To tell my mum I’m not taking her on holiday again?

my 18 year old

It's difficult and could have done with a very clear expectation setting conversation before you you booked it, e.g. 'we're planning to do x beach days with the kids and I know it's not your thing so will you be happy chilling by the pool/in the bar?' But as these things often are, it only becomes obvious with hindsight!

Just in case it makes you feel better, we took my mum on two holidays to Greece where we paid for everything, flights, accommodation, meals etc and just asked her to bring a bit of spending money in case she wanted to buy a few things. She had her own apartment, balcony etc. We'd agreed in advance that we would have a couple of nights (out of 14) where we'd go out as a couple and she'd have dinner on her own at the restaurant next to the hotel. She loved this and said she felt like Shirley Valentine. However I found out from another guest that she'd been complaining to other guests that we'd left her on her own! I asked her why she'd said that and she said she didn't know 'it just slipped out'. (The actual reason is that she loves playing the martyr and having people feel sorry for her.)

We also went on holiday with my husband's parents (again, we paid etc). They didn't want to leave the hotel EVER but they also didn't want to be left there together as they didn't really enjoy each others company. We tried doing a few things but they'd just have a face on them all day so we ended up not bothering and staying at the hotel as it was easier.

I'm still glad I did those holidays as there were some good times, my mum is now very unwell and my in laws died so it's nice having those memories and we (me and husband) can laugh about it now.

But I feel your pain when you're in the middle of it!

She’s sounds exceptionally selfish. My 88 year old grandparents would be embarrassed to be this needy. Mobility issues for a usually independent person does not equal infirm with a live in nurse when on holiday.
I think you need to practice saying no.

Just don't do it again. My mother was like this when she was widowed at 55. Suddenly an old person who needed looking after. My sister and I tried to bring her on our family holidays but she moaned about everything and made everyone miserable. She was queen of the whole 'Don't bother about me 'martyr act combined with sulking and if that didn't work guilting us with histrionics about my father being dead. So we stopped. Encourage her to go with friends.

We are in our late 60s. Both of us have health problems; and I don’t like stairs or uneven ground, after falling downstairs and breaking my ankle.

We have just been to a Greek island for 2 weeks. The hotel had metal ramps for the odd step round the hotel, and rooms on the ground floor. It was about 30 degrees every day. We hired a car, and went out birdwatching half a day (DH’s big hobby), then a drink and toilet in a cafe to cool down, and sight seeing in the afternoon - maybe sitting on a different beach every day. We went back to the hotel about 5 pm to cool down. DH went out birdwatching for another couple of hours, while I had a swim and lay on a sun lounger by the pool. Then we went for dinner in the village.

Most people in the hotel were older than us. Had I wanted too, I could have got chatting to the other guests around the pool side bar. Usually the last day, I spend on my own reading by the pool, while DH goes off birdwatching all day.

I can’t see why OP’s DM couldn’t spend some time on her own (my idea of bliss) or chat to other guests? We take a carrier bag of our meds, and we sort them out ourselves every day!

My mum had Alzheimer’s and I ended up being her carer. I got a lot of sympathy and comments about her declining health etc. But what people didn’t realise was that I had been my mum’s emotional crutch for years. Everyone thought she was ‘marvellous’. And she was. But any time I was around, she was like a helpless child. She would come to our house and just sit there, then talk in a babyish voice about being ‘all alone’ any time I had to go and do something. Like make the dinner. DP really pandered to her and she thought the sun shone out of his arse😂 But she was like this from her mid fifties on. Just completely helpless around me, as if it was her turn to be the child. I can see a kind of logic in that, even though I don’t agree with it or like it, but a happy medium would have been nice. One where I could do some stuff for her and she would still behave like a capable adult. I’ll be 60 next year and can’t imagine being so needy around my children in the coming years.

Edited for typo.

As it is the end of the holiday I would suggest you continue to bite your tongue.
Please don't fret about making an announcement re future holidays. If she brings the subject up, simply say next time Mum, it'll just be us so that I can relax as well.

Think OP is getting a rough time.

I think your DM has been unfair, my DM wouldn’t go away as genuinely can’t move around BUT if we took her she would say, go ahead I’m fine, get me a bottle of water, sit me close to toilets, take me back to the balcony, enjoy your holiday. I think your DM has been a bit selfish. She can’t keep up, she’s along for parts of the holidays not the whole holiday! She’s lucky you’ve taken her.

DD goes to the beach with DH I didn’t go every time and vice versa. Take a book, relax, talk to other people.

No I wouldn’t take her again in your shoes, not if she needs 24 hour care.

This will blow your mind- we have a similar gap AND my husband is the same age as OP's mum. How very silly

I think the issue with your DM is deeper than the holiday, might be a psychological more than anything else. Maybe feeling left out, or not needed. My mum is similar unfortunately, has some health issues, is only in her early 60s but keeps going on how she "hasn't got much left", and generally more needy than she should be. I dont have any advice to offer bust sending my sympathy

I’m a wheelchair user and I’d have found your idea of a holiday crap tbh.

Your mum said she wanted to spend and watch her grand children enjoy themselves during a hols and you were exoecting her to be happy to spend the evening on her own so you could do things wo her.

I’m disabled and, whikst I dint agree with the methods tge OP’s mum used to avoid staying in her own, I would have had an isdue with a hols organised around tge dcs with little thought given to me and my mobility issues.

Its all great to say ‘let’s spend tge hols together’ but if that means you’re, by default, excluded from the group, it’s not much fun, enjoyable or anything.

And I dint have any ‘emotional issues’. If anything I’m too worried of being a burden and cope on my own even though I should ask for help and support.

The amount of people on this thread who would dread spending some time on their own is a real eye opener to me. I had no idea some adults can't cope on their own or know how to entertain themselves for a few hours.

YANBU to never take her in a family holiday again.

If she suggests going again telling her they don’t seem to be working seems reasonable. Maybe say you all have different priorities for a holiday.

If she asks why you think that I would probably remind her she said she spent £700 to feel like a burden and if she pushes it say you didn’t have a good time either and the rest of the family really felt it too.

if you can afford it, going away with her for a weekend or two would be a good compromise. But I wouldn’t put your other holiday plans on hold to afford it. You look after your mum, you need respite. Don’t pour you money and joy into a bottomless well.

Not a surprise to me one bit. We must move in different circles.

Communication works both ways

I think she’s been quite silly to think you were all going to go on holiday to Majorca and not want to go to the beach at some point. But maybe you needed to spell that out to her more clearly.

Goodness she’s only 63 !
I am a similar age , no way would I expect any of my daughters to be looking after me .
In fact I’m still looking after my youngest adult daughter ( she has disabilities)
If I was on a holiday or a break away with them and felt I didn’t want to or couldn’t take part in some activities then I’d be happy reading or sat people watching in a cafe

^^^ This. No need for drama!

I think it's quite possible that cognitive changes could happen years or even decades before dementia is diagnosed.

My Great Aunt had dementia but for many years before she would talk about depressing maudlin stories when the little kids weren't around. She would smile and fuss the kids when they were there but straight back to who had died and how awfully (many years ago) when they weren't. We didn't know it at the time but with hindsight I think her cognition was already affected by dementia.

You don't get to have another opportunity to share your children's childhood. You don't get the playing on the beach, running into the sea etc, time back. Hopefully everyone's mother will die, because no decent mother wants to bury her child. That doesn't mean sacrifice on the part of the child.
I'm not far off your Mum's age. I holidayed with my adult children and grandchildren. I took a book and enjoyed time reading and relaxing. I've dropped a friend (59) who tries to turn everyone into her daily carer. It's ongoing, it's exceptionally selfish and self absorbed. I do agree that a bit more thought should have went into the location and expectations before booking. It sounds as though she needed somewhere flat with mobility scooter hire. Or a day time activity programme. Everyone has to make or find their own entertainment.

You are not being unreasonable.

I holidayed twice with my late mother and her sister (my aunt). We did things together because organising was left to me. They paid for themselves. We're talking around 15 years ago when I vowed never again. My aunt now drops hints about us holidaying together. It's a non-starter because I like to fly, she hates it.

Holidaying with a close relative needs a lot of groundwork beforehand to avoid the situation you've found yourself in. It doesn't need a long explanation at the moment, just let the dust settle. Maybe your mother will decide for herself that a future holiday would not work.

I disagree.
You can enjoy your time with your children AND your mum together. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. I’ve done that many times with my own dcs and my parents. It’s great for everyone.

However, it means the holiday needs to be catered for everyone needs - not a beach where someone with mobility issues can’t go.
And there lies the problem. The OP thought her mum would just make herself smaller and ‘not a burden’. She thought she was doing her mum a favour by inviting her but also exoecting her to not be with them all of the time. All wo talking to her about her expectations. (Clearly her mum was supposed to be a mind reader).

fwiw personally anyone who invites me on a ‘family’ holiday but expects me to sit on the sides, in my own, whikst everyone eise enjoys themselves can get lost. I’ve done it many times. Too many times. I wouldn’t accept that. We either travel together or not.

I think you've discovered in real time that someone's capabilities at home, in their own place, with things set up in ways that suits them are different to what they can do somewhere new and different and not set up for them.

No more holidays like this one together.

Worth pointing out that the beach issue isn't simply about accessibility but also the presence of sand. I can buy that nobody realised how hard it would be for her to access this particular beach, but DM has gone into a beach holiday knowing full well how she feels about sand. She wasn't going to be happy going to a beach even if there were no mobility problems at all.