AIBU to think my mum slapping me as a teenager was unacceptable?

And op had a wonderful childhood with both parents too busy to notice op was a child and needed their support not neglect and anger.

I also dont think that OP’s mother experiencing DV should be used as a mitigating factor. She had the power to leave and chose to stay and expose OP to this. I agree with another PP who said that women who stay with violent men rather than removing their children are in collusion with the violence.

I also agree with a PP who said that once OP becomes a parent, a lot of feelings and memories from her own childhood may surface as often we defend our parents whilst we are childless and see everything from their perspective. That becomes harder when youre comparing their behaviour to you with how you would react with your own child.

Of course it's not OK. Elder abuse is a real problem and some adults are horrible and sadistic and it's an awful situation for an older vulnerable person to be in. But, in a scenario say where an adult child had been the sole carer for an elderly demanding parent or one with dementia with all the emotional stuff that comes with that and they got to the point where they really wanted toslap their parent that alone wouldn't make them evil/sadistic/a bad person or child. I think if it escalated to eg someone suddenly losing control and shouting at the parent that would not be OK. It would be a sign the situation had reached absolute crisis point and needed urgent intervention. But even there I don't think it means the adult child is bad/evil. Different if it was something that happened more than once or done casually.

Are you genuinely comparing OP's teenage behaviour (according to OP's mum she was an obnoxious teenager who made her late for work) to raping someone or assaulting someone in the street?

Rape and assault are criminal offences normally punishable by imprisonment. Making your mum late for work is not a criminal offence and shouldn't be punishable by physical violence which is what OP's mum did.

A slap on the spur of the moment by a stressed mum is understandable. The denial of reality and refusing to acknowledge what she had done is what OP is upset about.

We don't know whether OP still has a relationship with her abusive father.

I agree with all this.

Way way to much navel gazing about this stuff. Why does everyone have to analyse every single little part of their lives ? To what benefit ?
Child abuse is one thing and needs prosecution and safeguarding .
A one off event with a teen by someone under severe duress. Of course she’s embarrassed. It’s not necessary to discuss everything, it is ok to ‘sweep under the mat’ sometimes. If your mum has been otherwise kind, loving and supportive, then cherish her - don’t make her life miserable.

Yes, knife crime is so much more palatable!

But you are expected to put up with a 6ft teenager walloping you one in your own home.

Oh there was plenty of more serious crime & violence back then, too, but that was more the older kids. I'm talking about primary school playgrounds, in every break time.

You are right actually. We behaved in class but there was more violence on the playground (punished by more violence in my Junior School by the Head teacher.) And kids seemed nastier to each other

I dont think that was the point being made at all. If your 6ft teenager is walloping you, they are 100% abusing you and you do whatever you need to protect yourself.

[Hopefully you didnt wallop that same 6ft teen when they were a toddler and you were a fully-grown adult?]

The bottom-line is no-one deserves to experience physical violence in their home.

I don't have a 6ft teenager and never walloped any of my kids but I've seen the excuses for them on here. And if it was a 6 ft adult the police would remove them

I think we are 100% in agreement that this would be the correct response (removal by the police).

I just don’t think this has much relevance to OP’s experience. There’s no suggestion she ever raised her hand to her mother.

And, here, I think her mum did let her down badly - both through failing to protect her from DV and through slapping her.

Some people have been describing her examination of the past as “navel-gazing” but I think this is unfair when she is now having her own child. When you become a parent, you have to evaluate your past experience of parenting (as a child) and decide which patterns you want to break. This does make you re-evaluate your own parents’ behaviour with a focus on the child’s perspective - i think its necessary and healthy preparation. Lots of people also go to therapy before becoming a parent and I also think that is healthy and responsible. Anyone who is a parent knows that having children can trigger parts of you that you didnt even realise were broken.

Hmm really? I can't say I did all that before having my child.

And I had a mum who left when I was young, SA from.a family member at8 and went through the care system as a teen before living alone at 17. I've certainly never felt the need to bleat how hard done by I was.

You are a very strong and exceptional person to have gone through that as a child and then become a parent. I hope the family member was locked away for a very long time (I actually hope theyre rotting in Hell) and you have found peace. Youve done an exceptional job in life to overcome what you did.

This is awful.....so sorry you went through such horrific abuse....you have no reason to forgive her, ESPECIALLY without remorse or apology.She was an adult and should have protected you, not inflicted the same pain she had experienced on her innocent child, then blamed you for it!

He's long dead.

I'm nothing special just practicial. Like shit happens deal with it

I feel the same. I had a similar childhood to you including a mentally ill mother who tried to kill me when I was 11 which gave me actual diagnosed PTSD. I have never blamed my childhood for my current reality, not since I was 20. My mother was ill and I forgave her and we became close again. People are not perfect. I don't think what her mother did is excusable at all but it was once under extreme stress. She should have apologised at the time though sincerely and that would have helped. But my point is that if she was otherwise a great mum, just focus on that and give her a break.

I would say well deserved.

I am amazed too. The slapping incident might be once but op was also living in a chaotic household as a child in fear of her father. OP’s mother could have accepted, and that validation would have provided some relief to op and they could move on. But finally when she accepted, she put the blame on op for being a horrible child.

I am guessing you punish your kids in this way.

I think we need to remember that our parents are human just like we are. I would never hit my kids, but I think we have more support and understanding on the effects these days. I am a similar age to you and it was normal for many teens to expect a slap if really badly behaved. I'm sure if your Mum had asked for advice on here at the time many would have advised that. It sounds you regularly making your Mum late for work and putting her at risk of losing her job whilst in an abusive relationship was traumatic for her and she reached the end of her tether. Move on and focus on the relationship you both have now.

It's never acceptable to hit a child. So of course it was wrong. I'm very pleased that it is now socially unacceptable to hit a child but that wasn't always the case and parents are not saints they make mistakes.
Was it a one off? Generally do you think she was a good parent? Did you have a happy childhood?
If it was a on off I think you should forget it. Perhaps she was going through the menopause was particularly stressed that day, had reached the end of her tether, perhaps she has blocked it out.
Honestly I think you should move on and focus on your life now.

I was a 90s kid and my mum slapped me when I was throwing a tantrum. I still remember the slap and I know my mum regretted it. We have a good relationship though because other than this, she has been a loving mum.