How would you have handled this? SEND toddler in community centre.

If you really want to know, I used to use a standard response. To everyone and anyone who commented, looked at me, made a face or whispered. I would turn around and say (most often shout) “ok, you are obviously a wonderful parent. Tell me how I’m doing it wrong.” And I would wait for the person to either slink away or in one older lady’s case, she came over and started trying to talk to my son. Then she suggested I “just belt him” at which point I said that belting her hasn’t made her a better person so maybe she would be better off taking her 1950s parenting and piss off.
Not my finest moment, but with an SEND child, you develop thick skin.
My kids are now 12 and 8, and meltdowns in public are rare, but any we do have I just look around and say “well this is what Autism looks like sometimes” and just crack on.

Makes no difference to me as i now can’t use them anyway as they’re too noisy.

but people always say to go to a library if people say they need quiet - my point is that they aren’t quiet any more.

My child is grown up. We would prioritise this young family because we know the harder path they are walking. I think we disagree rather than I don’t understand your position. It’s ok. Different people with different life experiences often come to wildly different conclusions.

I didn't say I personally would judge them, I said some people would. Which I think is true - parents of SEN kids often say they feel judged when they're out in public with their children. But if you don't feel judged, then that's great :)

ETA: in fact post I was responding to said "Parents of SEND kids are constantly being judged and encountering people who consider our children to be badly behaved due to our feckless parenting." I was agreeing with that point.

We get either sympathetic faces, or unfortunately - they’re intimidated.

He’s lost his “aw bless him!” factor now he’s nearly 5 foot and 9 stone. I don’t think he just gets less compassion, he gets a far wider berth.

If anything, we get judged for dealing with his behaviour, because it now involves hauling him rather than just moving him. Fairly difficult to watch and people assume we’re being too firm/too physical.

I just think that, in our case, because he’s older people seem to assume that he genuinely doesn’t know better, or else he wouldn’t still be doing it.

Because you come to it as a SEN parent I guess. I get how it’s different.

I spent 50 years undiagnosed and found the reason for my issues eventually - I stupidly thought that people would give me a little leeway but no, I’m expected to just deal with stuff.

I’m understand as I have it, but do you not understand why others with the same condition. could have been distressed?

There is no right or wrong answer but it isn’t unreasonable for someone to mention there was an issue.

They may as well, frankly, as they are totally unusable these days.

We all have to deal with stuff. It sounds like it is harder for you to behave in an inclusive way than it might be for someone without your disability. It’s rare though to be able to help someone else and not have it impact you in some way or other.

Harder for me to behave in an inclusive way? Seriously?

What the fuck? Have I read that wrong?

I DO deal with it, I wouldn’t speak up in that situation and I never have, despite desperately wanting to sometimes.

What do you think I should do in that situation to be more ‘inclusive’? Is leaving the space inclusive? Is sitting there in distress inclusive? Should I make sure that nobody notices I am having an issue?

I really hope I have misunderstood your post.

I don’t expect anyone to help me because it doesn’t happen. So I have to deal with it as well as I can. Are you saying I should also do something to be more inclusive, as I would like to know what that would look like.

And how are ND people less inclusive than NT people? Is your child less inclusive?

Definitely.

He doesn’t care about anyone as much as he cares about himself.

He’s intrinsically self interested, he has zero empathy, predominantly because of his needs.

Well I would think that you as a SEN parent would understand that all ND people are different and that people shouldn’t discriminate by assuming things that may not be true.

If I was intrinsically selfish, I would try to insist that people did what I needed. I don’t. I go out of my way to take responsibility for avoiding triggers if possible so as not to cause a problem with other people.

I think it would be nice for my disability considered sometimes but I’m old enough to understand that’s not very realistic.

Please explain how I could be more inclusive and less selfish as you clearly think that I am someone who is intolerant, and presumably lacking empathy

I don’t?

You asked how ND people are less inclusive, and if that applied to our children. I answered that yes it does, and this is how.

Just like with my own noise sensitive autistic child - noise happens. There’s no way of living in a world without it. We cope with ear defenders, with the noise leaving his space, or him leaving its space.

They’re the only options, unfortunately.

What you may possibly be seeing is some essentially prioritising the needs of children over the needs of adults, and that’s unfortunately just parenting.

That’s how you have come across even though you have couched it as:being part of my disability,

’We all have to deal with stuff. It sounds like it is harder for you to behave in an inclusive way than it might be for someone without your disability.

I may have misread it, I said that before. But it read as a criticism so I was asking you what you think I should do to be more inclusive.

I have to avoid so many situations that it gets ridiculous because I don’t want to be triggered and put people in an awkward position. I have missed out on weddings, social gatherings, non compulsory work events etc and the last time I had a night out was 3 years ago.

So the only one suffering for my lack of inclusivity is me.

That wasn’t me.

I responded to your question re ND children being less inclusive because I have a ND child.

But the quote you refer to, wasn’t me.

I didn’t say ND were less inclusive than NT people, I said it was harder for you than someone without your disability. I’m not sure why that’s caused you to get het up?

It’s harder for OP to reduce the impact of her child’s upset than it would be if the child could cope more easily, or she didn’t have a baby or wasn’t dealing with both children as a single mum. Life isn’t a level playing field.

It will often be the case that some bystanders aren't fully aware of what is going on in these sorts of situations. This is why it would be helpful if people could just be a bit more open to thinking there's more to the situation than just a kid having a tantrum while the mum blithely sits by.

It's always relevant to make a distinction between a meltdown and a tantrum regardless the age of the child. An autistic meltdown is an involuntary physical reaction. It's more similar to fainting than a tantrum.

A mum dealing with a child having a meltdown may use minimal or no language to reduce the child feeding overwhelmed.

They may sit just holding the child to provide deep pressure to help the body to regulate and calm the sensory overload.

They may avoid moving the child as transitions may escalate the sensory overload or avoid going outside as the child is a flight risk with no road awareness.

None of this is done with a sense of entitlement or without regard for those around us. Sometimes it's just the best we can do given the circumstances.

I don't expect anyone to just suffer or be inconvenienced by anything my child is doing. I try and do whatever is reasonable and practical to minimise any annoyance to anyone around us. But ultimately my child has the right to all the same social opportunities as any other child.

Parents of autistic kids may be slightly more prone to being defensive as we get judged far more readily and harshly than mums of children with visible disabilities.

I'd hazard a guess that if OP's daughter had a disability that was visibly identifiable the receptionist would have acted differently.

Sometimes my non verbal four year old might shriek or squeal. I am still taking him to the library even if it be difficult to hear because he can't help it and I want to take him to libraries. At least as an adult you have strategies to cope like earlier defenders etc or move to somewhere else in a library.

At least as an adult you have strategies to cope like earlier defenders etc or move to somewhere else in a library.

I can’t speak on the behalf of the pp, but not all adults do/can. DS1 is a teen now. For him, managing his inability to cope with noise (he is one who makes an awful lot of noise for someone who cannot cope with noise.) isn’t as simple as using ear defenders/noise cancelling headphones &/or moving away. That won’t change when he is an adult. It fact, he has become more difficult to manage as he has gotten older. But then we wouldn’t take him to the library because he wouldn’t cope.

You handled it perfectly..stayed focused on your child who needed you, ignored the interruption. No notes! 😊