Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

That’s very interesting, thank you.
(I was thinking of a different situation: other posters had indicated their child would probably like to attend but would make things less enjoyable for other children, so they don’t accept.)

I think you’ve done the right thing in sending the message Op.

I agree that you have done the right thing here and the message was a good idea.
Your priority is your child, her birthday and giving her a lovely party.
You are not obliged to invite a violent child who you know will become over stimulated and ruin it. Part of what is wrong with children, parenting and life lessons these days is that everyone expects everyone to be treated the same. It isn’t always possible or the right thing to do.
Everyone will enjoy the party and I am sure all the other children will be happy as well. Might be mean to point that out, but it’s true.

Perfect, I would go with this, op

Just don't invite him. Autism or not, if you don't want someone at a party, don't invite them.

I didn’t want that to sound sanctimonious - I was rushing - (posting whilst cooking) but I notice it a lot. A good friend with an autistic son was telling me how it breaks her heart to see her son away from crowds at school or parties.

He clearly prefers that. He’s ver sweet and knows me well but is entirely uninterested in other people. We (as NT people) don’t get it but that’s fine. She had an elaborate party for him that he was entirely uninterested in and just wanted to go home. She wanted him not to miss out. He would’ve preferred 2 hours on the train.

Too late unfortunately.

It very much depends on the child. Many autistic children do enjoy parties and would feel an exclusion very keenly.

Good decision. And I agree with the message format - it gives her time to process instead of protest. The best case scenario, she can now pretend claim that "after Max's she wouldn't have take him anyway".

All those "you can't ommit one child" - that depends on the reason.
I really hate how easily many suggest "girls only" - so because of one boy the birthday girl can't have her friends who happened to be boys there? It's just so wrong.

But why any playdate at all? This boy is violent towards her. Do you really think it is a good message to teach a young girl that she should invite violent boys home and 'be kind'? Like I said, bonkers.

That is true. But if their behaviour is such that they are excluded because of it? That has to be explained to them, surely? Or, as PP said, how will they ever learn?

Well obviously - I said my older boy loved parties. But the exclusion is the consequence of his behaviour. His mum isn’t supporting him adequately and doing him a disservice. This will continue and get worse if she doesn’t deal with it now.

Well, that will teach me to read the ops post in its entirety 🙄
Don't know why they posted anyway, seems they had their mind made up beforehand 🙄

I agree.

Not to mention that part of the issue is the lack of supervision.

My son had ASD. He used to get invited to parties and could misbehave when overwhelmed. So when invited, I would say to the parents that he would come, but if he became overwhelmed or badly behaved, then we would leave immediately without fuss.
my son was also aware that if he misbehaved, we would leave immediately. He got angry with a child once and swore at them and presented himself to my mum who had taken him and told her she needed to take him home!

you can think that x or y course of action is best but still want to ask others or another if they have any other approaches. The OP made clear that that was why he was posting

I think that's a good message, fair and clear and not dissing the child.

Ok but reading it all, I think op wanted pp to say, no to inviting the boy anyway. That's my perception anyway.

He probably did and what's wrong with that? His instinct was to not invite the boy, he wanted to check whether he was being unreasonable, most people agreed with him, so he's gone ahead with his plan. Isn't that what most posters use AIBU for?

👌

It’s wonderful your year are trying to be inclusive.
It sounds like this boy gets overstimulated by the noise and busyness, as well has having difficulty with change (cake cutting). With the lack of specialist support and funding I’m guessing he’ll remain in your class for a while.
For the future would it be possible to acknowledge these difficulties with his mum & dad, and suggest just inviting him at the end, after cake-cutting and the music has finished, for food or the goodie bags?

I think it is good you sent that message OP, and it would be better if more people were open and honest and direct rather than just not saying anything.

Of course the Mum will be upset, it's an upsetting situation, but the solution to that is not for your dd to be upset!

If she speaks to you about it say you know it isn't the boy's fault but unfortunately your dd has been in the firing line of his upset a few times and finds it frightening - and that parties seem to overwhelm his so you don't want to risk your dd being distressed at her party.

Did you receive a reply @tomWh ?

And so do I.

I like the sound of your son!