To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

I think it’s insecurity that made you think he didn’t fancy you, or the sex rejection. It was clear he did and I commented as such up thread. But fancying you doesn’t mean he has to shag you on request. His justification of it was 2am, he was tired, had work, and wished to see you again was a valid one. It’s what came after that that caused the issues.

you seem fixated on if he fancied you for some reason. Most people. Myself included have fancied someone, snogged them, had a grope but not proceed to drunk sex, and most of us can tell you something that gave us an immediate ick and killed that. If a man was belligerent or hurt as I reasonably refused sex that would probably do it for me.

on saying that, I’d guess you have a gut instinct here, and you suspect you were way way more into him than he was you , and that’s why you thought he didn’t fancy you and are seeking reassurance and going on about it. And as he wasn’t as into you as you are him, hence why the ick came so fast. And why he’s brushed this off without a second glance.

as the saying goes, he just wasn’t that into you.

OP I've only read your posts rather than the full thread. I think you're beating yourself up a little too much. You were drunk and you've apologised for being pushy. I don't think you need to beat yourself up more.

I really doubt you ruined anything. Also, just thinking back on my own experiences, I think it helps to think about what you want rather than trying to work out what other people want. You want chemistry, connection and a committed romantic relationship (at least that's my interpretation but sorry if I've got that wrong). I don't think this man can offer that. It doesn't matter why and you probably won't ever know why. Maybe he's going through some stuff, maybe he's not emotionally stable right now (in which case much better not to get involved!), maybe there's a clear lifestyle difference, maybe he realised it wasn't going to work for some reason - there's just no way to know. But he's not what you want/need right now, which is still sad, but it's easier to accept that than going through the impossible puzzle of trying to work out what he's thinking.

When I think back to people I've changed my mind about in the past (ie put myself in his shoes), it's more often been due to my own issues rather than anything else.

In reality there is no easy way to reject someone or to be rejected, but it does happen to every single one of us and it doesn't say anything about your overall attractiveness.

He probably has sexual issues or is insecure about the size of his penis. I’m honestly not being facetious; he will have a hang-up of some sort. YANBU and have dodged a bullet with this weirdo.

To any of those women saying its probably his problem because he has a tiny penis...

a) do you think a tiny penis is a problem you should mock?
b) are you actually shallow enough that a tiny penis is a deal breaker in the first place?
c) if you turned down sex with a man do you think it would be OK if he said it was probably because you have a huge fanny or a sexual disease? Wouldn't that make him an utter prick for saying that? So why is it ok for you to say the equivalent?

Completely agree dairydebris. The world's gone mad he prob just didnt dig a woman who puts out after a few drinks.

not ignoring it at all? But what's wrong with that? She is only saying there that she liked him, would have liked to have spent the night with him and was disappointed he said no.

None of that is badgering someone for sex when they said no. The next paragraph, the one I directed you to that you ignored makes it clear why she got upset. Not because he said no to sex, but how he then dismissed her (we'll meet up sometime) and ignored her (walking ahead). That's shitty behaviour.

She should not have said he 'led her on'. But he treated her badly, and she is entitled to feel upset. That's NOT the same as saying, we kissed, you have to sleep with me now.

It's certainly not my reading of it that's bizarre. 😳

And it's plain as day that he's gay, and not interested on that basis

Who’s mocking it? I wasn’t. It can be a genuine issue for some men.

I hardly think that’s fair.

I hardly think its fair blaming a man for erectile dysfunction , having an std or being called a weirdo?

😱

I could be completely wrong @AmberCatz , but I think probably he did fancy you and liked you but sounds very wary of relationships (apart from his one with alcohol 😁)
If that's a lifestyle you've been steering clear of, then I think you are right to regard it as something you didn't want to be dragged back into.

So fact that you work in the same industry, you are sociable, confident and outgoing - (more so than he is from the description) and you have a lot of contacts and acquaintances in the related industry - and you are not afraid of being honest - is maybe why he's veered off. But all of those things are good qualities, so its lame if that was the reason.

Perhaps he realised that having a casual fling or a quick relationship that ends as soon as he felt he was getting too involved or not following through would look bad to all these people. Maybe he's just one of those pick you up and drop you and pick you up again types. If that's the case, he might be a bit calculating and using you for introductions.

All of that is only a possible theory though. I guess I was looking for ways to say you may have dodged a bullet. Whatever it is, I hope you have a bloomin brilliant weekend with your friends and don't let this continue to weigh you down.

Good points by @SquirrelMadness BTW

Spot on
the number of people saying he must be gay, bisexual, impotent, or have some other issue just because he didn’t want to sleep with the op is shocking.

Ffs

And if he has slept with her and the next day she regretted it, said she’d been very drunk, they’d have called him a rapist and said drunk women can’t consent.

Exactly and cant claim wanted something serious and romantic nothing serious or romantic about the situation but thats my opinion. Im not judging I believe 2 consenting adults can do what they like with no judgement sexually... but if you go down the route of messy drunken sex then youve already set a boundary of the type of relationship which is not serious or romantic.

Insane and dangerous

Do use your words?

God I feel like using your emoji right back to you.

If a man slept with a woman without obtaining genuine consent, of course it's rape - there is no 'calling him a rapist'

I really think some posters have difficulty reading.

It's not the 'no sex' part that upset her (though she'd have liked sex); it's the acting like he was interested (passionate kissing), before then completely changing, vaguely saying he'd see her 'some time', denying he ever wanted a romantic relationship, and ignoring her as they walked to get her a taxi. That's really demeaning treatment.

Imagine thinking the scenario you just wrote has any relevance to what happened.

i don't think there's any truth in it, tbh. If there was, he'd say that, while being kind to you. Not denying there was anything romantic after kissing you, and shutting down and ignoring you.

And if he was thinking that way, and isn't mature enough to use his words, then really, there's no point in being with him anyway

It is disappointing that things did not work out but I think he would have not said “I am not looking for anything romantic right now” if you had not made your intentions clear. I understand knowing you were a bit drunk adds to your shame, but he is the one who is playing an unclear game. I think you can proudly move on without any apology and keep dating until you find your person.

Well you and her disagree, as she’s been very clear, from in her op on, it really hurt her, but you tell her she’s wrong

He's obviously got problems. He led you on and it wasn't a casual one-off thing that happened spontaneously on a night out. In any case it is horribly teasing to go out on dates with someone, go in for passionate kissing and then reject them. It's not as if you proposed marriage. I would give him a wide berth from now on and don't beat yourself up, as soon as he realises you're not interested he'll come crawling back at some point wanting your attention. It's all ego with some of these types.

This 💯

She was very drunk and he decided not to have sex with someone who was really drunk. That's a smart decision.

Teasing? Leading on? That sounds like something out of the 60s. A man can say no to sex just like a woman. He was being a decent guy and not doing something they both might regret in the morning, especially when she was being argumentative. She got messy drunk and he got turned off is the most likely scenario. Or it was 2 AM and he was tired.