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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you help in these circumstances

255 replies

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:14

Friend did a massive favour for me a while back. It didn’t cost them anything, but it saved me thousands. At the time we didn’t have much so I bought a small gift as thanks.

They recently asked me to lend them a significant sum of money, repaying over a long time period. It’s a lot, more than we‘d want to give away, but we could afford to lose the sum now if it came to it. I don’t want to mix friendship and money but I want to help. It’s for a nice to have rather than for something essential.

Would you lend them the money? Curious as I know the general advice here is not to.

OP posts:
JulietOscarBoring · Yesterday 16:33

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:27

Amount is about half or two thirds of what we saved because of friend.

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In that case I think in your shoes I would lend it. Even if they didn't pay it back, you have still gained from their help. Hopefully they will pay it back though.

Laura95167 · Yesterday 16:39

No I wouldnt, id tell them I couldnt afford it.

If someone does something nice, its nice to help out if tou can it doesnt mean they have a free pass to an unreasonable amount of your money. Because tbh if the bank wont trust them to repay it you probably shouldnt either

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 16:41

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 16:19

*thread’s- the apostrophe replaces the i
Spelling/grammar/general decorum thread’s maybe for you 🤌🏻

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Come again?

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 16:42

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 16:11

Probably read too many thread here warning off lending. 😂 I don’t have anyone else to talk it through with, though it’s hard not being able to give details. I would like to discuss with DH but he’s busy and he just said yes.

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Oh don’t go by Mumsnet and their “friendships”

Freshrain · Yesterday 16:42

Opheliamay · Yesterday 15:17

No. If it’s not essential. If it were life saving surgery, or she can’t get her kids to school and desperately needs a car - might think about it. But never a significant amount of money for something that is just a nice to have.

Why doesn’t she just get a loan from the bank? Has she been refused a loan? If so you should think about why.

I agree with this.

Overall, it is best not to lend money to anyone whose friendship you value. Far too much at risk if it goes wrong.

If - as per example, they needed a car and I could afford to help them, I would give it as a gift, and let them decide as and when they could pay it back, but only if I could afford to be without that money. The issue here though is that they don't 'need' it. you've said it is for a "nice to have" rather than something essential though, so I wouldn't offer for that.

I agree with others that them saving you money with a favour previously isn't relevant. I'm assuming something like professional advice which didn't really cost them anything, even though it obviously benefitted you. It is completely different from you potentially losing what you call 'a significant amount of money' , or 2/3 of your savings and investments.

BandyUrnham · Yesterday 16:46

I have to a family member. Not a life-changing amount but equivalent to 5 figures today.
I didn't get a penny back. (I had strongly suspected I wouldn't)

You will lose the money and the friendship or open the door to more requests.

Ohnobackagain · Yesterday 16:47

Absolutely not @Mamma1383838

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 16:48

Freshrain · Yesterday 16:42

I agree with this.

Overall, it is best not to lend money to anyone whose friendship you value. Far too much at risk if it goes wrong.

If - as per example, they needed a car and I could afford to help them, I would give it as a gift, and let them decide as and when they could pay it back, but only if I could afford to be without that money. The issue here though is that they don't 'need' it. you've said it is for a "nice to have" rather than something essential though, so I wouldn't offer for that.

I agree with others that them saving you money with a favour previously isn't relevant. I'm assuming something like professional advice which didn't really cost them anything, even though it obviously benefitted you. It is completely different from you potentially losing what you call 'a significant amount of money' , or 2/3 of your savings and investments.

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It was more than a one off favour. To take your example, it would be like if they gave me free professional advice out of their own time for a fixed number of years.

To answer other questions, if it wasn’t for them we would have managed but we would have had to spend a large sum of money to sort the issue. And the sum we saved because of them is larger than the sum they are asking for.

OP posts:
Wadsworthy · Yesterday 16:48

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:27

Amount is about half or two thirds of what we saved because of friend.

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Did your friend lend you cash?

I think there’s a difference between lending cash, and simply saving money (ie not forking out the hard stuff).

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 16:49

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 16:48

It was more than a one off favour. To take your example, it would be like if they gave me free professional advice out of their own time for a fixed number of years.

To answer other questions, if it wasn’t for them we would have managed but we would have had to spend a large sum of money to sort the issue. And the sum we saved because of them is larger than the sum they are asking for.

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Every single post from you from start to finish is supporting lending her the money. Clearly posters are split. You won’t get clarity. So assess your own circumstances and relationship and make the call

exhausted100 · Yesterday 16:50

No def not.

TwinklyAmberSloth · Yesterday 16:51

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:42

Yes, true, the cost to them for the favour was probably small. The cost to us for lending the money is not big, but it’s a substantial amount itself. It we lose it it takes away from DC ultimately.

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And the friendship would be lost...

The fact this friend saved you £1000s previously is the only thing here that is making me actually sway towards helping them. Normally I'd be a straight NO on things like this!

What is the risk like? e.g. is the money for something that is a bit of a gamble (e.g. a business) or something that will depreciate in value (e.g. a car), or would it be lending and the repayments plus interest are affordable, and the lent money would become an asset of theirs (e.g. buying a house)?

ParkFirstDesk · Yesterday 16:56

boxofshite · Yesterday 15:19

I probably would since they saved you lots of money

Well it sounds as if she might lose the money she saved.

TheThirteenthFairy · Yesterday 17:01

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DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 17:04

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Gateappreciation · Yesterday 17:05

No.

Why are they asking you? Why can’t they get the money from the bank? Is it essential or urgent? Do you consider it a good use of the money? Also, how do they know whether you have this money or not? Also, Do they think you owe them, and/ or how did the first favour come about ( did you ask them or did they offer?)?

Sorry for all the questions, but the answer would still be no. Just go back and say you’re not in a position to help them/ your savings are tied up in pensions etc.

RosaNovella · Yesterday 17:06

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 16:48

It was more than a one off favour. To take your example, it would be like if they gave me free professional advice out of their own time for a fixed number of years.

To answer other questions, if it wasn’t for them we would have managed but we would have had to spend a large sum of money to sort the issue. And the sum we saved because of them is larger than the sum they are asking for.

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You are not a bank Op
They cant call in favours because...

Never lend money, it causes all sorts of odd feelings and can end relationships

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 17:07

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 16:41

Come again?

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You know what I mean, have a nice evening ✌🏻

cartagenagina · Yesterday 17:08

I wouldn’t, no.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · Yesterday 17:10

Is there an expectation from them that you do this?

Daisymail · Yesterday 17:10

It sounds as if they gave you legal advice free of charge or provided trade work at a greatly reduced cost?

Neither are comparable to asking you for a cash loan.

I couldn't risk not getting my money back but you appear to have a very cavalier attitude around this (lucky you). Not sure why you posted when you have clearly made your decision.

Littlebitpsycho · Yesterday 17:12

Poll is unclear - i put YABU to lend the money, don't do it

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 17:13

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 17:07

You know what I mean, have a nice evening ✌🏻

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I don’t. And I suspect you don’t either 👋

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 17:15

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 16:19

*thread’s- the apostrophe replaces the i
Spelling/grammar/general decorum thread’s maybe for you 🤌🏻

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This makes absolutely no sense

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 17:16

NoCommentingFromNowOn · Yesterday 17:10

Is there an expectation from them that you do this?

No, they said I could say no and it would be fine, but I would feel bad when we could easily help.

We’ve done a few favours for each other over the years, but friend’s favour was one that really gave us peace of mind over an issue and the money saved was a bonus.

OP posts: