To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

She said they went on a first date. A date means they’ve begun dating. Dating is occurring.

Really? Hmm, you think everyone who goes on a first date is now officially dating? That’s an unusual view point.

I think you're valid in thinking he had led you along when he said he didn't want to get involved romantically.

However you keep talking about the bum groping as though it is a precursor to sex which I think is odd. As other posters have said, imagine if that was the other way round.

I wouldn't stress about it, sometimes it takes a while to figure out if the connection is there, i dont think either of you did much wrong its just taken a couple of dates and a few kisses to figure out what is there or not, and its not a reflection on you if he doesnt want a romantic connection. To be fair to him, it might not be that he doesn't fancy you or was messing you about, but instead that he wants to move more slowly or isn't great at talking to or explaining himself with women. I feel like if the genders were reversed and it went;
"Don't want to move fast, haven't kissed before and wasnt sure if i had a physical spark, kissed on our 4th date and it was great but then my date tried to get me back to his, I definitely wasn't ready for that and said I wasn't up for it and he said I owed him" - we'd all be "it's OK to move at your own pace, you don't owe him sex etc".
Suspect it's just awkwardness and crossed wires and he'll be as mortified as you. Try to move past it and not take it personally.

The replies to this are bonkers and yall women saying he led are on need to give your heads a wobble. OP you initiated a kiss, he went along. 4 dates does not a relationship make. Plus nobody is entitled to sex even after snogging. Can only imagine if the roles were reversed here, the names the man would be called for being upset that the woman he’d been on 4 dates with refused to come home with him even after he said he had work and she’s clearly inebriated.
OP you’re clearly embarrassed and your ego is working overtime but YOU harassed him and not the other way round.

I've just seen another thread of yours dated 3rd Sept where you were both supposed to be 1. meeting for lunch, and then separately 2. a show.

Did either of those things happen?

I don't want to be unkind here, but he might have kissed her even if he didn't fancy her. I occasionally did it in my youth because it was easier to just go along with it.... And with beer goggles on, it's even more possible.

He is still an arse and I'm not saying he DOESN'T fancy OP, but I don't think you can assume he does just because he kissed her.

I'm sorry OP. It's hard when it's been a while and you feel invested but he is going to muck you about and make you feel shit. I'd move on.

It obviously just didn't really click on a romantic level then and people send mixed signals. No point dwelling on it - who knows what else is going on in his life. Awkward that you have common friends, but it will likely be just as awkward for him, so no one will want to discuss it.

Yeah I just read your other threads op, even you were not sure if any of this was dates, you met once at an event, yes you spent 10 hours together at it, but there was no kissing etc, then you met for coffee and same again, and you thought maybe he just wanted to be your friend,

and then this, yes he kissed you etc, but I can’t see from your previous threads how you came to the conclusion he wanted to have a romantic relationship with you, it seems the drunk snogging has led you to believe that , and the third one, you were with your mates,

I think you had a desperate crush on this man, and are just embarassed, you wanted sex to seal the deal and he refused then told you firmly he didn’t want some romantic relationship,

I think just accept it, we all meet someone who we are more into than them us. It’s nothing about either person. Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there for one person

Is it possible that he wanted to test the waters with you but he got the ick when you got drunk and propsoed sex? How did you behave? Do you remember all?

Reading this thread is interesting because I’m interpreting his behaviour in a completely different way.
I don’t think he doesn’t fancy you. I think he doesn’t want a romantic relationship, perhaps either only physical or good old fashioned friendship. Maybe he’s had his heart broken, or he’s working on himself in some way and needs to focus internally.
If you started to like him, he will have picked up on that and probably didn’t want to feel further guilt after sleeping with you.

You should be very relieved that he's pulled back, from what you've said about him. He likely has his own issues that he's working through. Sounds like he is attracted to you on one level and likes spending time with you, but I honestly wouldn't waste any more time on this if I were you, this isn't going to go anywhere.

Some of the comments in this thread take my breath away. The guy didn’t agree to have sex so he’s leading her on, must have issues / be embarrassed about his penis size / have erectile dysfunction?
I get that OP feels awkward and am very sympathetic to that, but the comments about the guy are absolutely shocking. It’s okay for him to say no to sex for any reason at all. Some people are paying lip service to this while still implying that there’s something wrong with him. You can sympathise with the OP without blasting the guy for saying no!

Agree

awful thread with some horrible posters.

The thing is, you come across like an all or nothing person. Real life isn’t like that. Surely you’d know that at 33.

I’m younger than you and even I know there’s a difference between finding someone fuckable and wanting a relationship with them.

In your head, you’re assuming him fancying you meant he reciprocated everything you feel about him. Or that physical attraction means he likes the rest of you. The reality probably is that he finds you mildly/ reasonably attractive. You’re probably not the most attractive person to him, given he’s bi, and for whatever reason he wasn’t as into you as you are into him. In the moment he wasn’t into taking it further. His actions aren’t even that odd tbh.

I think you’re just lonely and were putting all your eggs into one basket. But most rational people would have heard a man say he’s bi and stay clear of catching feelings, because he’s into something you can’t give him?

Also if you’re insecure about your appearance now is the time to do something about it surely?

You are not in the wrong n here OP, he is! You are feeling shitty because your delivery was a drunken one and you lost a bit of higher ground.

Picture this; you kissed all night and went home floating. The next day you heard from your friend he had said there was nothing between you and he wasn't interested in anything romantic. You asked him calmly if this was true then why he has led you to believe otherwise?

That would be fine right?

Unfortunately the delivery was messier but you were still justified to be upset with him.

You've messed nothing up. He's a headmelt plain and simple. If you meet him out again in company and he puts moves on you, do not go there. He is someone who courts chaos and manipulation.

If he contacts you and says he'd like to talk then I'd say meet him with an open mind and hear what he has to say.

I just don’t get people who think this. I honestly can’t get my head round it. Snog a guy and that’s it, you need to have sex and a relationship with them.

christ I missed that memo pre marriage, I wouldn’t be able to count or recall all the guys I drunkenly snogged etc, no one told me I had to shag them if they asked and have a relationship with them.

Except as OP has stated multiple times now she did NOT say or think he was wrong for not having sex with her or a relationship.

I bet he’s gay, tried to get turned on by you but realised that he wasn’t or would prefer a man and used you being drunk and work as an excuse.

I think he sounds like a dick, drop him and move on to someone who wants the same as you.

Is it possible that he could tell you weren’t sober and he didn’t want to go home with you on that basis? And given you weren’t sober perhaps your response to him about leading you on was a tad unreasonable? Just talk to him again without alcohol being involved. See what he says. Maybe he’s not that into you or maybe you were being a PITA and didn’t realise!

What a load of old shite FFS!

Well tbh, you have nothing more to lose with him, so I'd probably just send him one last message telling him how much you liked him and apologising if you read the signals wrong and that you would have been happy to take things slower and then just see what he says. I feel like you're the sort of person that needs proper closure and at the moment you don't have that.
Regardless, from what you've said, I don't think you will have to wait long to find somebody who will want romance.

The ' thrill of the hunt' ( for him) maybe ? And now the 'hunt' is over...?