Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

Look there is no way I would invite a boy to my daughter’s party if he had been violent towards her in the past. What does that teach her about her own boundaries??

It strikes me that since the child evidently finds such events very stressful, and therefore can’t really enjoy them, there’s not much point in inviting him anyway.

Having said that, I wouldn’t normally leave any child out. My dd (long grown up now) used to insist on inviting the whole class, and I still remember the little boy - around 8 at the time - who said to her, ‘Thank you for inviting me to your party. Nobody else does.’ 😰

Don’t invite him and please don’t attempt any explanation with the mother. That will make matters far worse.

this. Your daughter deserves to have her birthday celebrated in peace

But it’s bit nice if one child is ruining parties for other children.

He has explained why he said it and to be honest knowing he is a single dad on a forum for mums is relevant information.

your response was just mean and snarky.

Exactly. Would you like to her tolerate abuse because the abuser has xyz condition?

This.

The child clearly can’t cope - at the moment. A responsible parent would recognise this and introduce their child gradually and remove them when it’s clear they are distressed or over stimulated.

YANBU not to invite him @tomWh It will spoil your DD’s birthday and also the child himself sounds distressed.

As the parent of an autistic child, I simply do not understand this other parent of the autistic boy. If you know something will be overstimulating, then you either don’t take them or you take them for an hour and leave at the first signs of being overwhelmed. You do not let them do what they did at that other child’s party.

I would be getting in touch with a compassionate but firm: ‘it’s clear your son was very overwhelmed and got very upset at XYZ at the other party. My daughter’s party will also have XYZ. Would it be best if he only comes for the first part so he’s less likely to be overwhelmed? Or perhaps best to sit this one out? Let me know what you think you and I can do to make Child more comfortable but it may be that it’s simply too much for him at the moment’

Pointlessly harsh and heavily projecting.

Dear OP,

I’m usually super keen on no one being excluded and that’s what we did for years - huge parties often teaming up with another parent so we could combine and share the mayhem.
But. Your get out clause is contained in your post. The child has been ‘extremely violent’ towards your daughter. Do not invite him.
If the - what sounds like a fairly hands off parent - queries this - that’s all you need to say - that and her son seems to find this kind of thing fairly overwhelming. There is no reason why your daughter should have to have a miserable birthday in order to be seen to be kind to a little boy who unfortunately finds it tricky to deal with this kind of social interaction. If he was supported by more ‘hands-on’ or proactive parents that would be another matter and you would have more room to manoeuvre.

A hard line from me on this dilemma. There is no ideal solution so you have to make a decision on what matters most. I suspect that is your daughter and numerous other children enjoying themselves in a safe environment. Therefore you have to either ignore the autistic child and his mother (impolite and unnecessary) or speak to the mother to explain why her son is not invited, citing the party you have described.

Honestly I really wouldn’t send that message (or any message)… it’s not going to go down well. There is no way she is going to read that and think, yea fair enough.

Don’t invite him and if his mother asks why, explain he has been violent to your daughter.

This. My son’s birthday is coming up and I won’t be inviting the child who has broken his things, punched him and bullied his friends. I’m not going to explain it, just not going to invite him.

You don’t have to make it girls only. And neither do you have to invite a child who will trash her party. If the mother is not sensible enough to realize that parties aren’t the environment for him or TAKE HIM OUT when he starts kicking off, he needs to be not invited outright.

But what can you do when the parents are clearly not as clued-up, considerate and responsible as you are?

By centring this other boy, his choices are either that his DD doesn't get a party, her male best friend can't go, or that she (and all of the other children) get a completely spoiled party.

Ah the inevitable man bashing. Where would Mumsnet be without it? 🙄

To be honest I'm not sure I would be starting a dialogue with the child's Mum, I think you could be opening yourself up to a world of trouble.
Yes, it's hurtful to exclude one child but the suggestion of inviting half the class, or only girls, means you would be excluding several children who would enjoy the party in favour of one who clearly won't, and upsetting your own child to boot. I'd be more sympathetic if the Mum was clearly trying to manage her child, and was voluntarily removing him if it got too much, but she isn't. She's trying to shoehorn him into unsuitable occasions to the detriment of others, so this is on her, not you.
If anything is said afterwards, I would simply say that unfortunately you were unable to accommodate her sons needs.

Because leaving one child out is hurtful and not nice.

Every other child in the class is having thier birthday party ruined by parents who invite the boy knowing what he's going to be like . I'd say that's hurtful and not nice.

Op just say to the parent that the boy obviously doesn't cope with parties so to avoid him being distressed and ruining things for the other kids it's best he doesn’t come.

Don't send the message just learn it off by heart so you can say it to her face if she asks you. She's not a normal reasonable person or else she wouldn't allow her child to spoil other children's events. So your message however reasonable isn't going to land well it will cause major drama and stress at the school gates for you. Just give out the invites and then if she asks you face to face just explain and say what your message would say.

Is she likely not to accept it and turn up anyway?

I think this is a very nice note. That way, she can't badger you into changing your mind.

No way would I invite a violent child to my child's party.
I don't think I would go out of my way to send the mum a message beforehand though, if she finds out and wants to ask why her son isn't invited then tell her why but I would just leave it otherwise.

Good luck, I hope your daughter enjoys her birthday.