DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

Your DP sounds like a kind, lovely man who asked his ex wife for the best possible reasons, and simply didn't think that you would have a problem with it. Of course he should have asked you, but my guess is that he simply didn't think that it would be an issue. He does appear to have the emotional intelligence of a sea slug, but then he isn't the only man who fits that description! I would suggest just going with the flow for now. Make sure he does plenty to help in the run up to, and during, Christmas, and then have a bit of a chat in the New Year, once the dust has settled. Let him know that you need to be involved in decisions about who is being invited to your house, and that you felt rather hurt that he didn't think to discuss this with you before an invitation was issued. In the meantime, Happy Christmas!

This is perfect. And as time goes by the kids will think this. If to get get their mum, why can't we have dad.... Let's see how this plays out.

@TotaleclipseinFrance

No way will he manage a Christmas. But I’d enjoy sitting with a cheery glass of something watching him try 😇

I think the least petty response now would be “well you’ve put me in an awkward position now, I’ll have to ask DC how they feel & if they’d like to invite their father so they also get both parents for Christmas, you really need to think about these things in a blended family”
he’ll keep walking over you if you just let it go.

You're his skivvy

Your prize for tolerating more and more of this, is your voice disappearing slowly. Count the years go by, celebrate every anniversary, and by the end there is nothing of you left, but the best part of the prize is a snoring sulky man who got his way and doesn’t know you at all.

The best bit is you did it yourself. You are the Tolerater.

I don't understand the people saying that op just has to suck it up now, because it's only October so it's perfect to say no this isn't happening and she can just make whatever arrangements she wants to make for Christmas.

I would be saying to DH that not only is it not petty but it doesn't absolute deal breaker and if he will not uninvite his ex then I would do it.

You don't have to be nasty just send her a message asking the lines of "hi x, DP said he had invited you over for Christmas but he didn't discuss it with me first and it's not going to be possible. As it's only October I know you've plenty of time to make your own arrangements and of course you'll want to have the girls over at some point I'm sure. "

And if he kicks off over it I would split up with him because he sounds absolutely awful and very dismissive of you and your feelings and also of your children, so if you're not upset on your own behalf then get upset on your children's behalf because he thinks should spend their Christmas with a completely unrelated woman so his children can have both of their biological parents there but yours can't.

Honestly this would be an absolute line in the sand for me and I would have a massive argument with DH if he did this and thought it was okay.

You are not an equal in this relationship. You are effectively his (unpaid) employee.
Why don't you get invited to your Ex's celebration with your own DC and leave all the Christmas work and presents to him at your house. Or go on holiday with your DC.

• He often makes decisions about his DC which involve you, but you are the last to hear.
• He invited his ex.
• He told his DC who were thrilled and excited. (so you will be forced to agree
• He then instructed you that this was happening (whether you like it or not)
• When you (rightly) said he should have asked you first ,You get labelled "petty" disagreeable, maybe ruining your SDCs xmas. and resentful of his ex, When the reality is that you are OK with his ex, and don't want to disappoint the children...

• You are expected to just do whatever he asks.
• You do all the work
• He says in a patronising fashion something along the lines of "Christmas is only a dinner" because he seems to do nothing of the organising and has no knowledge of the effort involved.
• And you are labelled petty etc if you dare to object.

I completely agree with @Katastrophyy - you are indeed his skivvy and this is probably not the first time.
HOUSE PURCHASE. - are the finances as unbalanced as the rest of the work?
How much did you both put into the purchase of the new house Which was bought largely to accommodate his DC.. after he moved into yours?
How fairly are the household finances distributed.
Who pays for all the presents

(you don't have to give details on here.. just raising it for your consideration)

If I’m honest I do most of the day to day stuff. I do the laundry, cooking and most of the cleaning, sorting the kids things out and all that. He does more of the outside bits and will do jobs that need doing around the house, bins, garden etc. He will help if I ask but I tend to be the one who notices what needs doing in the first place if that makes sense.

He shouls have discussed it with you, but honestly, I think he has doen a lovely thing. He clesrly has a decent relationship with his ex and it is a nice thing fornhis kids tongue that their parents can be friends.

My ex and his kids come to mine every Christmas, birthday, Easter, etc. I never discussed it with dh as it had been happening long before we got together so it was just how it was. Ex and dh get on well, ex was at our wedding reception, was invited to the day but he couldnt get the time off work.

We are all family.

If I’m honest I do most of the day to day stuff. I do the laundry, cooking and most of the cleaning, sorting the kids things out and all that. He does more of the outside bits and will do jobs that need doing around the house, bins, garden etc. He will help if I ask but I tend to be the one who notices what needs doing in the first place if that makes sense.

He's not going to turn into a domestic god on the day or on the run up to Christmas. 🙄

Good grief.
It takes months of practice to turn out a half decent roast dinner yet alone upscaling it into a traditional Christmas dinner.
You need muscle memory for this. He sounds fecking useless when it comes to domesticity.

The suggestions that she can make this work to her advantage are really untrue. Irritatingly so.

Shell be doing all the drudgery while at best his ex will feel out of place, wanting to help but unsure, or worse actively enjoying her do the drudgery, or reconnecting with the 'd' p.

The only sensible advice is to get rid of him. He can spend as many cosy Xmas days as he likes with his ex then. Lovely.

Isn't it interesting how a 'nice thing' is so often the precise phrasing used when volunteering another woman's time and labour for free?

The fact that she's his ex isn't wouldn't necessarily annoy me It's that 'D'P has seen fit to treat you like unpaid staff, became combative when you rightly protested, and had the gall to accuse you of being petty. And of course the kids are delighted. Very clever emotional blackmail, because you can't very well renege on it without upsetting the children and 'ruining everyone's Christmas'. You know the protestations before even hearing them. And this alters the picture somewhat. As well as being lazy and a weapons-grade CF, he's also been very manipulative.

I think, in terms of the invitation itself, you've been painted into a corner. Where I would draw the line is in all the work you'd need to do to make it happen. At the very least, the whole lot of you should go to a restaurant or he can roll his sleeves up and does something productive. A memorable phrase from a previous MN Christmas thread springs to mind. A cock and balls doesn't preclude him from peeling some spuds and shoving a fucking turkey into the oven.

I’m nominating this one

A cock and balls doesn't preclude him from peeling some spuds and shoving a fucking turkey into the oven.

There are 68 days and 9 weekends until Christmas Day, according to Google. Plenty of time to practise.

Me and DP are having a bit of an argument about Christmas and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together 3 years and live together. I have a DS13 and DD8 from my previous relationship and he has two DDs, 15 and 10, from his marriage. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the school holidays. They are coming to us Christmas Eve and staying until Boxing Day this year.

We’d agreed we would have everyone here for Christmas dinner. His brother and my sister were invited as well, so its already going to be quite a full house. I don’t mind that, I like having people round for Christmas and the kids all get on well enough. I am the one who does most of the organising though, sorting food, presents, making sure everyone has got what they need etc. DP will help if I ask him but he isn’t the sort to think ahead about things.

Anyway a few days ago he mentioned that his ex wife would be coming for Christmas dinner as well. I actually thought he was joking at first and said what do you mean coming for dinner? Apparently he’d invited her because she would otherwise be on her own.

For context she has recently split up with her boyfriend and doesn’t have much family nearby. I do feel sorry for her in that respect and I’m not saying she should have to sit on her own all day if there is another option. But DP had already invited her before even mentioning it to me. I had no idea he was planning this and we hadn’t discussed it at all.

He said he thought it was the right thing to do and the girls would be happy having both their parents there. Which they are, his eldest especially was really pleased when she found out. I haven’t said anything to them about it and wouldn’t want to spoil their Christmas or make them feel like they have to choose between us.

But I don’t really understand why he couldn’t have asked me first? It’s my home as well and I’m going to be doing most of the work on the day. I finish work late on Christmas Eve so there is already going to be a lot to get sorted in a short space of time. I know having one extra person isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t really about the food or having enough chairs. I just feel like he’s made a decision that affects all of us and told me afterwards as though it’s already settled.

When I said I wasn’t comfortable with it he got quite annoyed and said I was being petty and making something nice into an issue. He said it was for the children. I said that I wasn’t stopping his girls seeing their mum. They could see her earlier in the day or he could take them to see her, or she could come over for a bit. I just hadn’t agreed to having her here for the whole dinner.

He then said it would be awkward if she only came for an hour and that the girls wanted her there. I do get that. They are old enough to understand their parents aren’t together but obviously it would be nice for them to have a Christmas where everyone can be in the same room and get along. I am not trying to make things difficult for them.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong either. We are civil when we see each other but we aren’t friends and we don’t socialise together. She’s never been rude to me and I have no reason to think anything is going on between them. They were married for a long time and have children together so obviously they will always have a connection. I’m not asking him to cut her out of their lives.

It is just that he does sometimes agree to things with her or the girls and then tell me afterwards. Usually it’s small things and I let it go, but this feels different because Christmas dinner is happening in our house and I’m the one who will be getting everything ready. I feel like if I had invited my ex to spend the day with us without discussing it with him, DP would have something to say about that.

My sister thinks he should have asked me first but says now that the girls are excited I should probably just let it happen. My friend says she wouldn’t have her partner’s ex wife sitting at her Christmas table at all, but I think that’s a bit harsh when she’s recently split up and would be alone otherwise.

I haven’t told DP she can’t come. I just said I wasn’t happy that he had invited her without even asking me, and now he’s acting like I’ve got a problem with his ex when that’s not what I said.

AIBU to think he should have spoken to me before inviting her, or am I making too much of it and should just get on with Christmas?

Make the best of it but make hom take you away on a luxury long weekend in january