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Original poster

Would you help in these circumstances

255 replies

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:14

Friend did a massive favour for me a while back. It didn’t cost them anything, but it saved me thousands. At the time we didn’t have much so I bought a small gift as thanks.

They recently asked me to lend them a significant sum of money, repaying over a long time period. It’s a lot, more than we‘d want to give away, but we could afford to lose the sum now if it came to it. I don’t want to mix friendship and money but I want to help. It’s for a nice to have rather than for something essential.

Would you lend them the money? Curious as I know the general advice here is not to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:34

Namenamchange · Yesterday 15:29

if your friend hadn’t been able to help you, would you have had to have found the thousands to fix the problem? Or would you just not have gone ahead, or found an alternative?

if yes, then I think you should lend them the money.

I should add, I lent a friend money, never got it back, and lost the friendship.

Edited

Hmmm - we did have the resources to sort the issue ourselves but it would have been very complicated. Friend gave us peace of mind so there was no problem to worry about, and it saved us a lot of money at the same time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:36

Tryingtothinkofausername · Yesterday 15:33

The OP is saying they could afford to lose the money if it wasn't paid back though. It can't be impactful.

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Yes that’s right. It would be upsetting to lose that sum of money but not impactful. It would otherwise go into long term savings for kids.

OP posts:
catzrulz · Yesterday 15:39

As mentioned up thread, get it in writing what the payment plan would be and over how long.
It's totally different gifting "time" to help you out previously than lending cold, hard cash.

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:40

MadeForThis · Yesterday 15:34

Would you like to lose her as a friend if she didn’t pay it back as planned?

I would be gutted about losing the friendship,
more than the money. But they have a lot of integrity and I trust that they would do everything to pay us back, even if it was a nominal amount a month.

I’m sure people are asking why bother to post then. I just need to think/talk it through.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:42

catzrulz · Yesterday 15:39

As mentioned up thread, get it in writing what the payment plan would be and over how long.
It's totally different gifting "time" to help you out previously than lending cold, hard cash.

Yes, true, the cost to them for the favour was probably small. The cost to us for lending the money is not big, but it’s a substantial amount itself. It we lose it it takes away from DC ultimately.

OP posts:
Keepitsimples · Yesterday 15:44

This is for you and your husband to decide on the basis of affordability and the intricacies of your relationship. Neither of which is possible to fully convey here.

So just have a coffee with your DH, decide, update friend

parietal · Yesterday 15:44

I’d lend with a written agreement and repayment plan. I’d want to be confident they could repay and on a short timescale (1-2 years).

If you can afford the loan and can afford the loss if they fail to pay, then it would be a kindness to help.

DozyCrow · Yesterday 15:45

It's a tricky one. It's lovely that she saved you thousands, but it kind of takes away from that if she now wants you to lend her the money. How would it affect the friendship if you said no?

If you're comfortable enough off to be able to lend it and not suffer if it's not repaid, and can wait the long time suggested to potentially get it back, then I would consider it if this is a very good, long time friend. However, I'd get the loan amount and repayment terms in writing as security. Be upfront that this is money for your kids' future and she will be taking from them if she doesn't pay it back.

patrick89423 · Yesterday 15:47

If you trust the friend then get it all written down and signed. Document can be referred back to later and avoids confusion. If being paid back monthly then ask for it to be by standing order so no chasing / forgetting.

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 15:48

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 15:28

Tell us about the length and trust and quality of the friendship. Because Mumsnet friendships often tend to be more like enemies

Weird.

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 15:49

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 15:48

Weird.

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I don’t think this is a thread for you if you think this is a “rich person’s problem”

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 16:00

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 15:49

I don’t think this is a thread for you if you think this is a “rich person’s problem”

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Ok I’ll definitely leave now you’ve said that 😂😂

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 16:01

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 16:00

Ok I’ll definitely leave now you’ve said that 😂😂

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Good shout.

Cost of living threads maybe for you

Wellretired · Yesterday 16:02

I think one of the questions is, as others have said, why does she want to borrow from you rather than eg a bank, and what is it for. It seems that she sees it as interest free rather than what ti would cost them to borrow with interest. If you lend it, be prepared to lose it - they might pay it back but that partially depends on why they need to borrow it in the first place. You could do a simple loan agreement, I've done that in the past.

Meadowfinch · Yesterday 16:04

I'd lend (give) it to my child, and I have in the past lent multiple ,000s to a sibling.

Otherwise, no.

AvidMauveCrab · Yesterday 16:07

Given you say you can afford to lose this money, I’d be more concerned about the impact on your friendship IF they didn’t repay you. How do you think you’d feel and what would happen if they didn’t keep up the repayments and ghosted you? If you’d be happy to lose the money and wouldn’t be in the slightest bit disappointed in your friend if they didn’t repay you then go ahead.

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 16:08

Wellretired · Yesterday 16:02

I think one of the questions is, as others have said, why does she want to borrow from you rather than eg a bank, and what is it for. It seems that she sees it as interest free rather than what ti would cost them to borrow with interest. If you lend it, be prepared to lose it - they might pay it back but that partially depends on why they need to borrow it in the first place. You could do a simple loan agreement, I've done that in the past.

They offered acceptable repayment terms with interest. I think a bank’s terms would be much worse.

OP posts:
gamerchick · Yesterday 16:09

How much do they want?

The problem is you're not on the hook to them because they helped you and the fact they're asking you for a chunk or change for a want, means they've exhausted every other money flow they have. Hence th repayment terms.

You will not be paid back OP.

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 16:09

gamerchick · Yesterday 16:09

How much do they want?

The problem is you're not on the hook to them because they helped you and the fact they're asking you for a chunk or change for a want, means they've exhausted every other money flow they have. Hence th repayment terms.

You will not be paid back OP.

You need better friends @gamerchick

alcovecupboards · Yesterday 16:09

I'd lend it - but wouldn't take interest.

OrdinaryGirl · Yesterday 16:09

This is where personal policies come in handy. ‘So sorry, I have a policy of not lending to friends because I’ve been burnt in the past and it negatively affected the friendship’ is easier to communicate than ‘I don’t want to lend money to you’.

I think your friend has made it awkward, and you are now having to manage an awkward situation not of your own making. Especially given that the money is for a ‘nice to have’. It’s something I would never personally do, (ask for the loan, I mean) because of the effect on the dynamics of the friendship and the potential for it to go really badly wrong.

Coconutter24 · Yesterday 16:10

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:26

There’s a time limit on the nice to have. We can afford to lend/lose and still have other nice to haves (we are lucky I know). DH is normally super cautious about money and he is about to indulge in a rare expensive purchase, and he’s still open to lending it because he trusts my friend.

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So you want to help and your DH is open to lending the money, so if you’re both happy to lend it then why don’t you?

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 16:10

alcovecupboards · Yesterday 16:09

I'd lend it - but wouldn't take interest.

Oh heavens this… no way interest!!

NoCommentingFromNowOn · Yesterday 16:10

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 16:01

Good shout.

Cost of living threads maybe for you

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”Cost of living threads maybe for you”

You may be right, but that was a low and unnecessary comment to make.

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 16:11

NoCommentingFromNowOn · Yesterday 16:10

”Cost of living threads maybe for you”

You may be right, but that was a low and unnecessary comment to make.

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You did see that poster’s first response?

if you wade in with something as dismissive as that, prepared to be signposted to a thread that you can’t dismiss as such