Page 25 | To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

11AndCounting · Yesterday 16:36

This thread makes me wonder if the most significant factor in the disparity of sexual offences, between the sexes, if simply lack of opportunity on women's part.

Very "Andrea Tate" in here.

Original poster

AmberCatz · Yesterday 16:50

I'm really struggling. almost burst into tears on transport today then had a great day with friends - took my mind off things - but when I was nearly home I felt the tears coming again. I feel so low.

The fact he didn't follow up with any further messages which might have suggested some level of care has hurt. I don't know what more there is to say, but if there was a connection to salvage, I realise he isn't bothered. I didn't reply to his last one saying thanks for the apology and hoping I was able to make my plans that day because it sounds like a closing message, rather than any continuation.

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Venusunbroken · Yesterday 16:54

AmberCatz · Yesterday 16:50

I'm really struggling. almost burst into tears on transport today then had a great day with friends - took my mind off things - but when I was nearly home I felt the tears coming again. I feel so low.

The fact he didn't follow up with any further messages which might have suggested some level of care has hurt. I don't know what more there is to say, but if there was a connection to salvage, I realise he isn't bothered. I didn't reply to his last one saying thanks for the apology and hoping I was able to make my plans that day because it sounds like a closing message, rather than any continuation.

Please don’t message again like someone suggested, it will be something you regret.

im sorry you’re feeling so low, look sometimes it works for two people and other times it doesn’t work and one wishes it did. Its nothing about the individuals as people.

no, he’s not interested and he shouldn’t have kissed you if he suspected you were so emotionally invested in him. Although to be balanced he was drunk and maybe didn’t realise just how keen you were on him.

dont keep thinking on it, he’s not the one for you, you will meet the one who is.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · Yesterday 16:57

I'm sure it does hurt @AmberCatz , but it's early days.

The good thing to remember is that when you are out with your friends, you still managed to have a great time. So it looks like keeping busy and distracted by other things is working well for you. More of that!

woollensmashkin · Yesterday 16:58

Venusunbroken · Yesterday 12:12

Yeah I just read your other threads op, even you were not sure if any of this was dates, you met once at an event, yes you spent 10 hours together at it, but there was no kissing etc, then you met for coffee and same again, and you thought maybe he just wanted to be your friend,

and then this, yes he kissed you etc, but I can’t see from your previous threads how you came to the conclusion he wanted to have a romantic relationship with you, it seems the drunk snogging has led you to believe that , and the third one, you were with your mates,

I think you had a desperate crush on this man, and are just embarassed, you wanted sex to seal the deal and he refused then told you firmly he didn’t want some romantic relationship,

I think just accept it, we all meet someone who we are more into than them us. It’s nothing about either person. Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there for one person

Yes - after the first meeting, the guy pretty much would have known if he was really into the OP or not.

I'd say most guys know after about a couple of hours in person if it's something they want to pursue romantically.

If he wasn't enthusiastically available and up for everything after then and prioritizing seeing the OP 1-1 then it never was going to happen.

It sounded a bit like he wanted to keep the OP as part of his social network due to her success/contacts.

The group meets are a giveaway, or always wanting to do an activity of some sort.

I have some flirty group friends (we're all single, kind of alternative/creative) who I wouldn't really want to date 1-1 even though we do vibe and have chemistry in a group?

It's more a "night out with alcohol" chemistry.

Original poster

AmberCatz · Yesterday 16:59

@Goditsmemargaret 'You are feeling shitty because your delivery was a drunken one and you lost a bit of higher ground' - yes.

It has been about 7 years since I drank to excess like that. I decided I didn't like who I was and ever since I've drank moderately. At least a chunk of how I feel is having let myself down and ruined this connection at the same time. It has been such a long time I've had those horrible emotions of remorse. I wasn't abusive or shouting but my behaviour was still out of order. Yes, I HAVE apologised. But day to day I hold myself to a high standard.

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Original poster

AmberCatz · Yesterday 17:05

@woollensmashkin to be fair, the last two meets were one to one (just us) but then my friends were going to the same show, so that last one became a group. It's not so clear cut although I am worried at least part of this for him was networking.

But then he wanted to know about me in depth and most of our chats were not about industry stuff, it was about our lives and who we are as people. I'll never know properly now - I suppose I need to accept if he cared about me exclusively I may have heard something more from him by now. Or maybe he just thinks its best to leave me alone if he doesn't feel the same...

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Dreamcatcher90 · Yesterday 17:05

I am one of the previous commenters who defended the man in question but I just want to say I hope if its any of the responses that have upset you on top of everything else it was aimed more at how other commenters view the sitation and have such ridiculous theories that needed putting straight and nothing you said in your original post that was wrong as such. Men can be jerks.. sometimes it just doesnt work out , sometimes its misunderstanding or harmless there can be a million different reasons. My advice after this post has got way out of hand is just to forget about it now and focus on yourself. What hurts now will be old news in a few weeks and what's happened and how you think an feel is nothing that every single person on this post hasnt gone through before. Chin up theres better days to come.

Venusunbroken · Yesterday 17:06

AmberCatz · Yesterday 16:59

@Goditsmemargaret 'You are feeling shitty because your delivery was a drunken one and you lost a bit of higher ground' - yes.

It has been about 7 years since I drank to excess like that. I decided I didn't like who I was and ever since I've drank moderately. At least a chunk of how I feel is having let myself down and ruined this connection at the same time. It has been such a long time I've had those horrible emotions of remorse. I wasn't abusive or shouting but my behaviour was still out of order. Yes, I HAVE apologised. But day to day I hold myself to a high standard.

I think maybe you’re overplaying it, I don’t think there was a connection, he just wanted to be your friend, and drunkenly got caught up in the whole snogging thing,which by his own words he just saw as a bit of fun, but you took seriously

it was never going to work for either of you, you couldn’t be his friend as you had a big crush and he couldn’t be your boyfriend as he wasn’t feeling thay way , you’d just have been torturing youself looking for signs and waiting for crumbs , like you have been the last 3 months,

I get the embarassment,you came on a bit strong, but both of you messed up, and it’s probably better for both of you, as he now knows your feelings and you now know his

Original poster

AmberCatz · Yesterday 17:08

thanks @Dreamcatcher90 I appreciate that. Yes some of the opinions on me have contributed to how I'm feeling. I know some if it was putting right unfair judgments of him.

I did apologise to him straight away which he accepted. I don't think he's some awful guy but I am hurt by how it's turned out. A few kind words from him in the last few days probably would have helped me one way or the other, but they're not forthcoming. So just need to find a way through myself.

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CharlottePotatoes · Yesterday 17:11

Sounds like he’s got something going on OP- this doesn’t reflect on you though! Maybe he’s dating someone else or has some sex issue he didn’t want to bring up. Odd to string along the dates- he must like the attention but not be bothered to address whatever the issue is. You probably scared the shit out of his frustratingly avoidant inner child by being open and candid but that doesn’t reflect poorly on you at all.

tripleginandtonic · Yesterday 17:15

TheProvincialLady · 23/09/2026 10:15

I can’t believe what I’m reading.

Men and women are allowed to have a snog - even initiate it - without intending to have sex. They can decide to stop at any point.

Accusing someone of ‘leading them on’ is disgusting behaviour.

Just don’t see the man again if you’re not getting the physical contact you want. That’s your prerogative.

This. If the sexes were reversed i think the poll would be too.

Dreamcatcher90 · Yesterday 17:16

I understand @ambercatzdefo had my fair share of those moments. As I say I think this chat has gone out of context and the negative comments arent aimed at you there aimed at just the difference of opinions between other people and youve got caught up in the cross fire. Unfortunately the downside of a forum lol! If it gets you down just take a step back from the chat now id say.. the comments are generally just the same things being repeated now just worded differently I dont think there will be any new prospective to gain it will just keep going round in circles.

woollensmashkin · Yesterday 17:16

AmberCatz · Yesterday 17:05

@woollensmashkin to be fair, the last two meets were one to one (just us) but then my friends were going to the same show, so that last one became a group. It's not so clear cut although I am worried at least part of this for him was networking.

But then he wanted to know about me in depth and most of our chats were not about industry stuff, it was about our lives and who we are as people. I'll never know properly now - I suppose I need to accept if he cared about me exclusively I may have heard something more from him by now. Or maybe he just thinks its best to leave me alone if he doesn't feel the same...

I don't think having deep conversations is a sign the guy is attracted to you or cares about you.

It's more a female/friend way of connecting.

Initially it's mainly visual/physical for men, not intellectual/verbal.

(You sound hot and I bet you looked gorgeous - it's just that you're not hot for THIS guy).

Often guys are a bit awkward around women they fancy as they're worried the women don't like them or want to win them over.

If they do communicate it's trying to present themselves in the best light as a boyfriend.

MarilynMerlot · Yesterday 17:16

I understand you’re struggling love so I’m going to ask gently, what else is going on on your life at the moment? I get that you were into this guy but this is also a lot of sad rumination on a couple of dates and a drunken fumble. I get you don’t like how you behaved and you can only take that on board and do things differently in the future, but I with a PP that you didn’t ruin the connection, it sounds like you were on different pages.

feeling this low seems an intense reaction, that’s why I’m wondering if you generally feel like you’re living your purpose day to day, or does life feel like it’s really lacking and you pinned a lot of hopes on this?

seanconneryseyebrow · Yesterday 17:16

I must admit I dont get all this angst OP. You weren't in love with him. Who cares if hes not that into you? Its someone you liked, and it didn't work out. You are young, fun, attractive. Hes not the only bloke in the world, and you weren't in love, so its really no great loss. In the nicest way I think you are being really ridiculous now. This just isnt that big a deal.

Get on Tinder and have some more dates - you will soon forget about him.

Venusunbroken · Yesterday 17:21

AmberCatz · Yesterday 17:08

thanks @Dreamcatcher90 I appreciate that. Yes some of the opinions on me have contributed to how I'm feeling. I know some if it was putting right unfair judgments of him.

I did apologise to him straight away which he accepted. I don't think he's some awful guy but I am hurt by how it's turned out. A few kind words from him in the last few days probably would have helped me one way or the other, but they're not forthcoming. So just need to find a way through myself.

I think you kind of knew though op. I mean you met him at an industry event, it wasn’t a date, yes he spent hours talking to you but there was no romance,no kissing, he then asked you to go to shows, but again there was no sign of romance, and he met you for coffee, again no kissing etc , you were posting saying you thought he just wanted friendship when you had a huge crush.

thr drunken snogging was a terrible mistake , he saw it as harmless fun, you saw it as a forerunner to sex and a relationship.

it’s a good thing no sex happened, you would have been so much more hurt if he had slept with you the didn’t wish to see you again.

now you know he isn’t interested in a romantic connection, he blurred the lines kissing you , maybe not realising how much it meant to you as he was in a different headspace and drunk.

neither of you should carry this on. Any text from him will have you hoping again, there is no path to either of you getting what you wish , so best to let it lie.

Original poster

AmberCatz · Yesterday 17:22

@MarilynMerlot I was actually in a great place before this occurred. As a mature student I just finished a Masters degree with a top result. But I am in a transitional phase of life.

I'm surprised I'm not doing better by now. I think it's to do with a) feelings for him particularly b) feeling early 30s pressure/feeling everyone else has someone and c) being a few months post-op and having feelings about my body and attractiveness. I am exercising and the scarring is much better now.

I was not in a happy place last year. I was depressed, made redundant, suffered several bereavements and a serious break up. I've since moved past all of that but this last week it's almost like I'm back there.

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OneGiddyRoseCrab · Yesterday 17:24

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 10:04

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

Think about what you want and deserve. You want a romantic relationship with someone and you deserve to have it with someone who likes you back. You also deserve to know where you stand with a potential partner.

Your dates were fun but not headed in the direction you were hoping for. You, bravely, made your move. He kissed you back. You made another move. He pulled away. No one can know what his reasoning was apart from him. What I do know is it has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness or your worth.

Yeah you were drunk and said some things in the moment but they weren't that unreasonable given the events leading up to that moment (trust me I say worse to my husband on the daily and I'm sober most of the time!).

It has brought things to a head and hopefully will stop you wasting more of your valuable time on him. Be kind to yourself. You are worth more than the breadcrumbs being offered.

YellowScarfRupert · Yesterday 17:28

You asked and he declined, perhaps you should have left it there rather than demand he owes you an apology. He doesn’t and has the right to say no.

Jane143 · Yesterday 17:34

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 10:09

I'm so embarrassed. I feel like he went along with the kissing but doesn't really fancy me.

he's the first guy I really liked since my ex so it's upsetting. We seemed to have developed a connection these last two months.

Don’t feel bad. I bet a huge percentage of women on here have done embarrassing stuff after a few drinks. Just be your normal friendly self around him

Original poster

AmberCatz · Yesterday 17:36

I feel like a lot of posts are suggesting I'm delusional to think he fancied me. Two of my friends thought he did. I also thought he did. I'm happy to accept whatever he did feel was not enough, and posters are gently trying to help by suggesting I may have seen more than was there. I don't deny this. Clearly not a go-er.

I am just saying that outside of Mumsnet, if some posters had seen us together leading up to this, would not think it crazy to think there was potential for more than friendship.

It would have been nice to clear the air with him outside of being hammered but maybe wouldn't help anyway.

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Greatexpect · Yesterday 17:36

OP the opinions on this thread are of strangers who have a snapshot of your life. Some will be in a shitty place themselves and cope by making others feel shitty too. You sound like you have a lovely life and lovely friends. This drunken night and short lived fling will be a blip on your radar soon. Hide this thread and don’t read another reply.. it isn’t helping.

Venusunbroken · Yesterday 17:38

AmberCatz · Yesterday 17:22

@MarilynMerlot I was actually in a great place before this occurred. As a mature student I just finished a Masters degree with a top result. But I am in a transitional phase of life.

I'm surprised I'm not doing better by now. I think it's to do with a) feelings for him particularly b) feeling early 30s pressure/feeling everyone else has someone and c) being a few months post-op and having feelings about my body and attractiveness. I am exercising and the scarring is much better now.

I was not in a happy place last year. I was depressed, made redundant, suffered several bereavements and a serious break up. I've since moved past all of that but this last week it's almost like I'm back there.

But you’re not back there, cmon you met a guy, developed a crush, maybe over focused a bit on him,and got your hopes up, understandably when he snogged you, you then tried to seal the deal with sex and took the rejection very badly when he spelled out he also didn’t wish a Romantic relationship

it’s all understandable , it’s no big deal. So what if he’s not feeling it. He’s not the only guy and everything else is still in place, your education, your health, you’ve clearly got good friends.

shake it off, force yourself not to think of it or him and the positives.

GetBernie · Yesterday 17:46

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 23/09/2026 10:08

The fault lies with him.

If he didn't want anything he could have not kissed you.

Don't have shame for wanting to have sex, there is no shame.

He is in the wrong for leading you on- just put it down to experience. But hold your head high.

Oh come on now. That's outrageous. Would you say that to a woman? Tell her she's led a man on by kissing him and then behaved badly by declining to sleep with him and then wanting to put space between her and him?

I don't know why he backed out after the kissing, it's a bit strange but I'm sure he had his reasons. Something obviously made him go 'nope, this isn't for me' and he told her straight.

It's a bit of a blow to the ego admittedly but he's done absolutely nothing wrong.