To tell my mum I’m not taking her on holiday again?

How often has Dm been away recently - she probably never thought about being on her own. I don't get why that is such an issue for her - if you can't get around easily just sit and look at your phone or people watch.
Possibly she has found it a bit unnerving being alone in a crowd, hence the needing company - she probably didn't think of this any more than you did.

But who want's to go on holiday to sit around - it is selfish of her imv to inflict that on you.

I understand. It's tough to juggle. My mum is widowed and it has massively affected her confidence, she was so used to my dad being in charge of stuff (including holidays) she feels she can't do things on her own even though objectively she's perfectly able. She's capable of tons on her home ground, with her, under her own steam, but as soon as I'm there to lean on, or shes away from home, it's like a huge relief to defer everything to me and she is way less independant.

I don't have the same situation as you with kids etc, but with my mum now it works better to go on shorter/less frequent holidays with her just her and me, rather than combine her into my "main" holidays or trips. I can enjoy myself on holidays with her and we can have a lovely time, but only if it's just her and me. If I try to combine her with my partner or other family it's about 10x less enjoyable.

I wouldn’t tell her there are no future holidays as such. I would just book next years and not tell her. And next September say ‘Ooh we’ve booked Corfu, got a last minute deal’.

I don't think you need to tell her directly that you don't want to go with her again, but maybe you could say next year (or whenever) "Why don't we go away for a long weekend somewhere - you choose where" and then just the two of you could go together. I've got adult kids with children and I wouldn't expect to do everything they do, but your mum seems to want that - if she does, then she needs a holiday just with you.

After a disastrous two weeks in Majorca with my husband, my parents and three kids under 5 including a 3 month old baby I can honestly say that the only way I ever did anything again with my parents was by laying down fairly strict boundaries… and it was 15 years before I did that.

So, my father lives alone too. He needs support outside his home but just fine at home! I think she has realised the extent of support her mother requires outside her home. Many elderly people cope well at home with adaptations but struggle outside, finding it challenging. It’s no one’s fault. It happened and now OP realises that her mum expects more help on holidays.

OP's mother is not elderly though.

63 is not elderly.

However, it means the holiday needs to be catered for everyone needs

how would that work if one person does not want to do anything though? How does that cater to everyone else's needs?

Many elderly people cope well at home with adaptations but struggle outside, finding it challenging

63 isn't elderly, its still working age.

While there’s still plenty of life left for most people at 63, aging will still have set in for the vast majority and created a very different physical reality than their children and grandchildren will be facing. This will likely be exacerbated by mobility problems that aren’t age related.

Surely it's your husband's responsibility to be at his mun's beck and call? Why is it you who is expected to spend every moment of the day with her? The inheritance will be left to your husband, not you.

Your siblings have the right idea refusing to go on holiday with your mum. Why do you feel that you need to step up and do it?

They both sound utterly selfish and toxic. I'd gladly leave them both behind.

63 is not that old , what’s her diagnosis? If it’s not Dementia etc why does she need someone checking her medication? Especially if she can do it at home. If she can get to the bar when she wants to it sounds like she’s being needy. It doesn’t sound like a holiday for any of you. If she doesn’t like the sand she can’t expect the rest of you not to enjoy it on a beach type holiday. What are you checking menus for? Can she read ? Sounds like she’s become totally dependent on you .

Can’t leave her alone ? She manages at home ? And can get herself to the bar alone when she wants to ? Your Father is blind so totally different situation . OP is not her Carer .

63 is working age not elderly 😮 and this lady nips to the bar alone when others are upstairs in the room 😂 so hardly needs 1 to 1 constant supervision .

I’ve just come back from a family holiday with my mum, I mean my mum can do stuff for herself though, but had she of not been able to I would of for sure said this is what we’re doing, I will be going out with the kids alone etc, and if you’re ok with that then fine, but I will be doing that

as it turns out we’ve done things with her and she’s done her own things too

I cared for my mum for years until she died of cancer. She felt bad that she needed help and she was always worrying about my dc and thanking me. My MIL was the same. She was dying but kept saying she was fine and not to worry. Your mum sounds very moany and difficult - her comment to the stranger was absolutely disgraceful. She sounds selfish and rude.

No need to announce she won’t be coming to spoil any further holidays. Just go without her.

OP has already established that her mother has some mobility issues. It still doesn't make her elderly. She is independent and manages fine. The 60-65 year olds I know are all still working full time.

she has mobility problems but is independent and normally manages herself

she can manage when I’m not there

she can manage when I’m not thereshe is quite capable

mum normally sorts her own medication at home. that’s another reason I’ve found it strange that she’s wanted me to do it here

I really relate to this - independent and capable older family member who wants to be looked after on holiday, which is so exhausting! I have a child with health needs so would be sorting everything out for him and making sure all accommodations were made. Would finally get to sit down for dinner and a glass of wine ages after everyone else and she would immediately ask me to do the same for her (she didn't need the same accommodations, she just wanted to feel like she was also getting some special treatment). It's just hard on holiday to feel like you have to look after everyone else, especially when their needs are in conflict and you're wondering when you might get to lie on a sunlounger with a cocktail and a book and switch off worrying about other people!

This ^
just never do it again, don’t discuss a holiday with her any more. Because if you asked she might say that next time she would behave differently but in reality she wouldn’t.
I know what you are taking about. Taking her on holiday didn’t stop you being mother yourself - your kids needed attention and it was a holiday for you as well. On a group holiday everybody should give and take but by the sound of your posts your mum didn’t get it.

I started taking my mum on staycations after Covid. But one year we decided to go abroad and it was terrible. She wouldn’t eat the same as us and caused arguemneta. That was the last time she ever went away with us. I wouldn’t tell her you’re not doing holidays together as that will sour the relationship but tell her after you’ve booked the next one.

I wouldn’t tell her it’s the last one, just book to go as a family next year and if she mentions it you can gently say you felt it didn’t work well last year. Any kind of conversation about it now will lead to hurt and recriminations as it is all very fresh.

We had an awful city break with my mil when both children were small, it was plainly clear to all of us that we were never going to go away with her again and we haven’t. We’ve never spoken about it!

You don't need to tell her you aren't going on holiday with her again. Just don't go on holiday with her again.

You don’t need to say anything, just don’t do it again.

You don't sound like a particularly close or loving family.