all over you. I could never allow that sort of disrespectful mick take to slide, but then again I would never saddle myself with such a man in the first place.

You contradicted yourself in your OP.

You said you told him it made you uncomfortable.

You ended with - I only said I would have liked to have been asked but now he thinks I have a problen with his ex.

Which is it?

this is the issue. And this: I’m going to be doing most of the work on the day. why would you choose a man, at this stage if your life, who isnt independent? He creates work.

i would seriously think about what needs to be done and give him more than half to do. He also is told he is preparing the dinner with you on christmas day. He will of course need to shop for it.

I don't see the contradiction. Partner drops bombshell and OP says it makes her uncomfortable. After time to reflect she has a better understanding of exactly which part makes her uncomfortable.

Isn’t it pretty much guaranteed that recreating the original family unit around his two daughters is going to separate them off from OP and her DC on Christmas Day?
I could imagine him proposing a ‘family’ drive in the afternoon, leaving OP + her sprogs at home amid the table wreckage.

I think it’s the logistics/human nature bit that is dangerously overlooked here. Since it’d be the ex’s first substantial time in OP’s home, there will be no structure in place, no relaxed moving among the merry throng, because she’ll be very much the unusual guest (possibly another reason why he might wish to split with them all and leave OP at home!)
Anyway, since there’s no easy chummy relationships in place yet, the Yuletide happy families atmosphere will only be sparkling around this bloke, his ex wife, and their girls. I can’t see the other kids getting a look-in at all. Could be upsetting.
And OP is designedly sidelined as head cook and bottle washer, leaving the field free for an enclosed family unit to arise in her house, excluding her and her children.

I would make every effort to turn him around and arrange Christmas Day at hers, with the girls.
Wash your hands of it because I think he will wreck any chance of his ex actually blending in, and will just revert to being her husband for the day.
It would mean OP’s Christmas Day is a bitter one, and yet still she’ll be castigated by that oaf if any distress is noticed.