Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

I have autism myself OP, but I do sympathize with you.

Can you make it a girls only party?

You can’t exclude one child from a whole class party. Either invite him or just invite the girls

I disagree I'm a mother of an adopted child with some quite severe behavioural issues..I decline party invites. He doesn't cope it's that simple. I also don't think it's fair for one kid to ruin anything whatever their additional need is. Just don't invite him. Let the mum know if she asks that you think he doesn't cope. If my son asks why I've not taken him to parties I point out the way he has previously behaved at them. That's his learning curve. It should not be at the expense of the other kids.

You can’t leave one child out, so invite half the class or just the girls. If you invite the whole class and the little boy becomes overwhelmed and causes ructions, be prepared to say to his parents that perhaps he might like to sit inside for a while and watch tv/play with some toys or he might be more comfortable if they brought him home as he’s clearly overwhelmed and stressed.

My son is an adult now but has asd. While he was never violent he couldn't cope with bouncy castle parties. So as a responsible parent I wouldn't take him to them. For his sake and for others. I wish people would stop with the narrative that everyone has to just deal with these behaviours. They don't! It's not fun for anyone including the ND child.

If someone insists on taking their child to any event, asd or not and they start kicking off they should remove them and leave. It's clear they're over stimulated. That goes for any child tbh.

In an ideal world it's best he doesn't go so I can see why you don't want to invite him. The parents are the problem here.

You do what you have to do. Your daughter is the priority. People don't like to hear this but it's a hill I will die on. And this is coming from a mother of 2 nurodiverse children, with a family full of ND people.

Parents need to learn what's appropriate in these circumstances.

I don't understand why people think this. If the kid isn't excluded then he and his mum will never learn. He needs to behave more acceptably at social events or not get invited.

I agree with pp, the only way to get round this would be to make it just the girls, or, limit it to 10 (or similar small number) children and make it clear on the invitation that the numbers have had to be limited. Whole class parties tend to stop happening once you get past nursery and reception and 30 children in one place is hard work.
It is sad for the child in this scenario, but his mother is not helping. Also, a big noisy crowd of kids is obviously distressing for him.

Well surely it's easy
Scrap the plan of a whole class party and only invite her closer friends

Call the mum. Explain that he can come if she is on him like glue and at the first sign of anything you will ask them both to leave.

Be firm. Tell her the last party was ruined and you don't want that for your DDs party, but that you also want to give him a chance to learn how to behave in social situations. Be kind. Be clear. Be very firm.

You could be describing my autistic child (though hope as parents we manage this better) - we wouldn't want to put him in situations where he becomes this disregulated, so would prefer he wasn't at whole class party where he would struggle like you've described.

Don't invite him.

You just leave him out.

You can't have a child behaving like that at a party especially if the parent can't be trusted to parent. It's simply not safe.

Id have no issues excluding any children who'd be like this. You shouldn't have to change your daughters whole party for him.

Are you worried that being a single dad is going to change how this is perceived by the family of the child you don't want to invite?

If anything as a man you would probably get more leeway and be seen less negatively than a single mum deciding to do the same. Men seem to get more permission from society to not always 'be kind'.

this attitude is why this type of thing is still a problem.

It is possible to point out to this child's parents that his behaviour is ruining many other children's parties. If a child wants a whole class party, they should be able to have that without the child of ineffective parents ruining it.

The key is being kind, offer it as being supportive to helping them get him used to this, while preserving the happy integrity of your child's party.

If we pussy-foot around making compromises (just girls? wtf? my DCs had - and still have - friends of both sexes.) Making it "all girl" just so some ineffective mum doesn't get miffed? would have really really annoyed them. If you are a parent of a disruptive child: step in and parent.

Because leaving one child out is hurtful and not nice. Though the OP could write a note or phone the parent and be upfront and say that he noticed her boy became overwhelmed at another party recently and while he’s welcome to come along to this party, they might like to consider if it would be suitable as there will be loud noise at times, there will be a bouncy castle and music and you don’t want your daughter’s party to be upset and if he becomes overwhelmed, they will need to take him home immediately. Then you won’t have excluded anyone and will have been upfront and everyone knows where they stand.

This is the best advice IMO.

Usually I would say it's not really OK to have a whole class party and exclude one child but I think if a child has been violent to yours and can't cope with parties anyway then that might be the exception. However parties are much nicer with 10-15 children than 30 anyway IMO. Why not just invite her actual friends?

I wouldn’t invite him but I would explain to the mum before giving out the invitations that you have seen that he becomes overwhelmed so will do him a party bag instead.

I have a now adult dc with Asd and parties were a nightmare for all involved so we learned to either only stay for a short period or not go at all.

You are overthinking this. If you don't want this child-or any child-at your daughter's party, you are not obliged to invite him.

I have a child with autism and understand how hard it can be - mine heavily masks so is rarely an issue in these situations but has friends who experience dysregulation at parties etc.

If you want to address it head on, I would send a message to this effect:

‘I know parties can be overwhelming and chaotic - at the last party, I noticed he got really overwhelmed, which led to a difficult situation for him and the other kids enjoying the party. I want to make sure he feels safe and supported this time and that the party can go ahead as planned without significant disruption. Can we do something together to help him have a good time - would it help if we set up a quiet space or maybe had him come for just a specific part of the party?’

Completely understandable if you don’t want to make adjustments (if not, invite half the class or less so you’re not specifically leaving him out).

Didn’t see your message as I was typing mine. This exactly, upfront.

Nah this advice of asking them to leave won't work and you'll still spend the party panicking. Imagine when the kid plays up and the mum pretends she doesn't see it and then you've got to ask her to leave. The kid will refuse to leave and the mum won't march him out. Will still be the same end result.

Well you’ve got good advice here, no-one is saying just invite him and to hell with the consequences. I hope your DD has a super party.