If you had your chance to start again, would you still have had kids?

Totally agree with you

Yes but I wish I had known that DH was ADHD, I’m autistic and therefore kids likely to be ND.

Instead we’re figuring it all out 5 years down the line and wondering why we found it so much harder than everyone else.

I wouldn’t have had them so close together and I would have picked a better father. But they are the loves of my life.

I understand the question though. I’ve been a single parent for years and it is HARD and I’ve been burnt out and strung out. But I still look at their grumpy stinky spotty teenage faces and think how lucky I am to have them in my life.

I have three friends who have adopted. One as a single mum. All say that whilst they will always fight for their children, they would never have done it had they known the many long effects of trauma on a child and the utterly woeful access to support. I one case there is child to parent violence.

Il not saying that all adoptions end up like this. Many posters will come along and tell me that this is not their experience and adoption has been very positive.

But you need to go into it with eyes wide open and with no romance of parenthood.

I think everybody's experience of parenthood is different largely depending on their circumstances. Physical health, mental health, your overall wellbeing and how you manage it, career and job opportunities, stable relationship, supportive partner/family and friendships, being able to drive/access to a car/public transport, your housing, your finances, childcare etc etc. All these things contribute to the experience you have of being a parent and people will base their experience off of these circumstances. Then there's things like your childrens childhood experiences such as impact of their parents experiences as well as bulling, ill health etc. There's so many different factors that contribute to each individuals experience of being a parent.

Is it ethical to have children? Sometimes I blame myself for choosing to bring them into the world.

What kind of world are we bringing them into? I worry about where it is heading—with war, conflict, disease, and artificial intelligence making life feel more uncertain and extreme by the day.

Absolutely not. I adore my children, but the world is changing in a way that I don't think I would choose now to bring children into it.

Childless not by choice here but you might be interested because I am seeing it from the other end. We wanted children but investigation and treatment was much harder to get in the 70's and the treatment was nastier and less successful so we decided to leave it to fate. Once we had worked through the feelings and the social expectations (thankfully not from our parents) we had a very happy and fulfilling marriage until my husband died 15 years ago.

I think that all of us go through life "not experiencing" stuff.
Kindly I would say be sure its something that you actively want and not hormone driven or FOMO.
I wish you a choice that is a good and happy one for you.

Yes, 100%. I went through a lot to have them - fertility problems, a miscarriage, an ectopic, IUI, IVF, ICSI - and it’s like that was all nothing now.

I haven’t gone a single day without being filled with love for them and thinking I am so so lucky to have them. They fill my life with joy. Yes, there are tough times, there’s worry, there’s mood, there’s arguments. But the good times have far far outweighed those. We’ve still travelled, just a bit differently from what we would have done, we’ve had a full life.

They're young adults now, one of them has his first serious relationship, so we’re looking forward to what the next chapter will bring.

No just look at all the problems and stresses on here. Stay single. Be careful what you wish for.

This. But, if the OP is looking at adoption, she wouldn't get through the process without being asked all of these questions repeatedly, and only a resilient and determined person would get through the (understandably) time-consuming and intrusive approval and matching processes, anyway.

I would absolutely have my DS again, OP, but that's completely irrelevant to your decision. I'd start spending some time on the Mn adoption board looking through posts -- lots of experienced, knowledgeable single adopters there.

Probably not if I was honest. I love them more than I could have ever imagined, but they are both ND which has made their teen years so hard for them (and me), and they are both unhappy and struggle with life. It really is unbearable seeing them suffer and not be able to do anything to help. Hopefully things will improve, but at the moment the anxiety is overwhelming, at a time when I would have assumed the stress of parenting was receding.

Yes. My kids are utterly brilliant and I love spending time with them - they are 14 and 11. When they were little it was hard work, and I did question my decision a couple of times when I had had no sleep at all.
I feel lucky that my DCs are such great company, and do things without me having to nag, and love school. I don’t take credit for it.

DD yes in a heartbeat. DS honestly no. I love him but he’s made life so incredibly difficult.

I would definitely have kids again - but I have my own biological kids and I had them with my DH and we are still together (kids are now 18 and 15). It was still hard and we've sacrificed a huge amount of enjoyable adult life and experiences in order to do it, but I don't regret it and would do it again if I had my life all over again.

But would I have kids in your situation, if it meant adoption and parenting as a single person? Probably not. It would just be too hard.

The thing is you don’t know how much you will hate it till you become a parent then it’s too late.

I love my children. They were planned. If I had known how hard things would be though I am not so sure I would have gone ahead. I still remember being told my 16 year old son had cancer. (He had an excellent prognosis and made it.) My children had challenges galore in their early years. I just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop for a while. They were not minnie mes at all. I look at my children and I can see some faint echoes of me but they are very different in looks and temperament. I had a husband to share things with so I imagine it must be hard on your own.

Yes.

In an ideal world I'd have met my husband sooner, had at least double the number of children, and had my parents around for my their childhood.

I'm glad I had a good support network before having children. I wish I'd heavily decluttered the house beforehand and got myself organised! But I'm so glad I have my children.

I considered adopting when I was single (and still think it's much better than using IVF to bring a "fatherless" child into the world).

Friends who have adopted do seem have faced far greater challenges with their teenage and young adult children (on average) than those with biological children. We could never know for certain, but all suspect that FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) has been a bigger factor than the trauma of their early years.

Whilst none my closest friends in that position have ultimately regretted adopting (as opposed to sometimes feeling that way for a limited time), they have been Christians with a very deep faith, and have been loved and supported by close-knit churches. Not trying to prosthelytise or suggest that others can't get through problems or have support of course, but I know they'd be quick to point out that they didn't get through it by their own strength.

It's a wonderful thing you're considering doing. It might be good to try to meet plenty of adoptive parents (recent ones and ones whose children are adults), especially some single ones. Not all LAs are completely honest about the problems the children can face (such as FAS) or the availability of support years after adoption, and it's good to go in knowing the likely best and worst case scenarios.

Categorically, no. I love DS, but I find parenting itself incredibly hard work, and we only have the one. It’s not so much that we can’t/don’t still do the things we did before. For example, we still go to restaurants, have holidays, etc. It’s more that everything is obviously child-centred since having DS, so each of those experiences feels like a compromise compared to the version of it we’d be doing if we didn’t have him. DH and I also have a lot less time for each other now than we did pre-DS, and whilst we’re a happy family unit overall, I’d definitely say our relationship isn’t as close as it once was and I miss that.

100%. I can't explain why exactly (well - the experience of that kind of love is magical), as kids can be so much work, at times frustration, and you tend to put yourself second and their needs first - but somehow that's the actual thing that gives your life purpose.

We spend a lot of time otherwise just focused on ourselves. Pleasure, freedom and having only yourself to please feels great on the surface, but a whole lifetime of just that can leave a person self absorbed and not really contributing anything to someone else's life (I'm obviously generalising here - many, many women without kids give their heart to other children such as nieces, nephews, friends' children etc. I'm just talking about a worst case scenario where the woman just focuses inwardly on her own needs and no one else).

Having kids can definitely make you a better person as there is someone else who you know is more important than you. You have to sacrifice and compromise and that's actually good for the soul, even if at times it feels difficult. Also, kids can be a lot of fun and fantastic company once they're teenagers.

I love my kids but one is disabled and goes to a specialist school and had the thought of a potentially disabled child crossed my mind I wouldn't have ever had children so no I think I wouldn't because I am going to be a carer and probably have no life of my own for the rest of my existence. 😞

sorry to sound depressing. it's an honest thought.

Honestly, no.

I would start earlier and have many more. No way would I not have children.

Yes I think I would but I’d hope I’d still only have 1 and would definitely only have a child in a stable relationship

I wonder if the problem for many women is giving it enough time to be sure they are with the right person, before having children.

Plus the toxicity of social media where we are shown the beautiful easy bits of parenting and not the real life struggles that we all have.