To not let my younger daughter lend her sister the money for school trip?

My 14 year old is going on a three day school trip to London next week. I have been paying for it in instalments since the beginning of the year and have finally managed to get the main cost paid. She is really looking forward to it and has been talking about it for months. But the school has now sent a message saying they need to bring money for food, drinks and an evening activity which isn’t included. Apparently most of the children are taking at least £50. My daughter says she will be the only one without it and is getting very upset about the whole thing.

I work part time in a supermarket and get Universal Credit. Money is tight at the moment and I honestly haven’t got £50 spare. I have told her I can give her £15 and pack some food for her, but she says her friends will all be buying things throughout the day and she will be embarrassed taking a packed lunch. She also says the evening activity is something they are all doing and she doesn’t want to sit in the hotel while everyone else goes. I do understand that she wants to fit in, but I have already paid for the trip itself and can’t just magic up another £50. I have said she needs to be grateful she is going at all, which probably wasn’t the most helpful thing to say.

My younger daughter is 10 and has been saving for a new phone. She has a little tin in her bedroom and has about £80 in it from birthdays, Christmas and money relatives have given her. She has been saving for ages and keeps looking at phones online. Anyway she overheard me and her sister talking about the trip and offered to lend her £30. She said she doesn’t mind and can save it up again, and that she wants her sister to have a nice time. She wasn’t being forced or anything, she came out with it herself. But I said no straight away and told her that her money was hers and she didn’t need to pay for her sister’s school trip.

This is where it has all kicked off really. My older daughter said that her sister had offered and I was being unfair by stopping her. She said she would pay her back when she gets her birthday money, although that isn’t until next year. I said that isn’t really the point and that a 10 year old shouldn’t be lending her savings to make up for what I can’t afford. She called me mean and said I was making her feel guilty for wanting to go on the trip. I know she is disappointed but I don’t think it is unreasonable to say no. I don’t want her thinking that because her sister has some savings, she can just use them whenever she wants something.

My younger daughter is now upset with me too. She keeps saying she offered because she wanted to and that I have made it into a big thing. She has even asked if she can give her sister the money without telling me, which obviously isn’t happening. The girls were getting on quite well before this but now they are arguing about it. My older one says her sister doesn’t mind and my younger one says I am stopping her doing something kind. I don’t want either of them feeling responsible for the other’s money problems, if that makes sense. But I also don’t want to make my eldest feel like she can’t have the same experiences as her friends.

The school has said they can bring packed lunches, and the evening activity is an extra thing they have arranged while they are in London. I don’t think the school has offered any financial help, although I haven’t actually asked them directly yet. I could email and explain the situation, but I feel embarrassed doing that after managing to pay the main trip cost. My daughter says everyone has been told to bring spending money and that the teachers won’t want to hear about it. I don’t know how much of that is actually true. She has also said she will just go without food rather than take what I pack, which is worrying me.

AIBU to refuse to let my younger daughter lend her sister the money? Should my older daughter just accept that she can’t have the extras and go with the £15 I can afford, or should I be asking the school about help? I don’t want to take the trip away from her because she has been looking forward to it, but I can’t afford to keep adding money to it. And I don’t think it is right for a 10 year old to feel she needs to help pay for her sister’s school trip, even if she has offered. What would you do?

Just an update as I have heard back from the school this morning and it has cleared a few things up.

The £50 isn’t actually all for spending money. The school has included money for food on the days when they aren’t providing it, drinks and snacks, and the evening activity which is a theatre show. The main trip cost covers the travel, hotel, breakfast and some of the meals, but not everything. I hadn’t realised there were quite so many extras when I agreed to the trip.

They have said the children can take packed lunches and snacks, and they will be able to refill water bottles. The teachers aren’t expecting everyone to spend £50, but they suggested that amount so the children have enough for the three days. The theatre trip is optional, although my daughter says everyone is going.

The school has also said they can help with the cost of the theatre activity if we need it. They are going to check whether there is any other funding available for food and spending money too. I am waiting to hear about that.

I am relieved they have been helpful, as I was worried they would just say it was too late to ask.

@OneSunnyGreenTurtle Please ignore any DMs you get about "easy ways to make money that fit around your kids WFH blah blah"

they will be MLMs guaranteed and you will lose more money than you ever put into it.

Predatory snakes the lot of them!

Draw up a contract that older daughter has to sign promising to pay back younger sibling post Christmas present money

I would fully expect to be subsidising the teachers trip as a parent.
Three days away supervising a bunch of teenagers, not being paid for most of it and taking time away from your own family.
Why on earth should teachers pay full price for that out of their own pocket?

All your saving for this trip will be undone if she has to sit on the sidelines for the evening activity. That is what she will remember. Sitting on the sidelines as she watches everyone else do the activity

You keep saying your DD spends money quite quickly and isn't very organised with money, but this sounds completely to be expected if she doesn't get much money to buy things she needs/wants or regular amounts of money to manage.
She experiences "feast or famine" so when she gets money twice a year it doesn't feel like a reliable consistent source of money.

Is there any way you can give her pocket money, even if it's £5 a week, something consistent and reliable so she can learn to budget?

I would be asking why older daughter could not have saved up her own spending money instead of scrounging from her sister. If she was looking forward to the trip all these months did it not cross anyone's mind that she would need some spends?

Is there a reason you need to pick up your y6 child from school? Is it on a busy road or similar?

Extend your hours the girls will just have to get on with it.

I have three daughters. All grown up with their own families now. However, they have always helped each other out if one is a little short of cash for something, or they need help with the children, a lift somewhere, etc, no questions asked. As they say ‘That’s what families do’.

Let the little one help her big sister, what goes around comes around and one day it’ll be your older girl helping the younger one.

Totally agree, I get attacked on here when I suggest what people are receiving and yet it’s the truth, I’m not trying to upset or degrade anyone, I work with it every day and am shocked sometimes as a lot of people especially when on pip have more disposable income than myself. Its there to look up online and yet people think I’m heartless for stating a fact.

This is heartbreaking. I was one of the few with little money at school, and once got asked by a close friend (not in a nasty way) if I had accidentally taken money while on trip.

I can understand both sides, but would let younger siblings lend her the money. Schools also have funds that can by used at their discretion.

We have these things all the time..really annoying as trips are £500+ every year.

I think I have worded some things badly and made myself sound worse than I meant to. I am not saying my younger daughter shouldn’t be kind to her sister. I just don’t want her thinking she has to give up her savings because I can’t afford something. But I can see that she offered it herself and maybe I have made too much of it.

The phone is something she has been saving for herself. She doesn’t have one at the moment and has wanted one for ages. She isn’t getting it from me, she is saving her own money for it.

I accept that I should have budgeted for spending money. I knew about the trip cost but I didn’t realise the extra activity and food would come to so much. I should have asked more questions at the time. I am not saying my daughter is wrong for wanting to buy things with her friends, I just can’t afford £50 at the moment.

A few people have asked about free school meals and pupil premium. Yes, they do get free school meals and I hadn’t realised the school might be able to help with the activity. I am going to email them and ask what support is available.

I do work part time because of childcare and school hours. I have asked about more shifts but it isn’t as simple as just taking on more. I don’t have someone who can have the children whenever I am working. I am not sitting at home doing nothing, as one poster seems to think.

I also don’t think it is fair to say my daughter is going to be starving in London. She can take food with her and I can give her what I can afford. I am not sending her with nothing. I know £15 isn’t a lot for three days though and I am going to see if I can sort something else out.

I am going to speak to my mum and the school and see if I can get some help. If my younger daughter does lend her the money, I will make sure it is treated as my debt and she gets it back. I don’t want her to lose her savings because of this.

Why would a friend ask if you had accidentally taken money? Do you mean she was asking if you had brought money from home, or was she asking if you had stolen from someone on the trip?

Is there a way that people could donate a little something to give your daughter a lovely trip. Not sure this is allowed but I’d happily chip in - maybe go fund me…