Mother in law keeps calling me fat

I'd be telling her to not so politely shut her mouth. Please stand up for yourself and your daughter. Your husband needs to support you too and tell her to shut it, but I suspect he won't or even if he will, she'll just continue anyway. Time to send MIL packing and out of your house.

I be so tempted to make some passive aggressive comment about her appearance so she knows how it feels. ‘You know, I could comment on your appearance and your age too, but I have enough empathy to know that just because you can say something hurtful doesn’t mean you should’.

She's a knob OP, I know how utterly draining it is having someone constantly talking about your weight while also telling you to eat more. My mum is like this and its honestly just sheer rudeness. Like you say it wouldn't be tolerated the other way around. No idea how to stop it, its so ingrained.

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@Zaina89 Given that this woman thinks it is OK to say it as it is that must give you free rein to be as rude back to her.

Or you could say "if you can't be polite and respectful towards my daughter and me in our own home you can't expect us to show you politeness and respect either"

I think the MiL is in OP's country though so arguably it's for the MiL to integrate.

However, while I think the MiL is in the wrong, she's only in OP's country temporarily and she's not going to adapt to a whole new culture straight away. The suggestion to 'look her in the eye and tell her she's rude' made ma laugh because people who are blunt really won't care about that...

She married into this family and therefore needs to integrate?

What an ugly patriarchal notion. Why didn’t her husband married into her family? Or maybe (just maybe) OP and her H are adults with their own home that get to decide what they to consider acceptable guest behaviour?

anyhow. What I am missing is the husband. Where is he? Why is he not supporting his wife who has repeatedly been reduced to tears? Why is he allowing his mother to make comments about his daughter’s body?

I would have told her to get the fuck out of my house and not to return until she had learned some manners.

If it is Lipodema, weight loss jabs would be a fucking stupid idea.

You need to ask your DH to put down a boundary with your MIL. My DH is from a similar background, they listen to sons and when he’s stepped in with mine it’s been helpful and she has listened

A friend of mine has lipodema and she said mounjaro has helped with some of the pain and swelling. It’s now only really visible if you are familiar with lipodema/you know what to look for and she isnt in trousers. She looks great and didn’t have surgery of course everyone is different and it may be recommended. But could be worth starting with the mounjaro xx

@Zaina89i have lipoedema so I feel your pain. At 93kg though I’d guess you still have a fair amount of ‘normal’ fat in your body which could be lost with diet / exercise. However, this is not the point. You should ask your MIL to stop commenting, especially in front of your daughter as it will cause her immense damage. In terms of getting diagnosed, you can see a surgeon to seek a formal diagnosis and not have surgery. There are a few in the uk, and there are some private doctors who will also offer face to face consultations to diagnose you. There is no cure through unless you do remove it via surgery. You can manage symptoms with compression garments/ MLD therapy and diet but none of them reduce the size of your legs. If surgery is affordable and you are in good health, you should explore that as an option. There are excellent surgeons in Europe who charge half of what you’d pay here. If you use Facebook, search for some support groups and you’ll find a few. Good luck.

I am so sorry op. My dd has been suffering from ED for 3 years now. You need to get this woman out of your house. If your husband goes with her. So be it. It’s not healthy to be around her. Please tell her to fuck off.

Yes I thought I’d read this before. I recognised the OP’s username

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. It sounds awfully hard.

I know how frustrating it is to eat very little and stay active but not lose weight - I was put on medication for an overactive thyroid a few years back that pushed me into underactive and I went through a period where neither a strict 1000-1200 cals a day OR weight loss jabs worked.

It's really disheartening and you have my sympathy.

BUT!

I really think you need to start standing up for yourself more.

You need to tell your MIL FIRMLY that you are eating well and are active and that doctors are looking into the possibility of there being a problem. Once you've told her that, or if she already knows, then I'd tell her that her comments are not, helpful, not welcome and will not be tolerated any more.

I'd also be telling DH he needs to tell his mother to wind her neck in before she gets a slap!

She sounds like a hideous bully and I bet she's hardly a cover model herself.

Sympathy from a fellow ex-eating disorder patient who finds her hips and belly expand with menopause. It's such a massive downer.

Your MIL just sounds completely out of order. Can you talk to your husband? I think you really need him on board. Culture here or there, it's not hard to understand that a constant drumbeat of comments on an intractable health issue is unhelpful, to put it mildly.

And your DH really should be warning his mum off causing his daughter issues! He needs to discover his spine in relation to his family, basically. Blaming his lack of same on 'culture' is just letting him off the hook.

You mention the size of Britain. Think then of the ginormous population squeezed into it!
Circumlocution, even avoidance, when acute personal remarks are considered, helps everyone rub along without each person insisting that she has the right to jab her sharp elbows into her neighbour’s ribs (because she tells it straight/like it is).
There’s tension enough of course, so any existing cultural norms like this are all the more valuable.
Dutch people (for example, in their wide empty spaces) need not worry, politeness is not about to be forced on them by anyone.

Did anyone claim this is the superior way, in fact? But it is the ingrained and expected way among the majority in the country in question, whatever about how French women or Italian counts may view polite restraint.

One more thing, and it should have been first, really.
I wonder do all these foreign plain speakers speak up every time without any malice or desire to cause distress.
I think that any interpersonal practice which would spare a person gratuitous pain, and which is of no significance to ourselves at all anyway, is about kindness and courtesy at this stage, even if there are those who can discern the fell hand of the British Empire somewhere in the whole caboodle.
It’s a disinterested and decent impulse, that’s all.

Ask her once to stop being rude and commenting on your body or your daughter's body.

"I find these comments very rude, not to mention hurtful. I am going to ask you this one time to never do it again. Not to me, not to my daughter. In fact, do not comment on anyone's body in my daughter's presence."

Hold up your hand and say you believe you've been clear if she starts to argue.

Then if she EVER makes another comment tell her to fuck the fuck off. I'm serious, go nuclear.

This is also a problem of how DIL’s can be treated in some families. The problem here is always the DH. As OP said herself if she called MIL or FIL fat her husband would go ballistic because they damn well know they are being arseholes.

DH will basically be the only person that can intervene directly. The MIL/DIL dynamic can be fraught in British families, it’s often much worse in asian families, theres a reflex to sometimes put the DD in “her place”.

How much do you like your DH Op because if this has happened consistently I don’t think I could bear a husband who allows me to be treated badly over and over by his family.

Bloody say something bad! How dare she be rude to you in your own house!! Ask your husband to speak to the rude cow!!!

Your husband is right, she does not mean to hurt you, you are taking offence at her comments because of your own eating disorder history. Explain to her about the tests you are having medically to explore why this is happening, it is definitely unusual. Try not to take her blunt comments personally.

ODFOD.

Sorry - that was not meant for you,
I do apologise.

Tone deaf or what !

Absolutely this. Tell her to pack her stuff up and go home. !

She is right to be concerned; people putting on weight (when eating/exercising well) need help. Despite what some smug people say, it's not a question of everyone overweight is overeating, and just needs some jabs. There are genuine conditions-and yours is one many people had never heard of only 5 years ago. Even doctors sometimes know little about it.
When you care about someone, weight gain OR loss that can't be explained is worrying-and (assuming like most people with that condition, you're eating very little, and no junk) she is understandably worried. Explain the condition and send her some links.