Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

I’ve never done a full class party, it’s too much! But if you want to, I’d just not invite the kid. Honestly, what you’re describing, especially the violence, is just not OK. I doubt he’s enjoying it either if he’s that dysregulated, so unsure why the mum would even want him there. It’s not fair on anyone, and if she won’t make that call then you do.

I’d have loved to do an all class party for DD’s last birthday as they’re all absolutely lovely kids and get on brilliantly, bar one boy who is completely out of control, lashes out constantly, gets them evacuated regularly. I knew if he was invited others wouldn’t come so she invited about half the class plus some non school friends and kids from other years she’s friendly with. Tbh I’m still annoyed about it because really nice kids weren’t invited so it didn’t look like she was only leaving him out.

Talking to his mother or expecting her to deal with him would have been a complete waste of time and I’m a bit scared of her so it wasn’t an option.

Interesting replies on this thread, much more sensible and pragmatic than in previous similar dilemmas. I think the tide is turning against inclusion at all odds and fuck the well behaved children and their right to be happy and safe.

No way. It’s not up to OP or other parents to provide events or parties for therapeutic use for him to learn how to behave. The kid does not enjoy himself and probably ends up feeling bad afterwards. I’m sure when he is older he will learn strategies to cope better in noisy social situations but not for now.

This recent notion of #be kind is crap. It’s always at someone else’s detriment. I’m finding it hard not to judge his mother in this scenario because she sounds useless. You can’t allow a kids to ruin someone’s party.

It sounds like him having autism isn't the relevant factor here; it's that he has challenging behaviours caused by autism AND that his parent(s) doesn't address and manage them in such a way as to protect her child and also consider everybody else as well.

Not quite the same thing, but if you took a young baby to a wedding and they slept or murmured and gurgled there on your lap, all would be fine; but if they then started screaming the place down so that nobody could hear the vows or anything else that was said, you would respond appropriately by taking the baby out.

Yes, it spoils it for you, but as the parent, you have to accept that it's either you who suffers or else everybody does - including all of the people who are not in any way responsible for your child, including the person/people whose very special day it is.

How well do you know the mum? She sounds like a "my son can do whatever he wants and I don't have to do a damn thing about it 'cause autism" kind of parent (and I say that as an autistic person myself), which probably means that there's no safe decision here. If you invite him your daughter's safe space is being compromised, if you don't invite him I am not hopeful about your chances of getting the mum to accept this.

If you are keen to contact the mum to explain why I'd suggest a message rather than a phone call. Then there's a complete record of everything that has been said in case you need it.

As there are only 19 in the class go ahead with the whole class party. It does not sound like this boy is ready to cope with parties so I wouldn’t invite him.

I wouldn’t call the mum I would just see if you can discreetly hand out the invites, preferably not all at once on the playground.

It’s hard to have a child that is not included but a party where food gets thrown, children get hit and toys get broken is not a good party for anyone. I would not let other children miss out on the party by reducing the numbers.

There are plenty of parents who couldn’t give a toss how their child’s behaviour impacts other people. The mum of the boy in DD’s class literally shrugs when told about the latest dangerous outburst.

You being a single parent is so irrelevant, and interesting it’s your opening sentence. We’re not all here to think you’re amazing for giving your daughter a party. If you want to ask whether other parents would invite the child then just ask that.

Invite him but make clear to his parents what kind of a party it is and ask her does she think he'll be able for it. Tell her (in a nice way) unruly behaviour won't be tolerated.

He has been extremely violent to your daughter on several occasions? Obviously do not invite him to your daughter’s party in this case. I do sympathise with his mum and him, he obviously struggles a lot and needs help, but him coming to your DD’s party and acting this way isn’t actually helping him.

Just invite 10 children, boys or girls. That seems fine.

This is simply a choice about who you put first here - your DD or the other kid. Invite girls only, the only exception being your DD's best friend.

You don't have to explain anything to anyone!

No way would I have that child there.

I’m an autistic parent of an autistic child. We sometimes would decline invites. Other times I just knew I had to be much more hands on at parties than the other parents. It depended on the type of event what approach I took.

you really can’t exclude at the invite stage. You are in luck though. You could just invite the girls and your problem is solved.

I would simply not invite him.

People will scream that it's unfair, and you should "exclude" half the class if you don't invite everyone, but that doesn't make it any more "fair" or inclusive not to invite other friends.

So people can call it how they want, excluding or more reasonably: not invite, but I would just

OBVIOUSLY you don't make a big show of passing invitations right under his nose at school, no need to be horrible, and no mention of a class party on a class whatsapp.

Most people would not invite, and in real life, no one would even notice.
I don't know anyone who counts the guests at a party to see who's missing and demands to know why they are not there.
Only on MN do you find mothers who will know that there was a class party without them, and keep a spreadsheet of attendance when they go somewhere or they hear about a party.

It's horrible that the situation for some people is to segregate boys and girls, as if it's normal to exclude girls from some parties and vice-versa. I thought we wanted equality, but as soon as they have a chance, we are back in the 1900s

Oh stop being a nasty cow. The OP explained it was because he has no partner to bounce the idea off.

I definitely wouldn’t ring the mum. Don’t know about everyone else but most of the interaction I have with other school parents is a quick hello in the playground.. I would find it totally unexpected and bizarre if another school parent phoned me to talk about my child’s behaviour.

And remember you can’t control how the mum then relays that tale to everyone else. It doesn’t sound like she is going to be understanding.. it sounds like it will cause a huge drama.

If you don’t want to invite him, then don’t invite him. If the mum asks why then say that he has hurt your dd in the past and you want her to enjoy her party and not be worried. I would keep it very focused on that element as it is hard to argue with rather than his general behaviour at other parties.

Yes you can exclude the one child who is being violent towards your daughter.

OP your ONLY responsibility in this situation is to teach your daughter that she doesn’t have to accept and shouldn’t accept violence from anybody. Especially men who are excused from their behaviour by other people.

The boys feelings are the problem of his mum and not yours to manage.

you may be more comfortable handing out the invitations at the gates to the parents so that the boys doesn’t see that he doesn’t have one. But you are not responsible for anything else.

There is no world in which explaining you're leaving out one child because he would find it distressing actually makes his mum feel any better. There are hundreds of threads on here with people declaring how hurtful it is to leave a single child out. Justifying it that it's because of his disability, or not the disability but her parenting, doesn't make it any better.

I'm a bit sceptical that leaving out several more actually helps anyone. We did this and ended up leaving out a child who considered DD a close friend - friendships are not always symmetrical. I think we caused more upset to her than we saved in children who probably never expected to be invited in the first place.

So either invite a small numbers maybe all the girls plus a couple of the boys, or invite them all and draft in as much help from other adults as you can. Ask your parents to help or ask other parents if they could help keep an extra eye out. Keep the children well regulated - call drinks breaks, serve plenty of food early before they start flagging. Look up and learn some simple party games g have a music player so you can step in and instigate something more structured if it gets a bit bear pit. Have a breakout area with something quiet like colouring - unlikely to be much help for this little lad (though who knows?) but may be helpful as a transition for other children if there are any incidents.

It's also interesting that this is what you're taking from the post. Does a single father throwing a birthday party make you feel like an inadequate mother?

That’s not “in luck” at all though. The DS’s best friend is a boy and other children lose their invite because of one child who simply cannot cope.

i have a child with ASD there were situations we just didn’t put him in because he wasn’t ready.

@tomWh from experience, if you invite this child his mother won't act any differently even if you make the case beforehand.
As several parents on here have said, they can make adaptations to enable their autistic children to access parties on some level successfully. If this mum doesn't see that as her job, her child will continue to be over stimulated and wreak havoc through distress.
I think you don't invite him, and if mum should ask why explain that you observed how distressed he gets at parties, he clearly doesn't enjoy them, and you thought it kinder not to expect him to come.

As a mum of an autistic teenager who was very felt overwhelmed at parties I would say the parent of this child is the biggest issue. Whilst inclusion is important nobody should be letting their child destroy another child's party. I would never have tolerated this behaviour from my son and he wouldn't have done it. Autism makes it harder for kids to learn acceptable behaviour. It does not mean they should be given a free pass for abysmal behaviour. I used to helicopter parent him and took him out of parties when it became to much for him. In this instance you can either not invite him which is cruel if he is the only child left out or only invite her friends. I personally don't believe in girl or boy only parties unless the childs friends happen to all be girls or boys but maybe limit to half the class.

That’s worse than leaving him out altogether

he will have arrived with a gift and ready to eat only to be evicted probably within the first 5 mins.

much harder to do on the day whilst supervising a party and trying not to have confrontation