Mother in law keeps calling me fat

Newsflash. We are the centre of the universe in our own homes!

Her MIL is staying in her home, in HER country. SHE can adapt to local cultural norms.

I gained weight after my second pregnancy (mental health issues + Thyroid) .And went from 65kg to 90kg. You wouldn't believe how many times my MIL mentioned this to me, she was literally obsessed by body shaming. Luckily, I am quite tall and hourglass body shape, I lost until 80kg and look amazing - but she still talks about me being fat...

If he doesn't care about your health and well being despite knowing you've struggled with an eating disorder, does he also not care about his child's?! She will likely also end up with an eating disorder if this carries on.

If she was with you for a week I'd say ignore, but she's with you 3-4months a year?! 😱

For me this is a hill i would die on. I would not want my child spoken to like this. If my husband wasn't willing to say something I would. Even if he kicked me out (which is awful that you think he'd do that BTW and shows what sort of man you're dealing with).

Why do you live like this? For yourself and your daughter? It sounds awful.

MIL needs to sling her fucking hook! Tell your DH this.

I don’t get this. Why are you crying as opposed to telling her to stop it?

It honestly doesn’t matter what weight you are - it’s none of her business. She doesn’t have the right to speak to you like that, you aren’t required to justify yourself to her and you certainly shouldn’t let her shit on your daughter that way.

Also, you appear to have a DH problem.

Agree with this.

I am Russian and it is not considered rude to call a big person overweight.

That being said, she is in your house and she needs to know her place. The only problem is, from my understanding, is that you have not put her in her place. Have you told her in a serious manner that her comments are unacceptable and won’t be tolerated in your house? It sounds like you have not.

Instead you are crying upstairs in your own
house, and complaining to your husband quietly while she’s in the next room. This is weak and I suspect she recognises this in you character, and this fuels her with confidence you speak to you in this manner. You need to accept some responsibility for this as you are being passive. Cultural differences need to be taken into account, she most likely does not understand the impact this is having on you. Get off the internet, sit the woman down and calmly remind her who’s house this is, and who is the guest.

@Zaina89 This is awful.
Given your medical history, she is literally damaging your mental health..

I can't imagine anyone telling a pregnant woman she needs to work on her weight when you were not eating enough.
This is just abuse.
Please speak to your GP. or Women's Aid and ask for help. They may know of organisations which understand the constraints you are operating under.

Your DH's attitude to this is shocking.

I don't think you owe this woman any deference. I would just stop having any but the bare minimum of conversation with her and spend as much time as possible (with dd) out of the house and away from her until she leaves.

Absolutely agree...sit down with her and tell her not to make unkind personal remarks about your shape and that of your daughter. Be very assertive and stop giving her so much power to hurt you also your DH needs to say the same. Hope she is going back home soon.

There isn't a test to diagnose lipedema unfortunately. Diagnosis is achieved more by ruling other conditions out. I went private through insurance and had several tests to check my veins and limphatic system, then I was diagnosed by a cardiovascular surgeon.

Depends though. If this house (and OP’s origin?) is in GB for instance, then (if we are actually going to argue the case like that, since you have brought up integration) it behoves DH and his objectionable mother to bear in mind very basic rules of politeness according the dominant culture, rather than their own apparently divergent one.
That’s a fundamental if tacit requirement of residents and citizens with other cultural roots, and can be transposed as an ideal to a family home where one of the couple is of that culture; there’s no reason why she is the partner who must radically alter her behaviour and outlook!
MIL should not be encouraged in her determination to ignore the rules of engagement in her DIL’s country.

That isn’t any kind of imperialism, merely how any sane society (or family) operates best. Naturally, populations are diverse and blended, but I reiterate, it is not culturally insensitive or worse to expect everyone in it to observe fundamental rules.
(In a household then, it’s reasonable for the householder to operate a ‘no shoes’ policy, or indeed ‘no smoking’ policy. That isn’t flexing chauvinistic muscle or threatening the human autonomy of her guests, is it?)

If she has lipodoema/lymphoedema these will be of no help whatsoever.

It sounds from what Op has said, that she has a weight issue. The Lipodema (if any) is quite likely to be a parallel issue.

I’d go absolutely nuclear at mil and DH. All comments and insults stop now. Is she staying in your home? This is a medical condition that’s under active investigation (and even if it wasn’t she needs to learn some manners). I don’t care one jot about cultural differences; no one should be forced to accept insults or jibes. The comparison between SIL and whoever are not helpful.

I hope you and your daughter go out for a nice manicure or whatever to get some respite from this toxic environment.

No. Lipedema is not parallel. Lipedema is THE main issue. If you have lipedema your lipedemic fat can only be removed by suction. Then specific massage

Lipedema tends to be found in the legs and glutes. Mainly. It cannot be removed by wegovy or weight loss or exercise

In my culture it's traditional to smack insulting people in the mouth.

Have you told her you have a medical condition and it’s not like normal fat?

Honestly I’d have told her not to be so rude to me in my own home.

I'm fat, mostly down to developing bad coping mechanisms throughout childhood trauma. I don't get offended by the word fat, it's a correct physical description and not much different to saying I have green eyes. Try to be as healthy as you can be and give shots back if people are trying to put you down. Tell her she's getting wrinkly 😆 but most of all don't attach your self worth to your physical appearance because it can and will change as you age. Looking good is all fine and well but you're not an ornament and looking good isn't the same as being a decent person.

it's not "cuntiness"

Other cultures believe the worst thing is being hypocritical and pretend you don't see something, or pretend that's it's acceptable.

You might not like it, but it doesn't make you right and them wrong.
Different ways to look at things.

Why are people so offended by the word "fat".

11 isn’t soon… it’s the exact average age for a first period in the UK. 8 is soon, 7 is precocious.

Tbh, I think that the UK is in the minority when it comes to the social norm of not commenting on weight. In other cultures it’s normal. Even the French do this.

So in those cultures it’s more polite to make someone dealing with a health condition and with a previous eating disorder cry because she cannot make her body smaller due to her medical condition? And to go on about it day after day when you’re a guest in that persons home?

Tell her 'you are so rude, shut your mouth or fuck off'. That'll do the trick one way or the other.

I have lipodema, I am also fat as well, I am on mounjaro and it has shifted a LOT of the excess fluid, not all of it but a significant amount.

it's not the drama some people make it here. And because it's not such a drama, people don't tend to be fat.

All of the culture and medical issues aside, she is a guest in your home and should not be making cruel, unnecessary comments to you - the host. I would throw her out on the spot.

Correct. And yet Britain that believe their modern politically correct social norms are more superior than most of the world, despite the fact the UK is a tiny island and they’re in the minority.

As a Russian who has lived in several European countries before the UK, other nationalities say what they see. Personally I find hiding and crying in one’s bedroom in your own house because you’re not direct enough to put the guest in their rightful place, a bigger character flaw than someone factually acknowledging someone is overweight. The woman is acting like a guest in her own house.