DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

Make him take you away for a long weekend...

Give him a list of chores...

Make him do the cooking...

None- NONE!! - of this works with a man like OP's dp.

Some posters are offering solutions to a problem that a man who would do these suggested things wouldn't have created in the first place!!

As if a man who is willing to spoil his partner with luxury breaks away and/or do his fair share of chores would even dream of inviting his ex around for Xmas let alone not consuiting her over it!!

He's clearly a fecking arsehole she needs to be rid of.

Basically, in three years, you have taken on the work of doing virtually all the domestic labour for a divorced man, as well as working outside the home and looking after your own kids and his. That's madness.

If I’m honest I do most of the day to day stuff. I do the laundry, cooking and most of the cleaning, sorting the kids things out and all that. He does more of the outside bits and will do jobs that need doing around the house, bins, garden etc. He will help if I ask but I tend to be the one who notices what needs doing in the first place if that makes sense.

Basically, in three years, you have taken on the work of doing virtually all the domestic labour for a divorced man, as well as working outside the home and looking after your own kids and his. That's madness.

AND he wants to play happy families with his ex on Christmas Day while she does all the work!

It's mind boggling

“It demonstrates something very powerful to all the children involved - that it's possible to be amicable & friendly after a significant relationship ends. I think that is a great life lesson for them.“

Also demonstrates that he’s the one with all the power in the relationship and OP has to suck it up. Misogyny at it’s best.

It's not really a question of whether the current husband can or will cook for Christmas. I think the OP has been violated to have to accept an ex wife into her home with no discussion.How old are you, why did you sell your 3-bed home for a 4-bed to marry a man with children: what is his income. You obviously can manage on your own. I hate to say this but the entire episode is nothing to do with accepting an ex wife over Christmas because she might be lonely: it is the total disregard for the current wife who is working hard and who does the majority of the work at home - seriously, you are only 3-years into this marriage: he won't ever change, he is taking advantage and putting you down at the same time. You probably thought you'd have a lovely relaxing Christmas but instead you will be expected to entertain an ex-wife... not easy, not a comfortable situation, not a fun day for you at all. Sorry, you have to rethink this marriage as it will only get worse - yes the invitation was a kindness to the ex wife but it did not need to be made and it was hidden from you and presented as a fait accompli. That man will continue to erode your happiness and comfort. Can you expect him to give you a fabulous Christmas present? I guess not... Let us know. Value yourself more, put yourself first, make him respect you because he does not and probably never did - if you leave him will he get half your house...?? The issue here is the marriage not Christmas Day...

It's not really a question of whether the current husband can or will cook for Christmas. I think the OP has been violated to have to accept an ex wife into her home with no discussion.How old are you, why did you sell your 3-bed home for a 4-bed to marry a man with children: what is his income. You obviously can manage on your own. I hate to say this but the entire episode is nothing to do with accepting an ex wife over Christmas because she might be lonely: it is the total disregard for the current wife who is working hard and who does the majority of the work at home - seriously, you are only 3-years into this marriage: he won't ever change, he is taking advantage and putting you down at the same time. You probably thought you'd have a lovely relaxing Christmas but instead you will be expected to entertain an ex-wife... not easy, not a comfortable situation, not a fun day for you at all. Sorry, you have to rethink this marriage as it will only get worse - yes the invitation was a kindness to the ex wife but it did not need to be made and it was hidden from you and presented as a fait accompli. That man will continue to erode your happiness and comfort. Can you expect him to give you a fabulous Christmas present? I guess not... Let us know. Value yourself more, put yourself first, make him respect you because he does not and probably never did - if you leave him will he get half your house...?? The issue here is the marriage not Christmas Day...

Me and DP are having a bit of an argument about Christmas and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together 3 years and live together. I have a DS13 and DD8 from my previous relationship and he has two DDs, 15 and 10, from his marriage. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the school holidays. They are coming to us Christmas Eve and staying until Boxing Day this year.

We’d agreed we would have everyone here for Christmas dinner. His brother and my sister were invited as well, so its already going to be quite a full house. I don’t mind that, I like having people round for Christmas and the kids all get on well enough. I am the one who does most of the organising though, sorting food, presents, making sure everyone has got what they need etc. DP will help if I ask him but he isn’t the sort to think ahead about things.

Anyway a few days ago he mentioned that his ex wife would be coming for Christmas dinner as well. I actually thought he was joking at first and said what do you mean coming for dinner? Apparently he’d invited her because she would otherwise be on her own.

For context she has recently split up with her boyfriend and doesn’t have much family nearby. I do feel sorry for her in that respect and I’m not saying she should have to sit on her own all day if there is another option. But DP had already invited her before even mentioning it to me. I had no idea he was planning this and we hadn’t discussed it at all.

He said he thought it was the right thing to do and the girls would be happy having both their parents there. Which they are, his eldest especially was really pleased when she found out. I haven’t said anything to them about it and wouldn’t want to spoil their Christmas or make them feel like they have to choose between us.

But I don’t really understand why he couldn’t have asked me first? It’s my home as well and I’m going to be doing most of the work on the day. I finish work late on Christmas Eve so there is already going to be a lot to get sorted in a short space of time. I know having one extra person isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t really about the food or having enough chairs. I just feel like he’s made a decision that affects all of us and told me afterwards as though it’s already settled.

When I said I wasn’t comfortable with it he got quite annoyed and said I was being petty and making something nice into an issue. He said it was for the children. I said that I wasn’t stopping his girls seeing their mum. They could see her earlier in the day or he could take them to see her, or she could come over for a bit. I just hadn’t agreed to having her here for the whole dinner.

He then said it would be awkward if she only came for an hour and that the girls wanted her there. I do get that. They are old enough to understand their parents aren’t together but obviously it would be nice for them to have a Christmas where everyone can be in the same room and get along. I am not trying to make things difficult for them.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong either. We are civil when we see each other but we aren’t friends and we don’t socialise together. She’s never been rude to me and I have no reason to think anything is going on between them. They were married for a long time and have children together so obviously they will always have a connection. I’m not asking him to cut her out of their lives.

It is just that he does sometimes agree to things with her or the girls and then tell me afterwards. Usually it’s small things and I let it go, but this feels different because Christmas dinner is happening in our house and I’m the one who will be getting everything ready. I feel like if I had invited my ex to spend the day with us without discussing it with him, DP would have something to say about that.

My sister thinks he should have asked me first but says now that the girls are excited I should probably just let it happen. My friend says she wouldn’t have her partner’s ex wife sitting at her Christmas table at all, but I think that’s a bit harsh when she’s recently split up and would be alone otherwise.

I haven’t told DP she can’t come. I just said I wasn’t happy that he had invited her without even asking me, and now he’s acting like I’ve got a problem with his ex when that’s not what I said.

AIBU to think he should have spoken to me before inviting her, or am I making too much of it and should just get on with Christmas?

Not always. Ex and I get on well now. My late DH was perfectly happy with him being invited to events. As I was with his ex. Divorce doesn’t always need drama and hostility. 🙄

No misogyny involved. 🤷‍♀️