AIBU to think my mum slapping me as a teenager was unacceptable?

20 years ago, Joey (Friends spin off) hit that kid and that was in progressive LA, and not even his kid, and the general assumption was that the kid had been indulged for far too long and that Joey was right.
Yes, it was a TV show from 2006, but the point was, gentle or permissive parenting was frowned upon, and many/most people saw nothing wrong with it. I don't have to agree with that to admit it was the case (just like I don't agree with capital punishment/allowing criminals to be hurt in prison to admit that a lot of people have a different opinion from me).

@ByRoseSnake I don’t condone hitting any child, but that doesn’t take away the fact that you probably deserved it. Teenagers - especially girls - can be extremely horrid, to their mums in particular.

It was a one-off, you probably deserved it, and maybe there were other times you deserved it too but she didn’t hit you. So let it go. You’re an adult now and must understand that adults are only human and are not perfect!

No one deserved to be hit. Full stop.

My mum slapped me when I was 14. I remember it vividly because it was so out of the blue. But with hindsight I was hormonal and being very difficult and she was also going through the menopause and had lost her job. I don't want to justify violence. If a partner hit me then I would not stay. I don't think she was right to hit me. But it was shocking because it was out of the blue and unusual. I would feel different if it was part of a pattern of physical or emotional abuse. As it is I think that the relationship between a mother and teenage daughter is so intense, way more intense than in a healthy adult relationship for example, so it's hard to compare to other situations (like adults in a romantic relationship). So I think it was a human mistake and not a sign of abuse. I wouldn't want to repeat it with my kids or view it as a good thing in a "taught me a lesson" way. But I don't think it's traumatic or a stain on my relationship with my mum.

My Mum did this to me too, I was about the same age as you were. One single slap (hard) across the face. I can't for the life of me remember the context. My guess is that I was giving her back chat. In retrospect I think my Mum suffered from pms, which was not widely understood or talked about then, ( late 1970s) . Apart from a tap on the hand or back of the legs as a much smaller child, which wouldn't have been considered any thing out of the ordinary at the time, she wasn't otherwise abusive and would have been considered a 'good' mother. That slap utterly shocked me and broke some trust in me. It was never resolved between us because she died a couple of years later aged only 41. I often felt like slapping my own daughter when she was 13/14 as she pushed every button! But I didn't actually do it, and I'm so glad I didn't.

Let it go fgs. What are you hoping to achieve by keeping on about it?

Let it go fgs. What are you hoping to achieve by keeping on about it?

Nobody deserves to be slapped hard across the face and told to “shut the fuck up”. Not least a child.

I’ve never hit my teenage daughter I’m delighted to say but it doesn’t mean that she didn’t deserve it on occasion.

Disgusting thing to say

Had exactly the same happen to me. Never forgot it. Straight across the cheek because I said something was 'crap'. Mum didn't like me using the word. It was the only time she ever hit me like that. I remembered it all my life.

This too! I think for millennials (people in their thirties now) they were children and teenagers at a transitional phase where smacking went from being normalised and even encouraged to being seen as a Bad Thing (rightly). So I think parents and children got quite mixed messages about whether it was a useful tool or a really bad thing and I can see how when you are getting that messaging in the media (that smacking can help and it's weak/permissive not to) and your young teen is pushing your buttons you would.

would these replies be a same if it was a husband slapping their wife?

Not really. Sometimes they are so horrible and no words can bring them down from their anger. I would never do it myself and don’t think anyone else should but I could understand how someone has just reached the end of their tether and slapped and shouted in the heat of the moment just for the bad behaviour just to stop.

Ofcourse there are much better ways. But OPs mum lost it just once. I think she could be forgiven for that.

Jesus - are you always this horrible or did you lick a wasps nest today?

she has not got the balls to own up to it.

OP said she confessed to doing it

It's not the same. I know how sexist that sounds. But mother-daughter relationships can be so intense and fraught at times in the teenage years especially..I think if a romantic relationship had that level of extreme intensity and depth to each emotional chokepoint it would be quite unhealthy. But it's really hard to find a comparable situation. Except maybe father-son relationships. Which also should NOT be violent. But can have very fraught competitive undercurrents during adolescence.

The problem is children use their relationships with their parents as a template for future relationships. So a parent repeatedly hitting their child risks then accepting abuse as adults. But I still don't think a mum hitting her daughter once is the same as a husband/wife hitting their partner once. I wouldn't do it myself. I understand why my mum did.

One off under provocation is different to routinely using it to control a teenager.

she should have apologised at that time and clearly bothered her given how she reacted.

i am totally utterly anti kids or anyone being hit but I’ve got teens and I know how it could happen in heat of moment. I hope I never reach that point.

Well, that’s a very vague question. What do you mean?

@ByRoseSnake - I get your anger and need to question your relationship with her. That she hit you was awful but the gaslighting over years is far worse behaviour.

Like you say, you have some difficult conversations ahead of you if you want to salvage your relationship with her. She sounds remorseful which is a good start, at least. That she has finally owned it should at least bring you some peace and like you say, provides a basis on which to rebuild trust.

To the pp who said that some teenagers deserve to get hit - get away with you. They’re balls of hormones with little impulse control, an undeveloped prefrontal cortex and no life experience. It’s our job as adults to take that on the chin and set expectations and boundaries without resorting to smacking them. Because, y’know, we do have those things (edit - even if they really test us 😂)

Thank you for responding :)

Well, for example, copilot says

PTSD is triggered by exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence, either directly, as a witness, through learning about it, or via repeated professional exposure.

DSM-5 Criterion A for PTSD
According to the DSM-5, a traumatic event must involve death, threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence.

I know the UK uses the ICD-10 rather than the DSM-5.

Would a one-off slap in this context meet this criteria? Or do you use a different criteria?

What about if someone says they are a bit OCD as they like things clean? Or a bit bipolar as they have mild moodswings.

Is sticking to the diagnostic framework and internationally approved definitions more important, or is it mostly vibes and not wanting to invaliate anyones perception of their symptoms? Where is the line that you would say: No this incident, while upsetting, is not severe enough to be the trauma incident in PTSD. I imagine Psychiatrists often have to say: No 'you don';t have this condition as you don't meet these diagnostic criteria', or is it very difficult to say that to people in distress.

It’s not even remotely the same.

Being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My children have tested me in ways I didn’t even know were possible. I have been pushed to my absolute limits. Being a parent is relentless, and thankless. And despite all of that, it is still the best thing that has ever happened to me and I consider myself so incredibly lucky to have my children.

Relationships between adults are nothing like that. If another adult behaved as my children do - the disrespect, not complying with reasonable requests, the constant boundary pushing, not respecting me saying no etc - it would probably be viewed as abuse tbh.

The OP also lived in fear of her father. None of that has been recognised by her Mother, who had the intelligence and training to know she was damaging her DD's MH by staying.

Parents hitting their chid is a particularly sensitive topic atm because it was seen as a normal thing to do in the past, now generally believed not to be okay (although it seems that plenty of parents do in fact hit their children).
I think that it's not until you are a parent yourself that you realise just how much stress one can be under.
I would be surprised if there are any parents alive who have never done any thing that they feel ashamed of, and would struggle to admit to.
I agree with the people saying, let it go.

Sometimes people are human @Ponoka7

Sorry, i suspect youve survived hell, but that isnt this xx