To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

@AmberCatz .
Some good advice by @OneGiddyRoseCrab and @greatexpect

Sounds like you had a tough year last year, but you got through it and did really well in your exams... You've also got some nice friends who make you feel great when you go out with them.
This is just a set back.. and maybe has brought back some of the blues you had from last year which is only naturalm but things will get better and you will get over this soon

Well I think you really need to reframe this. This is a good thing this has happened. Its shaken you up, and made you realise you aren't happy. You are fixating on this non-relationshipl, when really the route of it all is some misplaced unhappiness. I suggest you explore that more. Sounds like you have achieved so much, and at 30 to have a masters and be at the top of your game career wise is awesome. But clearly you went through a lot last year, and you are now down on yourself and you are putting way too much weight on this non relationship as the focus. Stop doing that and try and work out whats really going on, and then move towards making changes to your life that will make you feel happier. More socialising, dating, exercising, pursuing new interests - whatever it is that fills your cup.

FWIW I went through exactly this at 47. I retrained as well (did my masters) and then I was bit like 'what now?'. I did a lot of soul searching and focussed on what my interests were, started visiting historic sites (my passion) joined a fancy local gym, focussed on friendships, started dating again, started a new business. It was the shake up I needed. You are way younger and have the world at your feet. Take your reaction to this as a massive alarm bell that your life needs a shake up. You got this. x

If this was flipped and a woman decided she didn’t want to go any further after a few dates and some kissing and then told the person directly that they didn’t want to pursue a romantic relationship would you think it was ok for a man to demand an apology for leading him on?? And then for him post on the internet and have strangers say things along the lines of ‘that’s bitch behaviour, you are better off’??

Spending a bit of time with someone to decide if they are for you is normal dating, either of you are entitled to change their mind at any time and should be respected for doing so.

I can completely appreciate that you feel rejected and that is tough, but he’s not your person, and this isn’t the way to build your ego back up.

Luckily, the man she was out with decided he didn't want to have sex with her. She needs to learn no is an acceptable answer about alcohol and sex both for her and her date. Consent has to be clear and can be revoked at any time. She's learned she has to be firm about her boundaries with alcohol.

A lot of posters seem to think he owed her sex and that's gross.

Yes I’m shocked, genuinely at the amount of women who absolutely subscribe to the andrew Tate school of thought when the genders are reversed. I’ve lost count of the amount of posts saying she was entitled to sex or he must be gay or have issues, it’s an andrew Tate master class.

Remember you are not defined by having a man! Focus on yourself and what you love - your friendships/interests/health. Really start living. And dating if you want - but don't put pressure on it otherwise you will pick the wrong guy just because he likes you. What about if you like him! You are the prize remember.

The island sounds fantastic but dont go cos the man, go because it will be awesome experience.

I say all of this as I have been exactly where you are. For me though it was divorce and I felt everyone else was married - i was the only single one in the group and was met with suspicion by many of my female friends as I was considered attractive and obviously after their fat, boring husbands, lolz. Anyway, I took my own advice, started really living - realised I actually bloody loved the single life. Did that for years, then found my person 18 months ago when I wasn't even looking!!! I get your biological clock is screaming at you - its a powerful thing, but don't settle. You sound fabulous and any man will be lucky to have you. YOu just have to work on yourself and your own self worth first. x

I don't think there was no chemistry.

I think it's just learning nuances rather than assuming that because there's "some" chemistry or vibes you can automatically upgrade to progress things...

It's also easy to confuse anxiety for chemistry.

Do you have any ND traits?

I do and when I was younger I used to think that just because I had a good conversation with someone they were my "friend" or just because I had one great date that guy was then "my person".

And then lots of rumination and over thinking and over analysis!

Although I was pretty clever/accomplished in other ways, it took me longer than others to develop good situational judgement with dates.

I still have some quite strong emotions about things, but I've learned to have better judgement and step back and read situations better.

In your OP you said you've only been on 'a few dates with him'. I get that feelings can develop quickly for some people, with some people, but I think this has shown you're not in a position to be dating right now.

You went through so many awful things last year, have you had any therapy? Maybe that will help you get into a better position, mentally, in general, then you can throw yourself back into dating when you're actually ready.

I didn't say you needed serious therapy, I asked if you'd had it after such a rotten year last year, because the trauma you're feeling over someone you went on a few dates with seems disproportional.

They do say that a change is as good as a rest @AmberCatz , so your island trip sounds great and something to look forward to .

Gently you also wanted to go. It’s not like he forced you. You do appear to be acting like he dragged you along but I’m not sure that’s true.

stop over analysing, it’s fine, just move on,

thank you . Next . So a good woman once said . Don’t stress about him , if he’s being like that so early on then you have dodged a sly one .

Hope you’re feeling better OP, have read all your replies and had a few thoughts. I wonder if he also let himself get a bit carried away in the bar/pub after the drinks with the kissing and groping, and your invite back to yours was a bit of a wake up call that things had gone further than planned. As other posters mention, he does of course have a right to say no at any stage. But it sounds like it was the ‘not looking for anything romantic’ thing that actually hurt you and led to things getting unpleasant. And in that regard, I think you were fair enough to be hurt and annoyed. He took you out multiple times over several months, double date, snog fest and then says that, of course it was reading like a budding romantic connection to you.

You mentioned about ‘ruining’ it with your response but I would push back on that narrative and don’t let it get set up in your head. It sounds like, in hindsight, you can see he perhaps wasn’t quite ‘in it’ - lack of kissing previously suggests as much, as does quite a slow burn (you said this started in July - my experience is that men who are genuinely keen do not let things meander on for several months without making intentions clear). There’s nothing wrong with you OP, in your head you’re linking this with your weight/getting older etc but unlike you, he doesn’t have previous (‘better’) versions of you in his head that he’s comparing you now against! I would build a narrative in your own head about how it’s better to know this all NOW as you were clearly like emotionally invested in this budding relationship, and imagine if it had gone for another month or so, if things had calmed and you’d gone home separately after the kissing or worse if he’s gone home with you when not that interested. You would be even more hurt and upset. Probably, you were a bit over invested, more than it warranted at this stage, but we’ve all done it, full of hope and excitement at a new connection. You deserve someone who is just as excited about YOU.

I also have to object about the various posters really offensive comments basically saying that when he says hes bisexual it means he’s ‘secretly’ gay. How disappointing MN. I presume some people have never heard of the Kinsey Scale or how sexuality evolves through our lifetime is not necessarily a fixed point. Society has moved on in many ways but bi-erasure remains a problem clearly.

“most rational people would have heard a man say he’s bi and stay clear of catching feelings because he’s into something you can’t give him” I’m hoping that I’ve misunderstood this because huh??

To be fair he didn’t take her out multiple times, they met at an event, and he met her once for coffee, he’s not actually taken her out even once , and she was very clear in her op the rejection of the sex thing hurt her, thats what started it.

i do agree though he prob got drunk and carried away with the snogging not realising she was into him so much, it was a mistake on both their parts. He thought harmless drunken fun, she thought sex and a relationship, as she had a major crush.

this thing never had legs, as they both wanted something different, and can’t be what the other wants, so in that, it’s served a purpose to clarify.

He sounds like he's a bit of a charmer but not an easy person to have a relationship with. You are still in the "falling in love" stage so can only see him through that lens. Some people have various issues and are just not straightforward. Of course you thought he was interested when he was dancing attention on you and asking you out. In my experience it isn't the norm for a man to start getting really physical and then back off unless he has a girlfriend lurking elsewhere in the room. He may only want a one-nighter so it's not necessarily about commitment. But if he was tired, had to get up early the next day etc he wouldn't have snubbed you in such an unkind way. But you've probably had a lucky escape as he sounds like a heavy drinker. Once you meet someone else you like who's a better prospect you won't give him a second thought.

I think he’s in the wrong, I think he shouldn’t be going on date s and kissing you if he doesn’t want anything romantic and I think k it’s awesome you called him out on it

dont be down, be proud. You showed him you respect yourself and what he did was wrong.

Ive read all you've said and I feel your hurt - ive been in somilar situations.

This guy is not for you .

He sounds shallow and you both sound incompatible.

Please , block delete on everything. Then you can recover quicker.

Take care

Are you sure he’s single?

Isn’t it better that he stopped instead of taking advantage of a drunk woman and then regretting a one-night stand? Imagine he had done that and ghosted. That’s even worse.

I reckon OP, he will be a distant memory soon and some other guy will be more than happy to step up!