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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to wonder why anyone posts on Mumsnet asking for advice anymore?

113 replies

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 21/09/2026 17:27

Genuine question.

I read so many threads where someone posts because they're upset, worried, confused or just looking for another perspective, and within a handful of replies someone has managed to tell them they're selfish, pathetic, controlling, attention-seeking, a terrible parent/partner or generally defective in some way.

Obviously if you post on a public forum you can't expect everyone to agree with you, and sometimes people genuinely do need to hear that they're being unreasonable. That's the whole point of AIBU.

But there's a difference between being honest and just being unkind and completely unpleasant.

Sometimes the OP hasn't even said anything particularly controversial and people seem to actively search for the least charitable interpretation possible. Then others pile on and before you know it the poor OP is defending something they didn't actually say in the first place.

I've genuinely read threads and thought why on earth would anyone come back and ask for advice after seeing how some posters get spoken to?

Surely it's possible to tell someone they're being unreasonable without making them feel like an absolute piece of shit?

YABU - some posters need taking down a peg or two and I'll continue being harsh to the point of being unpleasant

YANBU - I'd never post in AIBU because of the unpleasant replies

OP posts:
OsfameronTanamoril · 21/09/2026 17:29

There are many forums other than AIBU. I post there asking for advice. It's been fine .

GoodForce · 21/09/2026 17:29

The immediate rush to tell the OP that they are wrong and nitpick at them, it is really quite tedious.

Itchonneck · 21/09/2026 17:30

It’s mainly on AIBU

And if you ask people if you’re being unreasonable or not… be prepared for posters to say “Hell Yes!!! You’re being unreasonable for XYZ”

Itchonneck · 21/09/2026 17:31

I was on your sofa thread! Please update @AMurderofMurderingCrows … any joy selling? Sorry to derail

Batties · 21/09/2026 17:31

You said Mumsnet in your title and AIBU in your post. Which do you mean?

joelcreasey · 21/09/2026 17:32

Agreed

the phrase ‘you sound grabby/entitled’ is SO tedious and of no use whatsoever to anyone. I have no idea why anyone would type it, it’s spiteful and unhelpful.

Batties · 21/09/2026 17:32

Some people just can’t cope with being told they are being unreasonable.

Batties · 21/09/2026 17:33

joelcreasey · 21/09/2026 17:32

Agreed

the phrase ‘you sound grabby/entitled’ is SO tedious and of no use whatsoever to anyone. I have no idea why anyone would type it, it’s spiteful and unhelpful.

What would you write if someone was being grabby or entitled?

OsfameronTanamoril · 21/09/2026 17:37

Batties · 21/09/2026 17:31

You said Mumsnet in your title and AIBU in your post. Which do you mean?

Yes. MN is more than AIBU.

Itchonneck · 21/09/2026 17:38

joelcreasey · 21/09/2026 17:32

Agreed

the phrase ‘you sound grabby/entitled’ is SO tedious and of no use whatsoever to anyone. I have no idea why anyone would type it, it’s spiteful and unhelpful.

What is being spiteful surely is being “grabby”?

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 21/09/2026 17:45

Itchonneck · 21/09/2026 17:31

I was on your sofa thread! Please update @AMurderofMurderingCrows … any joy selling? Sorry to derail

Hello 👋 thanks for asking. I have decided to keep them and bought some fabulous pink and green Rocket St George cushions and green knitted M&S throws x

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 21/09/2026 17:45

I agree, OP, some of the replies do seem to be very harsh. Even if someone IS (in my eyes) being very unreasonable, there are nicer ways of saying it.

But if an OP has done a massive drip feed which totally alters the situation, and makes the first round of responses totally irrelevant, then the gloves are off!!!

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 21/09/2026 17:47

@Batties @OsfameronTanamoril I suppose I mean AIBU but I've also seen it on chat, S&B and relationships. I do appreciate that other parts of mumsnet like the specialist boards are much nicer.

OP posts:
pointythings · 21/09/2026 17:48

AIBU is awful for this, but other places are not. I'm part of a long running series of threads on the Alcohol board, offering advice for people with alcoholic partners/parents/children. All of us have lived experience. We don't snipe, we don't scold people for things they do or don't do. We just offer support. There are other places similar.

OsfameronTanamoril · 21/09/2026 17:48

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 21/09/2026 17:45

Hello 👋 thanks for asking. I have decided to keep them and bought some fabulous pink and green Rocket St George cushions and green knitted M&S throws x

😂

pointythings · 21/09/2026 17:49

OsfameronTanamoril · 21/09/2026 17:48

😂

I just wanted to say as one Diana Wynne Jones fan to another that I love your username!

tuntree · 21/09/2026 17:51

OsfameronTanamoril · 21/09/2026 17:29

There are many forums other than AIBU. I post there asking for advice. It's been fine .

Genuine question here, are there?

Facebook (groups) aren’t anonymous and I posted once in Reddit but I’m shouting into the wind as none of my replies are visible!

menopausalmare · 21/09/2026 17:51

The Op usually gets accused of being privileged and told to go and 'educate yourself'.

Thecatspantaloons · 21/09/2026 17:51

It really depends though, for example if the person has had something bad happen to them but mentioned that the perpetrators were foreign/ LGBTQ/ disabled another race whatever, something irrelevant to the bad thing then some posters will be all over that.

Then you either double down or apologise, but it's already too late because the derailing has already happened and loads don't read OP updates.

Basically don't post if you are really fragile and your problem is contentious .

Fizzink38 · 21/09/2026 17:51

Mmm - I think, like a lot of social media spaces, Mumsnet has become more polarised and some posters forget they are talking to real people who are struggling. Posts get repeatedly derailed and I've noticed that there are far more posts deleted by MN.
There are certainly issues in my life that I've struggled with that I would never post about here because they are kind of 'red flag' topics that I know would provoke an unhelpful and aggressive response from some posters.

OnlyUsername · 21/09/2026 17:53

tuntree · 21/09/2026 17:51

Genuine question here, are there?

Facebook (groups) aren’t anonymous and I posted once in Reddit but I’m shouting into the wind as none of my replies are visible!

Not other sites, other forums on here. Relationships, Education, even Chat.

NameChangeScot · 21/09/2026 17:53

Especially these days when you can ask chat gpt and it'll validate your feelings and give some helpful, practical advice!
Yes I know everybody doesn't want to talk to a machine, but if you're looking for 'be kind' then Mumsnet is not it.

concertinacornflake · 21/09/2026 17:54

NameChangeScot · 21/09/2026 17:53

Especially these days when you can ask chat gpt and it'll validate your feelings and give some helpful, practical advice!
Yes I know everybody doesn't want to talk to a machine, but if you're looking for 'be kind' then Mumsnet is not it.

chatGPT is not real though - lots of people want human connection not just AI regurgitation.

OnlyUsername · 21/09/2026 17:55

Thecatspantaloons · 21/09/2026 17:51

It really depends though, for example if the person has had something bad happen to them but mentioned that the perpetrators were foreign/ LGBTQ/ disabled another race whatever, something irrelevant to the bad thing then some posters will be all over that.

Then you either double down or apologise, but it's already too late because the derailing has already happened and loads don't read OP updates.

Basically don't post if you are really fragile and your problem is contentious .

There is a list of Dos and Don'ts.

For example - do not call a woman over 18 a "girl". Don't mention that someone who shouted at you in a shop was elderly. If you are a woman and talking about your wife, say so, or posters will assume you are a man and therefore wrong.

NameChangeScot · 21/09/2026 17:57

concertinacornflake · 21/09/2026 17:54

chatGPT is not real though - lots of people want human connection not just AI regurgitation.

Yes, I acknowledged that in my post..."I know everybody doesn't want to talk to a machine" 🙄

But if people are looking for validation and helpful advice then they'll get it from a chat bot!