How would you have handled this? SEND toddler in community centre.

She was really asking you to take him outside, but was being polite. It's a strange choice, feeding him in a public space when you know he meltdowns at meal times.

Why are you attending a nursery that’s 2 bus rides away??? Surely that’s not sustainable with a baby too?

Then the teen would have the autonomy and agency to move elsewhere?

Jesus wept. Because her kid has SEND. Maybe it’s the only place that will take them. Or maybe she lives in the sticks. Or maybe she just loves buses. Does it matter?

Maybe the teen also has SEND and can only work in that environment? When a space is communal, everyone has to be considerate of each other.

Did you read the post? She doesn’t have a choice due to timings and buses unless you actually believe disabled children should be fed outside in the rain like cattle?

Well most people don’t have SEND. And of those who do, most of us are able to move if something is bothering us. So this avenue probably isn’t worth exploring any more

What is the community centre for and what else is happening there? Does the centre have a totally open access public space for the public just to chill? The community centres round here are designed for groups to run activities in. They don't have cafes and things where the public just randomly come in and chill out. If this community centre does, fair enough a toddler has just a much right to be making a noise in that area as the teen has to be there, but if it's not really an open public space, you shouldn't be just hanging out there disturbing the activities that are officially running there.

You've obviously got quite a challenging day logistically speaking. Then there's a teenage boy who may well also have SEN needing a quiet environment to work. The woman phrased it strangely but I think trying to find a workable solution would be good for everyone. Could DD watch a TV programme while she eats just as a short term measure for example?

Toddlers tantrum. What are you supposed to do when you’re there alone with both children?

I had 2 with SEND. It was bloody hard when they were young. Ignore the woman, your child’s meltdown was brief and shortly over with.

There's a choice of feeding them beforehand, a choice of arranging different times for the settling in session, a choice of going to a nursery closer to home. How did you know that it was raining on the day, by the way?

In answer to your question OP, when my son was your son’s age and had a meltdown I was so self conscious and upset. As time went on I learnt to block others out and I would have blanked that woman. I will say that I once had a very tiny elderly lady come up to me while I was wrestling my then toddler back into his buggy. I was crying, he was crying and I assumed she was going to have a go at me. She didn’t. She put her hand on my shoulder once I had straightened back up and whispered “it won’t always be this hard, dear. I promise”. It was only a small thing but I’ve never forgotten her kindness.

So your narrative is that if you don't stop a child from screaming solidly for 5 minutes, it's other people's problem for expecting "monastic silence" and far from the parent, it is they who need to deal with it. And if they dare say anything? Let's manipulate that into accusing them that clearly they think SEN children should be locked up.

You do a massive disservice to how SEN parents are viewed.

Sincerely

Mother of two SEN children.

I think generally the aim is not to disturb others unduly, so if it's possible to go outside, that's what I would do.

If I saw someone walking towards us I'd assume they were cross (perhaps that reflects on my anxieties!) and preemptively apologise for the disturbance, rather than assume they were wanting to help.

I think most people have a lot of sympathy for kids outbursts, which you clearly can't always control, but if it's a big echo-ey space, and it's going on for a while, and the option is there to lift them up & go outside, that's what you should do. Remember the noise is far less tolerable to others who have no connection with the kid than to you.

I'm much more amenable to a mum who looks aware of their impact on others - maybe a hand gesture or facial expression acknowledging the situation, than one who is angry at the kid, or apparently doing nothing at all, apparently unaware of their impact on others.

To be honest though, I don't think I've ever approached a mum on it, I mostly grin and bear it. If I do anything at all, I'm more likely to passive aggressively ostentatiously gathering my stuff and moving away in a huff, possibly casting daggers at you and your kid. I'll do this with people with loud music on the train, for example. I can't think I've actually done it with kids though.

oh should SEND toddlers just not be seen in public then? They shouldn’t be allowed to eat in public places ?

I think we should all be more understanding of the fact young children are not able to emotional regulate at times and all of them are welcome in public spaces. I just do not believe parents on here who come on saying their children would never cry loudly or tantrum as toddlers. Or that they stayed in the house all day to avoid their child daring to be seen having a tantrum in public.

My instinct in this situation would be to ask the mother if she needed help, not shame her . How is she supporting make her toddler stop exactly!?

My toddler is prone to short but intense meltdowns, and it's a often struggle to feed them. Today, they were refusing to eat and were crying and screaming for no more than 5 minutes.

YABVU

You admit that it’s a struggle to feed them without a meltdown - yet you still insist of feeding them lunch in a public space.

You want people to be kinder because of her SEN but forget that other have SEN and hearing these meltdowns can be really difficult for them.

If your child is having a meltdown it’s because they’re stressed - they literally screaming at you that they are stressed but you continue to push them.

Feed them at home.
Take a snack and offer it - but if they don’t want it, don’t force it!

Exhibit A of explaining my point!!!!

THAT IT IS WHY IT IS CALLED A HIDDEN DISABILITY!!!

((HUG))

as a parent to 2 children, especially one with SEN, you're going to need to and you will develop a thicker skin.

All toddlers have tantrums and toddlers with SEN have meltdowns

It's a fact of life, One that some people, including people on this thread, just need to accept & stop being such twats about.

You were doing your best to calm her down and that is all you need to do. You don't need to take her outside, feed her at home or anything else.

Just think of a few stock phrases to prevent yourself from telling people to fuck off, what you said was fine!!

There was no reason to think the teenager has SEN. Plenty of teenagers have tutors in the day around their other lessons. Using communal spaces as tutors are more reluctant to be in private spaces alone with teenagers now.

They have to accept that it is a communal space and complete silence is not guaranteed, it's not a big deal.

I'm sorry that are really good. Nursery is such a distance from you and you need to get two buses, especially with a baby as well, you are doing your very best for your daughter and don't let anybody put you off.

👍🏻💕🌷

👏👏👏👏 I think the ability to stop being overly worried about the reactions of people around you comes with time. And when it does it's so bloody liberating.

Perhaps when the toddler gets used to the routine of car journey, lunch, nursery.

Its really important these settling in sessions go well for you but hopefully it wont be for much longer.

No need to shout. I know full well what a hidden disability is as I have several. But unlike you I wouldn't assume people know that I or my child has a hidden disability

Like where?

If he's being tutored they can hardly go outside, unlike the OP.