DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

FFS. You could follow the advice on this thread, kick off, divorce, leave the house and take your DCs with you. LTB, etc etc even though most posters advocating it wouldn’t do that themselves and if they would, that’s why they’re divorced, single and bitter. Yeah, ruin your kids Christmas, get divorced, over a small issue. Such shit advice.

However back in the real world, life is often recognising that compromises have to be made and it’s not just about you.
I would see this as a good thing to do for someone who would otherwise be sat alone on Xmas day meaning that your SDCs wouldn’t be worrying about their mum. You’ve already got a full house, so really one more won’t matter? I personally wouldn’t have a problem with it.

He's obviously still in love with her because no fecking reasonable adult would do this. Really, they wouldn't- both by inviting her AND not even asking you!

You seem a bit too sanguine about this obviously majorly cheeky fecker situation. That's odd in itself.

Is your relationship the result of an affair?

He married, you single?
Thats why you have no hard feelings towards her?

Well played to her if it is, exploiting his guilt like this and/or the fact that he's still in love with her.

So there you have it.
He's still in love with her or he's guilty. Or both.

I don't believe that anyone is as easy going about this that they need to ask mn for an answer unless something has been omitted from the OP.

You have got to be joking. 😂

Nobody but nobody is stupid enough to invite their ex round for Christmas dinner unless they're guilty about an affair, still in love with them or both.

The not telling her is purely to eliminate the chance of her refusing.
Fait accompli.
Of course she's got to leave.
He's still in love with his ex-w or if his relationship with the OP is the result of him cheating the ex will be gleefully ruining things for them out of revenge.

I share Christmas with my ex who I divorced 25 years ago, and then I remarried. - ex is not my family of course, any more, but he’s the father of my adult children. . We’re just friends now. 👍

Getting on well after divorce doesn’t always mean anything dodgy is going on.

@IcyPortal having the ex there wouldn't bother me but the not asking would.

And now its not fair if his kids have both parents there and yours don't, so its only fair to now invite your ex too.

Just make a list that everything that needs doing and tell him his tasks.

What are you annoyed about, the fact he didnt ask you first? YANBU.

or, because its his ex wife. YABU.

Has anybody mentioned the inherent awkwardness of this situation even IF the OP was tickety boo with it all?

Because even if if she were, at least one of the 'love triangle' is going to find it awkward as fuck. Or quietly upset by it.
Maybe the OP here is getting the shitty end of the stick.

(Love triangle is in inverted commas because it saves me typing the relationship status of all 3 adults not because there's an ongoing affair here.)

It doesn’t have to be awkward.

He should have asked first and he should be making way more of an effort to help out. Why is he not?

I don't think it means he's still in love with his ex, it's probably more that he thinks his kids won't enjoy Xmas as much if they are feeling guilty about their mum being on her own & he wants to avoid that.

I think you are being very generous and kind to agree to her coming along & it could be the start of a new family tradition - but your DP needs to understand that he has to seek your views and opinions on stuff like this before he acts.

I would think the person who it might be
awkward for is the ex wife - newly single, coming on her own into the OP's home & family.

Is he always this dismissive of your feelings? Are you sure this is the right relationship for you?

In the real world, it probably will be.

I don't believe for one second that all 3 people involved here are all going to be happy about this.

Not for one second.

Nothing to do with gender, either, if the genders were reversed here I'd be on the guy's side.
Poor bastard. His DP is still in love with her ex-dh I'd think.

There's also one hell of a difference between attending events where your ex will understandably also be present and hosting them yourself.

One hell of a difference.

She's agreed to it when it would be very easy to get out of it. Very easy.

The OP is being made an absolute fool out of here. It's obvious.

I'd say the same if all genders were reversed.

He didn’t ask you first. That’s very poor behaviour. But what is worse is making your reaction the problem, like he hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s done on the attack and so you must have a problem with his ex wife or want her to be on her own or not want his children to be happy. Talk about twisting things so that you are the problem. This is bigger than who is peeling the potatoes.

Personally I wouldn’t accept it. It has been done in such a way you have no say as you would be disappointing his kids and ruining Xmas. I would not try to recind the invitation for this reason. I would ask my sister if there were any way I and my kids could come to her house instead and beg her help. If not, I’d even go as far as offering to pay for all of us (my and sister family) to have Xmas lunch in a restaurant instead (I appreciate not everyone could afford this option). He can cook for his family and guests. He has presented a nice fait accomplis where the workload and sacrifice all falls on you. No. On principle. Next time he’ll ask! I suspect though, faced with this, he will likely recind the invitation himself.

I don't think she's being made a fool of at all.
She says she gets on with the ex wife and it doesn't seem to be her presence that is the problem here, more the DP not asking her opinion on it first.

It demonstrates something very powerful to all the children involved - that it's possible to be amicable & friendly after a significant relationship ends. I think that is a great life lesson for them.

But the OP needs to have a frank discussion with her DP about his lack of consideration and communication. That's the issue here, not whether the ex wife comes to Xmas dinner or not.

If my DP did this he would swiftly find he was no longer my DP and organising Christmas himself. Maybe that’s coloured by the fact that his ex has literally been harassing me to the point she’s been banned from my workplace, but it’s also because Christmas and my home are my places to relax and nobody wants to host an ex-wife unless they’re actually friends with them.

honestly I’d book a getaway (or a meal out) and take your daughters OR tell him to do the same with his ex-wife and daughters.

he certainly wouldn’t continue to be my partner after making it clear his first priority is his newly single ex.

Strongly disagree.

Though it is possible to be amicable and attend events where your ex is going to be, it's one step too far to expect your new dp to host them.

He should have checked with you before inviting her; I'm sure she assumed he did. Disinviting her would be a problem since the girls are excited about her being there, but the tricky part is that if you don't, you need another way to impress upon your husband that what he has done is not OK, and get him to commit to checking with you in future and actually consistently doing so. it's made much harder when sneaking has resulted in his getting his way, but if he's a decent guy you can still make the point and treat this as an exception. What worries me is that now that you've told him it's unacceptable he isn't apologising and reassuring you he'll treat you as a partner and equal in the future, he's trying to blame you rather than to see your point of view and compromise.

If you can manage having her this once, then I'd try again to speak with him when you both have time and privacy and explain what the issue is and that she comes on condition that he agrees that his unilaterally making decisions like this stops now. If he's still an arse during that discussion, then you have a much bigger issue. (Oh, and given that you have to work and he's invited an extra person, perhaps he takes on a little more than his half of the prep work and holiday celebration grunt work this year!)

”I wouldnt say we have massive rows all the time but he can be quite dismissive when I disagree with something he’s already decided.”

With this and you doing everything to host at Christmas despite working, his behaviour is giving Handmaid’s Tale vibes. And it sounds more than dismissive- Darvo and name-calling.

What do you children really think of him? Is he consistently kind and fair to them?

What is the thing about being the host?

Personally I would prefer to be the host in this situation than the person attending.

Also, no relationship is perfect, but in a world where you and your DP are role modelling a relationship to four children, is there behaviour that you wouldn’t want them to accept in their own future relationships?

He should've spoken to you but I always have my kids' dad from Christmas Eve until Boxing Day, along with my dad and a few friends. Kids love it and everyone gets along now.

The whole thing is batshit. You don’t invite your ex partner to something your current partner is hosting without asking unless you don’t give a shit about them.

My partner doesn't make decisions concerning us or what happens in our house without discussing it with me and vice versa. It's just basic respect and courtesy.

And if you don't have that, I'm not sure that's a healthy relationship.