To feel jealous of the dog

I don’t think his behaviour is a preference for the dog rather the dog is a distraction from engaging with you . It sounds like you live as lodgers rather than life partners . Councilling is only useful if you both want it.

You are micro- managing his wake up time. That is so irritating. Don’t you see that? Numerous people have pointed it out.

It doesn’t matter what we say.

This is a poisonous marriage comprising two people who hate each other. They won’t separate. They won’t divorce. What will happen is that at the first opportunity their children will move out. And they won’t return for Christmas etc because they know that by then - their parents alone in the house together all day every day - the atmosphere will be so dark and poisonous as to be almost murderous

Micro-managing his wake up time… or trying to get the lazy, self-centred husband out of bed to pick up the slack on his side re the family’s activities?
Sounds like the latter to me.

Yes, the home environment must be horrific for them.

Sorry OP, I think he’s completely checked out of family life. You need to start protecting your future. What’s the financial setup? Do you have a good idea of his finances as it sounds like he would get very nasty very quickly.

I think you both as a couple are not compatible in anyway and it's time to tell him this I wouldn't be impressed whatsoever if someone opened the curtains at that time to be honest I'd be pretty annoyed regardless of having to get up he's a grown man ffs

But didn't he need to get dressed in that room? Surely curtains aren't opened until you are up, have showered and are dressed?

And regardless, he's an adult, he gets to decide when he gets up and how much time he needs, not you. You're not his mother.

Don't me wrong, he's still an asshole. You were just wrong to open the curtains

OP, this is not a typical experience of marriage in my experience but that isn't as important as the question of whether you want your home life to be like this. You should have a life that brings you joy, and I'm not sensing much of that in your post.

You say you never argue but if I have read this correctly, didn't he tell you to shut up in no uncertain terms over an observation you made about motorcycles in the street? That would be the start of a huge row if my husband spoke to me like that. He absolutely wouldn't. I wonder if you have been existing like this for so long you have become a bit numb to the atmosphere. I think that could happen when you've had children or dogs to focus on. It sounds like you have focussed on the kids and him on the dog.

I am really sorry you are in this situation. Do you think he will agree to relationship counselling? I'm not sure he's going to give it his best shot, from what you've written.

I can imagine a lovely future for you where you play your piano without headphones amidst the musical clutter he is objecting to in a home free of dog hair, go to bed when you want and get up early, and he watches motor racing with the beloved dog but two separate houses seem key to this. You sound fundamentally incompatible and not very keen on each other. So sorry, OP. You both sound unhappy and it seems a shame to me. Hope you find a way forward.

How can you say there are no arguments when upthread you said
I was just trying to avoid him shouting and swearing at DS for not getting up on time
that is not a harmonious household .

I would see a solicitor to find out what would happen when you divorce. When you know what will happen and have a plan, who lives where, can you afford a house, you can present it to him. He might promise a complete change and it's worth you trying to stay together but otherwise you need to split up.

I think you said one chid was ND so probably so is DH, possibly autistic.

The other option is just to stay together but live separate lives but you get a regular cleaner, buy in easy to cook meals, start some new hobbies, get out and about and make new friends. Whilst he sits in his man cave - oh, and get separate beds if not separate bed rooms.

Dont blame the dog.
The entire problem lies with you and your DH.
You have nothing in common and he doesn't want to be around you. Divorce or separation are the only solutions if what you have described is true.
I think you'd both be happier apart.
PS I'd be totally pissed off if my partner decided to throw open the curtains while I was sleeping.. WHATEVER the time of day. And your dismissal of your DH's grief when his previous dog died suggests you are not exactly empathetic either.

I am speechless that you can say this with a straight face.

You children will be acutely aware that their parents despise one another and the tension must be too thick too cut with a knife

Leave him and protect your child from seeing what a relationship should not look like. The both of you are doing that poor child no favours whatsoever. Your husband sounds like he's at the end of his tether over your mess, noise, thoughtlessness (regarding the curtain opening) and you're annoyed at his lack of anything to do with you. This is embedded resentment on both sides so time for one of you to be the adult and start talking divorce.

Don't think he likes you at all.

I couldn't mark you are, or aren't being unreasonable as I feel strongly different for different parts 😂

Opening the curtains whilst he's still asleep - well I'd be grumpy with you too. In fact I'd probably turn the bedroom lights on when your asleep just to make the point!

Going to see the dog first, we do that in my house. Hubby and I aren't 13 and can wait 10 minutes to see each other. The dogs, on the other hand, are like excitable toddlers and it's more practical to let them get the excitement out of their system saying a quick hello and letting them out, then to ask the other how was their day.

The teenager... He's 15 so needs to be more responsible for himself, set an alarm. But also, why is it hubby's fault to set him a bedtime? Your his parent too?

Dog hair everywhere can't be helped and it isn't really embarrassing in photos or of someone came, it's not germy or smelly, but if it annoys you, agree to vac daily. So I guess it depends what you are leaving messy everywhere like is it dirty food plates and washing, or more like pens?! But him dumping all the kids stuff in your office is not on, they are his responsibility as much as yours.

Because it was time to get up for football.

This. I would never mind someone opening the curtains to wake me up when I needed to get up. It's quiet a gentle way to wake up, better than an alarm or artificial light or being shaken awake!

It's not for you to police the curtain opening time.
I can get ready in 15 minutes if needed, so someone opening curtains 45 minutes early would annoy me.

It shows your character that PP have mentioned this a few times, and your response is to justify it.

It's also not great that you have to ask 're everything else. He's just not that into you anymore sadly.

But did he ASK you to help him with this? It seems not. Leave him to deal with the consequences of his own choices and then he might make better ones. It’s not up to you to forcibly wake up a grown ass man unless he asks for your help.

Because he has to leave the house with the kid at 8.15 so sounds very reasonable to me

But he's an adult. He doesn't need OP to wake him up. If he oversleeps, he can handle the consequences.

To be fair, she doesn’t seem to like him either. Rather, she has total contempt for him,