DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

When I read advice like this, I understand why there are so many divorces.

I consider my exH my family and we regularly do things together with both sides of our shared children's family and my BF.
If parents can be in the same space for special occasions they absolutely should do for their kids.
I do think however he should have mentioned it to you before making the arrangements, but equally I wouldn't make a big deal of it.
If there is no bad blood between them and you and her, and he knows this, maybe he wasnt expecting you to have any issue with it as a concept?

Me and DP are having a bit of an argument about Christmas and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together 3 years and live together. I have a DS13 and DD8 from my previous relationship and he has two DDs, 15 and 10, from his marriage. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the school holidays. They are coming to us Christmas Eve and staying until Boxing Day this year.

We’d agreed we would have everyone here for Christmas dinner. His brother and my sister were invited as well, so its already going to be quite a full house. I don’t mind that, I like having people round for Christmas and the kids all get on well enough. I am the one who does most of the organising though, sorting food, presents, making sure everyone has got what they need etc. DP will help if I ask him but he isn’t the sort to think ahead about things.

Anyway a few days ago he mentioned that his ex wife would be coming for Christmas dinner as well. I actually thought he was joking at first and said what do you mean coming for dinner? Apparently he’d invited her because she would otherwise be on her own.

For context she has recently split up with her boyfriend and doesn’t have much family nearby. I do feel sorry for her in that respect and I’m not saying she should have to sit on her own all day if there is another option. But DP had already invited her before even mentioning it to me. I had no idea he was planning this and we hadn’t discussed it at all.

He said he thought it was the right thing to do and the girls would be happy having both their parents there. Which they are, his eldest especially was really pleased when she found out. I haven’t said anything to them about it and wouldn’t want to spoil their Christmas or make them feel like they have to choose between us.

But I don’t really understand why he couldn’t have asked me first? It’s my home as well and I’m going to be doing most of the work on the day. I finish work late on Christmas Eve so there is already going to be a lot to get sorted in a short space of time. I know having one extra person isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t really about the food or having enough chairs. I just feel like he’s made a decision that affects all of us and told me afterwards as though it’s already settled.

When I said I wasn’t comfortable with it he got quite annoyed and said I was being petty and making something nice into an issue. He said it was for the children. I said that I wasn’t stopping his girls seeing their mum. They could see her earlier in the day or he could take them to see her, or she could come over for a bit. I just hadn’t agreed to having her here for the whole dinner.

He then said it would be awkward if she only came for an hour and that the girls wanted her there. I do get that. They are old enough to understand their parents aren’t together but obviously it would be nice for them to have a Christmas where everyone can be in the same room and get along. I am not trying to make things difficult for them.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong either. We are civil when we see each other but we aren’t friends and we don’t socialise together. She’s never been rude to me and I have no reason to think anything is going on between them. They were married for a long time and have children together so obviously they will always have a connection. I’m not asking him to cut her out of their lives.

It is just that he does sometimes agree to things with her or the girls and then tell me afterwards. Usually it’s small things and I let it go, but this feels different because Christmas dinner is happening in our house and I’m the one who will be getting everything ready. I feel like if I had invited my ex to spend the day with us without discussing it with him, DP would have something to say about that.

My sister thinks he should have asked me first but says now that the girls are excited I should probably just let it happen. My friend says she wouldn’t have her partner’s ex wife sitting at her Christmas table at all, but I think that’s a bit harsh when she’s recently split up and would be alone otherwise.

I haven’t told DP she can’t come. I just said I wasn’t happy that he had invited her without even asking me, and now he’s acting like I’ve got a problem with his ex when that’s not what I said.

AIBU to think he should have spoken to me before inviting her, or am I making too much of it and should just get on with Christmas?

So you don’t even think he needs to have asked OP, just mentioned it? Even though OP is doing the organising and the work?

Mentioned that he thought it would be nice to ask his Ex, yes.
Asked OP's permission to invite a guest to Christmas in their shared home, no.

The fact OP is doing all of the organising and the work is a separate issue and honestly it sounded like OP was ok with doing this IMHO, until the ex was invited.
If that's the issue, that he needs to help more, then address that!

OP doesnt "own" Christmas, even if she is doing all the work! Her DP including their children's other parent is incredibly kind and thoughtful.

It sounds like there is underlying resentment here OP & person who challenged me? - is that your ex would never be so kind to you? Was it that him not asking your permission feels like he didnt even think that you might be upset, because to him there is no bad feelings and to him he may think its obvious that he loves you, and lives with you? Are you worried she'll be judging you somehow?
I think there are probably some underlying worries here tbh.

So you would be fine with your husband inviting his ex wife to Christmas Day dinner without asking you?

Seriously?

If i was married (Im not and neither is OP) and there was no animosity between them, nor between her and me, and I was secure in our relationship then yes id have no problem with it. In fact I'd probably have suggested it myself and be relieved he'd thought to ask cause id probably have forgotten to ask him!

However if there is underlying jealousy or bitterness, then no I wouldn't be happy, but OP said that's not the case. Everyone saying he is out of order seems to be assuming this means he's asked because he cares more about exW than OP, but i dont see it like that, I see it as he's prioritising his kids. And I was brought up with the idea that Christmas is all about kids. I still believe that now!

You’re not married and he still thinks of his ex as family. Sorry OP but this man is not committed to you

Do you see all the ifs in your post?

It’s easy for you to say you would be fine with it because you’re not in this situation, OP is.

You are yet another person suggesting that OP’s feelings don’t matter, only the children and ex wife’s do.

I actually invited DH ex when she was going to be on her own and I didn't regret it. She had the decency just to come for some of the day but it felt like the right thing to do

If i was married (Im not and neither is OP) and there was no animosity between them, nor between her and me, and I was secure in our relationship then yes id have no problem with it. In fact I'd probably have suggested it myself and be relieved he'd thought to ask cause id probably have forgotten to ask him!

However if there is underlying jealousy or bitterness, then no I wouldn't be happy, but OP said that's not the case. Everyone saying he is out of order seems to be assuming this means he's asked because he cares more about exW than OP, but i dont see it like that, I see it as he's prioritising his kids. And I was brought up with the idea that Christmas is all about kids. I still believe that now!

Invite your ex too. Or rent an actor. Please do this. I will pay.

Mentioned that he thought it would be nice to ask his Ex, yes.
Asked OP's permission to invite a guest to Christmas in their shared home, no.

The fact OP is doing all of the organising and the work is a separate issue and honestly it sounded like OP was ok with doing this IMHO, until the ex was invited.
If that's the issue, that he needs to help more, then address that!

OP doesnt "own" Christmas, even if she is doing all the work! Her DP including their children's other parent is incredibly kind and thoughtful.

It sounds like there is underlying resentment here OP & person who challenged me? - is that your ex would never be so kind to you? Was it that him not asking your permission feels like he didnt even think that you might be upset, because to him there is no bad feelings and to him he may think its obvious that he loves you, and lives with you? Are you worried she'll be judging you somehow?
I think there are probably some underlying worries here tbh.

Excellent approach. Did he disinvite them?

I haven't RTFT. I'm sure lots of posters are jumping to ending your relationship.

Christmas is about charity and reaching out to people who have less than you do, and not just in terms of money. Be grateful that you are with a kindhearted man who wouldn't see someone he once loved and who is the mother of his children alone at Christmas, while he has a lovely time with his loved ones. And the children are so happy. Such a Christmas will be something they'll remember when their parents are long gone. If him and her wanted to be together, they would be. No good marriage ends in divorce. Now, pull up your big-girl pants and be an adult about this. Welcome her warmly and with grace. You would want the same in her shoes.

I do think he should have discussed it with you, but perhaps he didn't because he thought you would say no.

P.S. As a gracious and charitable host, you should reach out to her, soon, by text or email, to reiterate the invitation, so that she knows she is welcome. Say that you are excited to have her over and that the children can't wait. Ask if she has any special dietary requirements and let her know what you'll be cooking.

This is what a person of quality does.

Its not completely out of the blue no, he’s done it before with smaller things, agreeing to things with his ex or the girls and then telling me afterwards as if its all sorted. Usually I’ve just let it go because its not been anything major and I dont want to make an issue out of everything.

I think thats why this has annoyed me more than it maybe would have otherwise. Its Christmas dinner and quite a bit of work for me and he didnt even think to ask. Then when I said I wasnt happy about it he made it about me being petty instead of actually listening to what I was saying. I wouldnt say we have massive rows all the time but he can be quite dismissive when I disagree with something he’s already decided.

We both moved into a new house together. I had a 3 bed when it was just me and my dc but we needed more space with his DDs staying over as well so we moved to a 4 bed. We both live here and its our home, its not like I’ve moved into his house and trying to tell him what he can do. Thats partly why I feel he should have discussed it with me first, its a decision that affects both of us.