Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

659 replies

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 10:04

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

OP posts:
timemotionboredom · 25/09/2026 19:15

He sounds to me like one of those men who gets satisfaction from messing with your head. I've been there.

I've had the them not being happy until they see you cry experience.

Best to leave well alone. There's a potential lifetime of confusion and misery down that road.

Original poster
AmberCatz · 25/09/2026 19:17

@outerspacepotato I've already taken responsibility for getting drunk.

BUT - in the second bar, he asked if I wanted to get another drink. I said 'yes but this is my final drink'. Unfortunately that drink dissolved my inhibitions completely. Later he said let's go to a third bar and I didn't protest.

Should I have drank that much? No. Was he caring and thoughtful continuing to buy me drinks and convince me to go more bars? I told him when we first met I don't drink much because I'm a lightweight. This is a hard lesson for me to learn. I should've held my boundary and didn't.

OP posts:
Bunny65 · 25/09/2026 19:21

You didn't do anything wrong. It's normal to assume that if you go out on a few dates with a man and he wants to kiss you that he actually fancies you. And even if he wants to take things slower it's hardly respectful or kind to tell you that actually he doesn't want to be romantic. Anyone would be mortified but it's not your fault. So you had a few drinks but that's not a crime, you weren't blind drunk.

Original poster
AmberCatz · 25/09/2026 19:23

Thanks @Bunny65 x

OP posts:
August1980 · 25/09/2026 20:55

Op, it’s ok! You did nothing wrong. Just dust yourself off, have an paracetamol and lots of water and binge watch boxsets!

better you know where you stand than to be messed about.

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 25/09/2026 21:30

FeistyFrankie · 25/09/2026 07:00

What he said sounds like total bs OP. What single man, who fancies a woman, turns down sex?!

He is either cheating, has ED, or there is something he isn't telling you. Don't overthink it, you were absolutely right to demand an apology from him - he DID lead you on. Look at all the drama he has already created. Block him and forget about him. Nothing good will come of this.

Show quote history

I’m STAGGERED by all these comments criticising him for not having sex with the OP WHEN SHE WAS DRUNK!!!!!!

If you’re intoxicated you’re not consenting - it’s rape!

JFC. If she regretted it the next day and was feeling guilty or angry he’d seemingly taken advantage of her everyone would be telling her to call the police!

Men really cannot do right according to a great many MNetters.

Venusunbroken · 25/09/2026 21:36

AmberCatz · 25/09/2026 19:17

@outerspacepotato I've already taken responsibility for getting drunk.

BUT - in the second bar, he asked if I wanted to get another drink. I said 'yes but this is my final drink'. Unfortunately that drink dissolved my inhibitions completely. Later he said let's go to a third bar and I didn't protest.

Should I have drank that much? No. Was he caring and thoughtful continuing to buy me drinks and convince me to go more bars? I told him when we first met I don't drink much because I'm a lightweight. This is a hard lesson for me to learn. I should've held my boundary and didn't.

And yet you still think he was in thr wrong to not shag you in that condition? And it was his fault you got drunk?

bananaobama · 25/09/2026 21:42

You went on a few dates …but he doesn’t want anything romantic?

dick

bananaobama · 25/09/2026 21:54

He definitely has issues

please don’t waste time on these
types

been there, done it!

when they like you, they let you know. There are no games. You’re not left wondering

ChrisInghamStoleMyBeanie · 25/09/2026 22:45

people are allowed to be touchy feely, kiss, makeout etc without wanting to have sex that same night. Nobody owes you sex. Also, didn’t you say you was drunk? Very creepy behaviour from your end I can’t lie.

superfrog2 · 25/09/2026 23:20

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 10:04

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

I selected being unreasonable BUT only because try not to over think things! I know lots of us to including myself and we can over analyze! I think if it’s right it should feel ok and you wouldn’t be questioning or second guessing yourself if that makes sense? Hang on in there you will meet the right person x good luck x

DaringQuoter · 25/09/2026 23:59

Has it occurred to you that he might suffer from erectile dysfunction? He might be a great kisser and was probably hoping something would happen ‘downstairs’ and it didn’t! You suggesting sex would have completely knocked him sideways if he realised he wouldn’t be able to. So, as always, attack is the best method of defence and he froze you out. I’m obviously not sure this is what happened, but it does seem like a possibility to me, given your description of the evening and previous dates. And, yes, I do speak from experience! But I was in the poor guy’s bed when I realised he just couldn’t. I was quite cross tbh when he said it happened a lot to him. I said “you might have warned me before you got me all steamed up” and he just said he hoped it would happen this time! You just never know OP and he’s not going to admit it. Don’t beat yourself up; it really wasn’t your fault 🥰

LimitedAddition · Yesterday 02:03

Reading your posts I am pretty convinced you’d still love him to get in contact and pick things up again!

Just do not - and I repeat do not - contact him again and I do think you might still have a shot with him, since you are in the same circles and your paths will cross again naturally.

My reading of the situation (and I could be totally wrong) is that he really was into you but you came on too strong and it turned him off in the moment.

That is still salvageable though provided you don’t ever repeat it. The memory of it will fade with time and if he finds you hot he finds you hot.

I don’t think he is some terrible person. I do think saying he doesn’t want anything romantic is cruel and confusing after all that had gone before, but I would cut him some slack since he was drunk (and hopefully he will ultimately do the same for you).

Sorry you are feeling down, OP. We have all been where you are. This too shall
pass, one way or another.

PollyBell · Yesterday 02:10

DaringQuoter · 25/09/2026 23:59

Has it occurred to you that he might suffer from erectile dysfunction? He might be a great kisser and was probably hoping something would happen ‘downstairs’ and it didn’t! You suggesting sex would have completely knocked him sideways if he realised he wouldn’t be able to. So, as always, attack is the best method of defence and he froze you out. I’m obviously not sure this is what happened, but it does seem like a possibility to me, given your description of the evening and previous dates. And, yes, I do speak from experience! But I was in the poor guy’s bed when I realised he just couldn’t. I was quite cross tbh when he said it happened a lot to him. I said “you might have warned me before you got me all steamed up” and he just said he hoped it would happen this time! You just never know OP and he’s not going to admit it. Don’t beat yourself up; it really wasn’t your fault 🥰

Or he just didn't want a shag, so any man that says no to sex has to have something medically wrong with him thry have no right to turn a woman down?
If they do they have to be written off?

DaringQuoter · Yesterday 09:51

Or he just didn't want a shag, so any man that says no to sex has to have something medically wrong with him thry have no right to turn a woman down?
If they do they have to be written off?

In my experience no man has never turned down the opportunity for sex. And would be delighted that the woman suggested it. It’s a compliment! I find his reaction very strange- why suddenly turn cold and distant? I’m just suggesting it as a possibility because it’s unusual to behave as he did.

BusyExpert · Yesterday 10:27

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 10:04

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

I can hear the screams of outrage as I write this but it is a big jump from kissing someone to having sex with them. It’s possible that he likes to take things slowly, that your eagerness for sex was off putting and gave out vibes that he did not admire. He may be a sweet old fashioned thing who thinks that the man should be the one to do the running?

He has as much right to his own views on life as you do. I think you should just accept it and chalk it up to experience

Venusunbroken · Yesterday 10:28

DaringQuoter · Yesterday 09:51

Or he just didn't want a shag, so any man that says no to sex has to have something medically wrong with him thry have no right to turn a woman down?
If they do they have to be written off?

In my experience no man has never turned down the opportunity for sex. And would be delighted that the woman suggested it. It’s a compliment! I find his reaction very strange- why suddenly turn cold and distant? I’m just suggesting it as a possibility because it’s unusual to behave as he did.

I find this so sad, that no matter how late, how drunk, what time they need to get up to work the next morning, the men you know would fuck a very drunk woman if asked.

i can assure you not all men are like this, many are decent,

Venusunbroken · Yesterday 10:34

PollyBell · Yesterday 02:10

Or he just didn't want a shag, so any man that says no to sex has to have something medically wrong with him thry have no right to turn a woman down?
If they do they have to be written off?

Show quote history

What I’m reading is

it’s ok for a drunk woman to snog a man and feel his arse, she does not then need to have full sex with him, she can say no and consent matters.

if a drunk man snogs a drunk woman and she asks him for sex and he says no, there is something very wrong with him, he is gay, has a micro penis, or ed. He has no right to consent. She is entitled to sex.

if a drunk man is asked to have sex with a drunk woman and does so, then as she’s very drunk, she can’t consent, so if she regrets it the next morning he is a rapist.

so for a woman if you kiss her and touch her arse she is entitled to sex. If she is drunk, then a man risks being branded a rapist the next day, if he says no. Then he has something wrong with him,

it’s utterly mind boggling. There is another thread on here where the op asks what’s wrong with her, she meets a man in the gym, snogs him for an hour and doesn’t proceed to sex as she’s on her period. She’s complaining men just want sex.

not one poster has said you snogged him so he was entitled to sex, your period is irrelevant, you cannot say no, if you do, then something is very wrong with you.

TB23 · Yesterday 11:21

It is what it is now, I would just move on. Maybe for this guy you just came on a bit strong. People are different. I have never kissed on a first date and certainly wouldn't have sex on the second. Doesn't mean that's wrong, just that people are different. Also goes for men.

Original poster
AmberCatz · Yesterday 11:24

While kissing, he pulled me tightly against him, groin to groin and squeezed my bum repeatedly. Hardly sweet and old fashioned? I invited him home because I thought he wanted to have sex because on how hot and heavy things were. He didn't want to and that's fine. We fell out when he said he didn't want romance. I was hurt by that. I've said this many times.

I agree with 'chalk it up to experience'. @TB23 we'd been out together three times and knew each other previously - this was the first time we kissed.

OP posts:
Agapornis · Yesterday 11:32

3 dates over 3 months?
To me that would be "he doesn't make time for me, he can piss off". Please raise your bar.

Sunbringer · Yesterday 11:34

He dated you without the intention of actually dating you: you didn’t do anything wrong.

Venusunbroken · Yesterday 11:34

Three times in three months isn’t relationship stuff and it sounds like he was just drunk and having fun,

Venusunbroken · Yesterday 11:35

Sunbringer · Yesterday 11:34

He dated you without the intention of actually dating you: you didn’t do anything wrong.

I’m not sure I’d class 3 dates in 3 months as dating someone,

Plumnora · Yesterday 11:35

You did nothing wrong. If he didn't want to kiss you he wouldn't have reciprocated the kiss and he's given you mixed messages.
Now you know who he is I'd chalk it up to experience and move on. He's a dick. Don't contact him again. Lick your wounds, nurse your embarrassment, laugh about it and find a guy who deserves you. X