Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

He is being excluded because his disability makes his behaviour challenging, his mum might be doing the best she can or maybe she isn’t, either way it’s not the child’s fault and punishing him this way is cruel.

He's not being excluded because he has a disability. He is being excluded because he hurts others, including and most importantly the birthday girl. He is being excluded because his Mum doesn't manage his behaviour.
I don't agree that others should also be excluded to soften the blow, because that is unfair and unkind to the other children.

Nah this advice of asking them to leave won't work and you'll still spend the party panicking. Imagine when the kid plays up and the mum pretends she doesn't see it and then you've got to ask her to leave. The kid will refuse to leave and the mum won't march him out. Will still be the same end result.

You’re ableist btw

I like the sound of your son!

Hello

I am a single dad with a 6 (almost 7) year-old daughter, and I am currently organizing her birthday party, a traditional party with a bouncy castle, inflatables etc.

The plan was for a whole class party, but I am very worried about one little boy who has autism. It sounds harsh, but he ruins every child's birthday he gets invited to the latest one was only a few weeks ago. He caused chaos and, honestly, the day was spoiled as he ended up upsetting a lot of the other children. He screamed around the whole place, demanding the music be stopped as he couldn't cope with it. He threw toys at people (breaking some of them), he hit other children and had a massive meltdown when the cake started to be cut as he wanted it to be whole, and when given a slice of cake, he proceeded to launch it across the room whilst also kicking one of the food tables, sending some of it flying

The parents of the birthday boy were understandably annoyed that the day was being ruined and the mother of the boy causing the issues doesn't deal with it very well. .Now to be fair, I can't imagine how difficult her daily life is dealing with this behavior, but she just has the belief that, as he has autism, we should be accepting of his issues and let it be, and she is very vocal that he should never be left out of something simply because he has auitms she will try and gently ask him to stop the behavior and when things get really bad she will try and hold him in one place for a moment, but that's pretty much it

Now I agree it is awful for the little boy, but he has been extremely violent towards my daughter on several occasions and I can't see the point of spending all this money on a birthday party just for him to have a chance to spoil yet another party, but I also don't think its fair not to throw my daughter a party because of one child now I will be printing off the invitations today ready to handed out on Monday and I don't what to do as excluding him seems cruel, but I don't see him behaving at my daughter's party any different than he has all the others, and I'm dreading another party full of injured crying and scared kids.

What would you do? Any advice on approaching the mum would also be appreciated, but I would say she's not all that open about discussing her son and just believes he should be at everything no matter the chaos it causes.

My son had ASD. He used to get invited to parties and could misbehave when overwhelmed. So when invited, I would say to the parents that he would come, but if he became overwhelmed or badly behaved, then we would leave immediately without fuss.
my son was also aware that if he misbehaved, we would leave immediately. He got angry with a child once and swore at them and presented himself to my mum who had taken him and told her she needed to take him home!

I support your decision @tomWh

He probably did and what's wrong with that? His instinct was to not invite the boy, he wanted to check whether he was being unreasonable, most people agreed with him, so he's gone ahead with his plan. Isn't that what most posters use AIBU for?

Ok but reading it all, I think op wanted pp to say, no to inviting the boy anyway. That's my perception anyway.

you can think that x or y course of action is best but still want to ask others or another if they have any other approaches. The OP made clear that that was why he was posting

This is the message I have typed to send (names have been changed). Does it sound okay? I was going to call but after seeing so many people saying text instead of call, I decided to do that.

Hi Katie

i am planning Ellie's 7th birthday party and invites will be handed out on Monday. I wanted to speak with you first to give you a heads-up that I have made the decision not to invite Charlie to the party after seeing how much he struggled at Max's birthday a few weeks ago. If you think Charlie would like a party bag and some cake, I am happy to arrange that. I hope you understand

Well, that will teach me to read the ops post in its entirety 🙄
Don't know why they posted anyway, seems they had their mind made up beforehand 🙄

But why any playdate at all? This boy is violent towards her. Do you really think it is a good message to teach a young girl that she should invite violent boys home and 'be kind'? Like I said, bonkers.

Too late unfortunately.