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Original poster

DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

414 replies

IcyPortal · Yesterday 19:29

Me and DP are having a bit of an argument about Christmas and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together 3 years and live together. I have a DS13 and DD8 from my previous relationship and he has two DDs, 15 and 10, from his marriage. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the school holidays. They are coming to us Christmas Eve and staying until Boxing Day this year.

We’d agreed we would have everyone here for Christmas dinner. His brother and my sister were invited as well, so its already going to be quite a full house. I don’t mind that, I like having people round for Christmas and the kids all get on well enough. I am the one who does most of the organising though, sorting food, presents, making sure everyone has got what they need etc. DP will help if I ask him but he isn’t the sort to think ahead about things.

Anyway a few days ago he mentioned that his ex wife would be coming for Christmas dinner as well. I actually thought he was joking at first and said what do you mean coming for dinner? Apparently he’d invited her because she would otherwise be on her own.

For context she has recently split up with her boyfriend and doesn’t have much family nearby. I do feel sorry for her in that respect and I’m not saying she should have to sit on her own all day if there is another option. But DP had already invited her before even mentioning it to me. I had no idea he was planning this and we hadn’t discussed it at all.

He said he thought it was the right thing to do and the girls would be happy having both their parents there. Which they are, his eldest especially was really pleased when she found out. I haven’t said anything to them about it and wouldn’t want to spoil their Christmas or make them feel like they have to choose between us.

But I don’t really understand why he couldn’t have asked me first? It’s my home as well and I’m going to be doing most of the work on the day. I finish work late on Christmas Eve so there is already going to be a lot to get sorted in a short space of time. I know having one extra person isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t really about the food or having enough chairs. I just feel like he’s made a decision that affects all of us and told me afterwards as though it’s already settled.

When I said I wasn’t comfortable with it he got quite annoyed and said I was being petty and making something nice into an issue. He said it was for the children. I said that I wasn’t stopping his girls seeing their mum. They could see her earlier in the day or he could take them to see her, or she could come over for a bit. I just hadn’t agreed to having her here for the whole dinner.

He then said it would be awkward if she only came for an hour and that the girls wanted her there. I do get that. They are old enough to understand their parents aren’t together but obviously it would be nice for them to have a Christmas where everyone can be in the same room and get along. I am not trying to make things difficult for them.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong either. We are civil when we see each other but we aren’t friends and we don’t socialise together. She’s never been rude to me and I have no reason to think anything is going on between them. They were married for a long time and have children together so obviously they will always have a connection. I’m not asking him to cut her out of their lives.

It is just that he does sometimes agree to things with her or the girls and then tell me afterwards. Usually it’s small things and I let it go, but this feels different because Christmas dinner is happening in our house and I’m the one who will be getting everything ready. I feel like if I had invited my ex to spend the day with us without discussing it with him, DP would have something to say about that.

My sister thinks he should have asked me first but says now that the girls are excited I should probably just let it happen. My friend says she wouldn’t have her partner’s ex wife sitting at her Christmas table at all, but I think that’s a bit harsh when she’s recently split up and would be alone otherwise.

I haven’t told DP she can’t come. I just said I wasn’t happy that he had invited her without even asking me, and now he’s acting like I’ve got a problem with his ex when that’s not what I said.

AIBU to think he should have spoken to me before inviting her, or am I making too much of it and should just get on with Christmas?

OP posts:
Whettlettuce · Today 09:17

Sorry, but this is bayshit. No way would i be tolerating this and I would end things immediately

Whettlettuce · Today 09:19

THisbackwithavengeance · Today 07:16

FFS. You could follow the advice on this thread, kick off, divorce, leave the house and take your DCs with you. LTB, etc etc even though most posters advocating it wouldn’t do that themselves and if they would, that’s why they’re divorced, single and bitter. Yeah, ruin your kids Christmas, get divorced, over a small issue. Such shit advice.

However back in the real world, life is often recognising that compromises have to be made and it’s not just about you.
I would see this as a good thing to do for someone who would otherwise be sat alone on Xmas day meaning that your SDCs wouldn’t be worrying about their mum. You’ve already got a full house, so really one more won’t matter? I personally wouldn’t have a problem with it.

Who would be ok with hosting their partners ex for Christmas? . I certainly wouldn't

Wonderwall23 · Today 09:20

I agree with your sister but IMO he is blatantly unreasonable to ask anyone to Christmas Dinner, regardless of who it is, without asking you first.

I would absolutely push back on the petty label (it's not petty to expect basic manners), and if he wants to know what petty is it's that you've now asked your ex for Christmas dinner as well and he's coming. (Without actually doing that, obviously!)

Floatlikeafeather2 · Today 09:32

What has happened the other 2 years that you've been together? Why can't she cope with being on her own this year when surely the situation must have arisen at least once before?
Most divorced people I know scrap their usual arrangements at Christmas and each have some time with the kids over the period and those that live close enough to each other, split Christmas Day itself.
Having said that, he sounds thoughtless and lazy (all year round?) and that's the bit you need to be concentrating on. Tbh, if he's pushing back at you, instead of at least saying "I'm sorry. I just didn't think. What can I do to help?", it doesn't sound like he's likely to change at all.

Soulhorse · Today 09:39

“It demonstrates something very powerful to all the children involved - that it's possible to be amicable & friendly after a significant relationship ends. I think that is a great life lesson for them.“

Also demonstrates that he’s the one with all the power in the relationship and OP has to suck it up. Misogyny at it’s best.

3luckystars · Today 09:51

Also demonstrates that the OP is a servant. She has to do what she is told.

Original poster
IcyPortal · Today 09:51

No it wasnt an affair, he’d been split from his ex for quite a few years before me and him got together. There wasnt any overlap or anything like that and I dont have hard feelings towards her because of that, theres nothing to have hard feelings about.

I honestly dont think he’s still in love with her, they have kids together and have managed to stay on civil terms which I think is a good thing. I’m not saying what he’s done is fine, I’m annoyed that he didnt ask me and then called me petty when I said something. I dont see how that means I’ve left something out of the OP or that there must be some big secret reason behind it.

OP posts:
Greenmouldycheese · Today 09:54

I agree with him and think you are being nasty here.

Soulhorse · Today 09:55

How’s the workload split in your house OP?

3luckystars · Today 09:57

So, when you go to him with an issue, it feels like you caused the issue by the way he reacts ?

This here is an alarm bell going off. He is an absolute bully and a stupid, thoughtless one too.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · Today 09:57

Is he generally the type of person who, if he thinks the answer is going to be 'no' presents you with a fait accompli? Because I think this is more of a 'communication in the relationship' problem than an ex wife problem. And if you are doing all the work and he's just keeping his head down and you aren't saying anything about him picking up some of the slack - I really do think the pair of you need to work on talking more, even if it's awkward. Because I worry that you're both keeping quiet about things that need to be discussed, for fear of rocking the boat.

He's wrong not to have asked you about inviting his ex, obviously. But I think this goes deeper than that.

3luckystars · Today 09:58

Greenmouldycheese · Today 09:54

I agree with him and think you are being nasty here.

😂

TheIntricaciesOfHarpUpkeepAndMaintenance · Today 10:03

Soulhorse · Today 09:55

How’s the workload split in your house OP?

I’d also like to know this.

dragonflygold · Today 10:04

Soulhorse · Today 09:39

“It demonstrates something very powerful to all the children involved - that it's possible to be amicable & friendly after a significant relationship ends. I think that is a great life lesson for them.“

Also demonstrates that he’s the one with all the power in the relationship and OP has to suck it up. Misogyny at it’s best.

I then went on to say that he should have consulted the OP first, not made a decision on her behalf and earlier said that he should be pulling his weight and not leaving all the domestic work to her.

What I meant by saying about it being a lesson to the children involved is that the invitation is out there now & the kids have been told so the best course of action is to let it happen and model civilised, adult relationships.

BUT that doesn't mean the DP gets away with his behaviour around this and a frank discussion is very much needed. He should do better.

Millytante · Today 10:15

mathanxiety · Today 05:00

That's what a Stepford wife does.

Christmas is not about taking a woman for granted, inviting all and sundry to enjoy someone else's cooking with you after you've done nothing to contribute to the festive day, with you looking like the generous host, the big guy, the world's best parent and most magnanimous divorced dad.

If the ex had an ounce of class, she would have declined the invitation, or put it on ice until she was sure the OP was on board. It would take less than a minute to pick up the phone and confirm with the OP - and this woman probably knows the man she divorced is not the sort who plans ahead so Christmas would fall entirely on the OP.

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I agree; the ex ought ideally to have bypassed a potentially tricky sitch for her ex husband’s new partner, and instead invited him and their girls to her place.
Any woman who has not so far been entwined in that new family would surely intuit a potential trickiness for the other woman in her own home.

But it’s quite likely that he assured her that OP was fully on board with this and thoroughly delighted with the idea, which I reckon he planned all along to present to OP as a fait accompli, and then to rely on turning nasty if she raised any objections.

[I had no kip last night so am doubtless crotchety (even more than usual) but I want to scream at all the comments insisting that it is a physical impossibility to pass Dec 25 alone at home, incapable of consoling yourself or deriving any enjoyment from the day. What are we, five years of age?]

Katastrophyy · Today 10:23

I dont understand why you haven't invited your ex already. Just do it!!

Katastrophyy · Today 10:24

Cantstopeatingjaffacakes · Yesterday 19:34

Just to give another perspective - I’m single and my exh has remarried but we always spend Christmas altogether at his mums house (we take it in turns who has them Christmas Eve). I think it was a bit awkward for both me and his new wife at first but now we get on really well and it’s not a big deal.

We’ve been doing this since we got divorced 12 years ago and I can’t really see it changing . When I was in a relationship he came too.

But yes, he should have spoken to you about it.

Urgh id hate this

Original poster
IcyPortal · Today 10:29

Soulhorse · Today 09:55

How’s the workload split in your house OP?

If I’m honest I do most of the day to day stuff. I do the laundry, cooking and most of the cleaning, sorting the kids things out and all that. He does more of the outside bits and will do jobs that need doing around the house, bins, garden etc. He will help if I ask but I tend to be the one who notices what needs doing in the first place if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Easilyforgotten · Today 10:30

As an exercise, I would be tempted to casually say it turns out your Ex is also going to be alone for Christmas and that your kids would be so happy if he spent the day with you (without saying you're considering or have invited him) and just see what he says. If he doesn't embrace the idea with open arms you can ask him to think if your response still seems petty? What's sauce for the goose etc.
Not in earshot of the kids and not in expectation of actually inviting your Ex, but just to help him understand your point of view.

99bottlesofkombucha · Today 10:34

Greenmouldycheese · Today 09:54

I agree with him and think you are being nasty here.

did you read where she will do most of the work and plannng for Christmas dinner? In living caring marriages nobody invites someone else for Christmas without consulting. In even just getting on households NOBODY invited their ex when their partner is doing all the work. I’d just down tools snd message everyone ‘we’ve switched it up, dp is doing the Christmas dinner, should be fun! I’m looking forward to enjoying the Buck’s Fizz.’ His ex, his invitation, his work.

TheIntricaciesOfHarpUpkeepAndMaintenance · Today 10:34

IcyPortal · Today 10:29

If I’m honest I do most of the day to day stuff. I do the laundry, cooking and most of the cleaning, sorting the kids things out and all that. He does more of the outside bits and will do jobs that need doing around the house, bins, garden etc. He will help if I ask but I tend to be the one who notices what needs doing in the first place if that makes sense.

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So, you do all the housework, will be doing all of the work around Christmas, won’t invite your ex as it would annoy your DP (your annoyance is unimportant to him, though), often have your thoughts/desires/opinions dismissed by him and get called ‘petty’ when you complain.

This isn’t about Christmas dinner. Your relationship is grossly imbalanced.

Why are you accepting all this? Do you enjoy being a doormat? Is his cock gold plated? Help us understand.

socialbatteryisdead · Today 10:44

If I was the ex I would’ve declined.

Blondeshavemorefun · Today 10:46

It’s a pattern. He sorts things out with ex and then tells you.

Thats out of order

he is with you so he needs to talk/ask you first then chat to her - whether Xmas or a family picnic

yes it’s nice and if can be civil and get on then nice for kids

tho she seriously has no one ? No friends /parents /siblings who she can see on the 25

if she was with her partner she wouldn’t be coming or even thought about if the kids are used to seperate Xmas’s

saying all that - if you get on and you say you do - then let her come but tell your dp that he is helping you prepare

whether food shopping - cleaning house - cooking and washing /tidying up

the fact you do it all alone mainly is not on

Katastrophyy · Today 10:47

IcyPortal · Today 10:29

If I’m honest I do most of the day to day stuff. I do the laundry, cooking and most of the cleaning, sorting the kids things out and all that. He does more of the outside bits and will do jobs that need doing around the house, bins, garden etc. He will help if I ask but I tend to be the one who notices what needs doing in the first place if that makes sense.

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You're his skivvy

hacnocteequitamus · Today 10:52

It depresses me that some men do bins and gardens and think they’ve done their partner proud - as well as having eclipsed the partner’s tasks with their show of manly magnificence.

In this instance, unless the garden is the size of Dartmoor, the inside work is far more time consuming and is constant. Not just a pootle about outside occasionally.

OP - you deserve more. You deserve better. He needs to help more.

But he’d absolutely be doing all of Christmas. Because I’d be petty if he was accusing me of being petty.