Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

My daughter doesnt open very well with big groups. She would struggle to regulate at a party with 20 kids. If your daughter actually likes the child maybe they could do a 1:1 play date on another day. We only do small group things now and keep it to 1 1/2. 1 1/2 is the sweet spot where everyone leaves happy and wanting more.

I think your message us perfectly reasonable. However, I imagine she will feel hurt and excluded. Her feelings are hers to manage. Id have a response ready ie I understand that you feel hurt and sad for Charlie. I have to prioritise my child and her happiness on her birthday.

This is great, but it's coming from you as his parent... OP isn't this child's parent. It's a bit more awkward to tell another child's parent that you're not including them, if that parent thinks they should be.

it’s tough but his mum isn’t looking after him properly. Well done for centring your daughter on her birthday.

oh dear. My adult son has ASD and ADHD. This type of party was difficult. He didn't get violent, he just got very hyper.

Having ASD exlains these behaviours but it doesn't excuse it. The parents of this lad are not helping him.

Invite all the girls and a couple of the boys your daughter particularly wants to be there.

I wouldn't send this. The reality is he isnt invited because his parent is letting him destroy another child's party and hurt other kids. They are not stopping them. The child isnt imvited because they are violent towards your daughter. The mother knows her childs behaviour is awful but expects everyone else to tolerate it because he is autistic. This message will not go down well. I am saying this as the parent of an autistic/adhd child. I wouldnt have tolerate this behaviour from him but know parents who do. They arre all muchd older now and the parents still dont understand why nobody can stand their child and they have no friends. If you have decided not to invite just that child the mum will probably contact you anyway. If she asks tell her straight that her son violently attacks your daughter and you do not want your daughter growing up thinking its okay for boys to hit her so he isnt invited. Also tell her he ruined other kids birthday and guve examples then tell her you dont want that at your dds party.

Difficult to do a whole class party without 1, especially as it sounds like everyone else has still invited him to theirs. Personally as a parent of a child who would behaviour similar to this, I would either not come or leave early and definitely as soon as any hitting or destructive behaviour started.

A message like this is worse than saying nothing. Don't send it.

As others have said, I would invite a smaller number, or maybe invite the girls and just a couple of boys that your daughter really wants there.

Absolutely do not ring her. How inappropriate.

As others have said just invite a few kids not all of them. Obviously tbh.

Your priority is your daughter’s happiness. I simply wouldn’t invite him. It’s not your job to manage this boy or his mums feelings about not being included. He has been violent towards your daughter and that’s not acceptable so why would you consider including him. Have your reasons ready if you are challenged. I wouldn’t send the message in advance.

Do not send that. Who do you think you are?

How about inviting all the girls plus the boy who is your DD's best friend plus one other boy (so that the boy who is the best friend doesn't feel the odd one out)?

I wouldn't send this as you are overstepping the mark to imply that you are in a position to determine what he struggles with and what he doesn't struggle with. You are not his parent. You dont understand his disability.

The violence towards your daughter is the reason he is not invited. Her comfort is your priority.

If you must send her a message

"I have decided not to invite Charlie as he sometimes hits Ellie and I dont want her having this fear on her birthday."

Agreed.

OP you really don't need to ring her, message her, or anything else. It's inappropriate and will be more hurtful!

This mum clearly knows that her kid struggles. Ringing up to point out the obvious and tell her that her kid is excluded is not going to go down well.

Just invite fewer children and make it so he's not the only one excluded.

Ah man, this is such a struggle and kudos on you to approach it so directly and kindly. I think it’s always best to man up to the decision and let the mum know it advance rather than just not inviting and staying quiet, that could be even more hurtful.

It’s your girl’s party and that’s what matters. I am a major people pleaser and would probably offer to have them over for a 1-1 play date too, but then again that is probably not you want either.

You've made it clear he has behavioural issues. I don't think one person has suggested you invite him.
Just don't make him the only exclusion.

Honestly she’s going to be upset either way so if sending the message makes you feel a bit better about it because you’ve at least explained it then I would go for it.

It is a difficult one but this is your daughter’s party and she deserves to have a nice time. It’s very sad for the parent of this other boy, but that’s not your daughter’s job to make better.

You can’t exclude one child out of a whole class because he has a disability. Well you can, but it would be fucking awful cunty behaviour.

You don't have to explain it to her though. She knows.

I’ll never forget when my dd was at nursery she got invited to her classmate’s birthday party and I get his mum just wanted to do something nice for him and make him feel like any other child but he had severe autism and on the day he was sat in the middle of the floor rocking with his hands over his ears clearly in distress. I felt so sorry for him and her as she just wanted him to have a lovely time.

I don’t know whether I’d actually do this myself - I guess it depends on the parents and how I think they might respond - but to be proactive about it I guess you could speak to his mother privately. “I just want to give you a heads up about what to expect at the party because I know Sonny has ASD and sometimes struggles at parties so I wondered whether I could anything to accommodate his needs a bit better?”

If the conversation continues positively, it’s a chance to (1) genuinely make adjustments that may help him (2) reiterate to her what the environment will he like and ask, do you think he’d be ok/ happy to come?. I think you’d have to be genuinely happy to make some adjustments but also need to be clear, eg there will be music and he won’t be allowed to control it himself but I can have music off for party games to give a bit of a break or maximum volume of x, or whatever.

before hitting send on this I realised a few other PP with a similar suggestion. So it’s a cross post I suppose but also another vote for this proactive and clear approach. Good luck

Well you aren't saying that though! You haven't mentioned the violence. Does she even know he hits her??

You are saying he struggles to make it sound like you feel sorry for his sound overstimulation. That's not the case.