How would you have handled this? SEND toddler in community centre.

Can it be that this was good because kids often respond to strangers where they don’t respond to their own parent. Your child perhaps realised that her behaviour wasn’t acceptable in the eyes of someone else so calmed down? I don’t know if this is possible depending on the degree of Sen.

I wouldn’t worry about it.

Very well balanced post

If the community centre is a public space, open to all, to be used for as is helpful then you’ve don’t nothing wrong. 5 minutes of a screaming child will feel like a very long time to some people though. Just be prepared with a better (but polite) answer for another time. Don’t offer to leave if you’re sure the meltdown will be resolved relatively quickly.

Surely it’s likely the teen had send if he had a tutor in a community centre. Maybe he was finding the 5 mins of screaming distressing and the lady was advocating for him.

I agree, this was her trying to intimate you should take your toddler outside. Five minutes is a very long time for shrieking and meltdown in a public space.

I'm sorry - it's so hard (and exhausting) with a young child with additional needs plus a baby. I swear my sling was the only thing keeping me sane because at least I didn't need hands for the baby whilst wrangling the toddler.

I scooped us all up and headed outside at the first hint of a meltdown. It's a tough few years. It will get both better and more challenging in different ways. Hang in there.

those saying just take him outside. op has the toddler, plus baby, grabbing a hysterical toddler to get them outside whilst also pushing a pushchair and likely abaondong all the rest of their stuff isn't that easy, and DS may well then meltdown more because he's being pulled away from his stuff, out into the cold, likely a little bit hauled given Mom has one arm per child. and she still has to bring him back in to feed him, possibly setting him off again.
is she meant to dump him outside in the cold every time he's naughty?

op I think your answer was fine. you were honest and you were focused on looking after and soothing your child. if she wants you to leave, she's going to have to own her words
if she asks you to leave, repeat the question and back with detail:
I think it's best if you leave
you want me to leave with my autistic child because he's feeling overwhelmed and it's taking me a few minutes to calm him?

tbh, disability aside, who asks of a tantrum king toddler - can they just choose to calm down right this second please because obviously they're just screaming for the fun of it and you're letting them because you want to!!

Very well said! Why should our children not be able to go places? You have exactly the right attitude towards this. Children with additional support needs require strong parents

Why is the age of the woman relevant?

Also other people are ND too and may be distressed by the crying and screaming. It’s nobody’s fault but sometimes needs conflict.

I had to leave a train carriage today because of a screaming child (who could be heard through my noise cancelling headphones and also when I put music on at top volume on them). I didn’t see much point in saying anything but when I myself have been close to overload, it has taken every ounce of my self control.

She wasn’t wrong and neither were you. It’s what happens when people go out and about

so don't worry if the kids get soaked and cold and the toddler doesn't get fed, so long as his disability doesn't affect anyone else?

Usually if a teen is working with a tutor in a space like a community centre it’s because they are out of school and are accessing education other than at school,

so it’s very likely that the teen was also SEND.

usually they’ll book a private space for the tutoring but occasionally they are already booked.

And it may clash with someone else’s disability. Shared spaces are often an issue for that.

That kind of noise will send me into overload and give me a massive headache. Of course I take myself away if possible but because of my disability, it causes a lot of distress.

Like with some autistic people who stim with noise and others who get sensory overload around it. If they are in the same place there is potential conflict

I wondered about that tbh.

and I'm not saying that ops child has more rights to be in that space than you, but the attitude on here seems that the child's needs come after anyone else's. it's better for a toddler and baby to be sat outside in the cold than anyone else he inconvenienced. ops child is less important than anyone else using that space . she's not letting him scream and short, she's trying to resolve it, something dragging him and the baby outside repeatedly is unlikely to do

She was polite though?!

This. There's actually a high likelihood that the teenager being taught also has additional needs and is struggling to cope with your child's meltdown. Sympathy though, it sounds as if you're in a pretty impossible position.

I think that's certainly one interpretation.

Mine is that OP and others seem to have the expectation that her child's need should trump others because of SEN. Whereas the reality is, they don't, they are equal.

If one of my ND children were screaming, and 5 minutes is a very long time for screaming, I would take them out of the way of the people that they were disturbing. It's just basic consideration for others.

If one of my NT children were screaming, and 5 minutes is a very long time for screaming, I would take them out of the way of the people that they were disturbing. It's just basic consideration for others.

The former might require more effort, and be more frequent. I'm the parent, it's for me to be respectful of our environment and other people within it. Pretending I'm being forced to slum outside with my poor disabled child in the rain whilst we shake with the cold, is just daft, and that narrative helps noone.

Well said! Anything that disturbs the general “status quo/peace” regardless of additional needs, should be navigated and avoided by the parent where possible.

SEN is completely understandable as a reason, but shouldn’t be used as entitlement that the general public/others don’t get.

If toddlers are allowed in a community space then they have to expect that. Id roll your eyes and move on if you can. You havent done anything wrong.

It depends if there's anywhere to move too. Not all community centres have multiple spaces to be used.

I mean. I’d love it if it was possible for my son to calm down, please.

I’d have dealt with it however I could in the moment, to just get us all through the situation until he went into nursery.

But, I’d also then speak to the woman separately and explain his needs, why he escalates, but crucially how I am aware that affects others because I also have ears. I’d maybe ask her if there was another area I could sit in, or take him to, to calm him but minimise the impact for everyone else.

I’d want to make clear I absolutely can’t calm him any quicker than I already am, but I’m absolutely open to find a solution that will help the situation.

One would expect the parent to have dressed their children appropriately for the weather, and they weren’t eating mid meltdown anyway.

No-one has suggested the DC shouldn’t eat once they calmed down.

I think you did great, it’s hard in those moments to stay cool, my Autistic child is 9 now and I still sometimes burst into tears when people make comments. Your child is allowed to be out in public and he’s allowed to be himself sometimes I think we forget this and it’s worth reminding yourself.

Toddlers all have tantrums we have all been there. However the world can't stop for every one.

You don't have to avoid the world you carry on as normal but give consideration to others.

If you need shopping mi tantrum then carry on but try to be in & out as quick as possible. If you are breastfeeding the baby & the toddler kicks off then carry on.

However it's really unfair to sit in a cafe with a screaming toddler. Everyone knows & understands they don't have an offer switch but it would have been reasonable to expect you to take them outside.

The child that was with a 'tutor' could well have been an outreach worker or mental health support worker eg supporting a child with EBSA or at risk - they often use community spaces to meet with the young people they support as it's safer than lone working at a clients home & helps with supporting someone to access the community.

Tutoring usually takes place at clients or tutors home or online, even if it was educational then doesn't that child's education have some importance?

NRTFT but I used similar spaces working with teenagers not in mainstream education. Some of whom were neurodivergent, all of whom often presented with challenging behaviour.
They could become anxious, angry or struggle to cope with the distraction of a crying toddler.

Safe spaces with no financial cost were not easy to find.
Whilst I sympathise with OP, there may well have been a genuine reason for the request to calm her child - even if that request was unlikely to be met.

It's September. There's no reason to think they will be cold or soaked for heaven's sake. It's not a re-enactment of The Little Match Girl.

I have two out of three children with disabilities. Stepping out where possible to manage their issues without negatively impacting others was both sensible and courteous. ESPECIALLY if a young man was accessing education there. Teens are learning in community centres when everything is ok in their world.