DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

So this is your purpose, his skivvy aupair.
You go along with it.

Of course he thinks he can invite his ex over without consultation, and call you petty.

Could he have any less respect for you?
Could you?

I think the least petty response now would be “well you’ve put me in an awkward position now, I’ll have to ask DC how they feel & if they’d like to invite their father so they also get both parents for Christmas, you really need to think about these things in a blended family”
he’ll keep walking over you if you just let it go.

Agree

asking someone to do jobs is managing them which us mental load

stop being a doormat skivviy divvy up all jibs

This is perfect. And as time goes by the kids will think this. If to get get their mum, why can't we have dad.... Let's see how this plays out.

Stop and think.

You don't dislike her?
You are working the day before
Her kids would love it
You could recruit more hands in the making of Christmas Day
You get to set the scene: the one where you are wholly secure in your relationship

But yeah, rip on him a bit, he should have discussed it with you first, he was a total twat not to

Ffs! Really?

Plonk all of this on the kids?

Whi probably couldn't be more childish...

When I said I wasn’t comfortable with it he got quite annoyed and said I was being petty and making something nice into an issue.

That’s the real issue here, surely? He shouldn’t have issued the invitation without consulting you and he shouldn’t have doubled down when he was called out on it. If he had apologised and said he was sorry and how can he make it work then it would be different.

There must be other choices than retaliating or knuckling under, but I do think that you need to have it out with him.

Your DP sounds like a kind, lovely man who asked his ex wife for the best possible reasons, and simply didn't think that you would have a problem with it. Of course he should have asked you, but my guess is that he simply didn't think that it would be an issue. He does appear to have the emotional intelligence of a sea slug, but then he isn't the only man who fits that description! I would suggest just going with the flow for now. Make sure he does plenty to help in the run up to, and during, Christmas, and then have a bit of a chat in the New Year, once the dust has settled. Let him know that you need to be involved in decisions about who is being invited to your house, and that you felt rather hurt that he didn't think to discuss this with you before an invitation was issued. In the meantime, Happy Christmas!

Agree with HoppityBun

"There must be other choices than retaliating or knuckling under, but I do think that you need to have it out with him."

The issue is lack of communication before asking abd lack of help with planning/prep/cooking and clearing up.

So it was not an affair. Thanks for clearing that up.

You're very tolerant then because I am saying hand on heart that I do not know any women who would tolerate this and I'm not just talking about not telling you he'd invited her but inviting her full stop.

It's batshit.
Absolutely batshit.

It is one thing the two of you and her attending other people's events-that's to be expected, quite another that you're accommodating her.

Both of them sound fecking deranged: him for thinking it OK to ask her and her for accepting.
Or just testing to see how they get on again.

I've an image of you hot and sweaty doing the roast potatoes while the two of them 'reconnect' over the sherry.

Don't be a mug ffs. There is NOTHING normal about what he's done.
No disrespect but the ones saying yabu are the ones who are your dp in this situation.
They're the women with two men doing their bidding. This situation is a gender neutral opportunity.

Get rid of him ffs. I'm pissed off on your behalf. Fecking tosser that he is.

Mine does 🤷‍♀️ there's no drama, everyone gets along, my kids love it.

Wouldnt do it the other way (with his ex) because she's a hell beast.

Why are you doing all this? Why is he not pulling his weight like an adult?

If his ex is alone this Christmas and not working Christmas Eve, you can all go to her home and she can do the hosting with your DH and then you can help when you arrive after work. Or maybe his and your siblings who are alone and not working Christmas Eve can have it at their place

I think he should have spoken to you first, but I do think it was the right thing to do to ask her. I hope you would have agreed if asked.

You should definitely maintain the invite now.

In her shoes, I probably wouldn’t want to do this, and quite like doing my own thing, but it sounds like his children will really appreciate it.

However, I would take the opportunity thud presents to tell him that he is getting more involved with the hard work of Christmas. The planning, the thinking ahead as well as the actual doing. Not just “helping if asked”.

”DH, I’m glad you’re taking some ownership of Christmas because I’ve been thinking that far too much of the planning and hard work has fallen to me. I think you should be completely in charge of [x and y aspects of the day] and I’ll deal with [a and b].”

And then completely leave him to his parts of the day.

I think that’s your real problem here, not the ex. That he feels happy to add to the work / make decisions about it, but not to do any of it.

No, he should not have spoken to you first. He should have thought it through in the teeny brain of his, realised what a bloody imposition it was, and how he'd be an arse for even suggesting it, and then not had to bother asking AT ALL!!!

Wtaf OP. Of course YANBU. What a twat you have introduced into your child’s life. He didn’t even discuss it with you. It is mind-boggling. I would run for the hills.

I would get everyone involved with this Christmas! Everyone can chip in with doing the dinners. Don’t make this year hard for yourself & certainly make sure you have a chat about how things went after 26th but before 31st December. So you see the new year in a fresh.

Out of order. But now he can make everything for Xmas and you can relax.

This is actually the best way of wording it that I've seen on here.

Why would he be an arse for suggesting it?

My partner happily hosts my ex on Xmas day. In his house and he does all the cooking ( he likes cooking)

I wouldn't actually mind his ex bring there but then again I like her better than he does. And they've got no children living in this country

Another ‘Tolerater’

Your prize for tolerating more and more of this, is your voice disappearing slowly. Count the years go by, celebrate every anniversary, and by the end there is nothing of you left, but the best part of the prize is a snoring sulky man who got his way and doesn’t know you at all.

The best bit is you did it yourself. You are the Tolerater.

I’m the same. I like his ex better than he does. I don’t know why it’s supposed to be obligatory to hate your partner’s ex, I get on really well with my ex’s wife too.

He's not going to turn into a domestic god on the day or on the run up to Christmas. 🙄

Good grief.
It takes months of practice to turn out a half decent roast dinner yet alone upscaling it into a traditional Christmas dinner.
You need muscle memory for this. He sounds fecking useless when it comes to domesticity.

The suggestions that she can make this work to her advantage are really untrue. Irritatingly so.

Shell be doing all the drudgery while at best his ex will feel out of place, wanting to help but unsure, or worse actively enjoying her do the drudgery, or reconnecting with the 'd' p.

The only sensible advice is to get rid of him. He can spend as many cosy Xmas days as he likes with his ex then. Lovely.