AIBU to think my mum slapping me as a teenager was unacceptable?

Sometimes kids just really do reach the limit of your patience. If you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders, trying to hold down a demanding job to support the family and a child is being completely awful, disrespectful, rude and ungrateful I personally think a quick shock like a smack is better than verbal abuse or ignoring their terrible behaviour. I’d imagine she’d tried and tried to tell you what you needed to do or not to do and you wouldn’t listen.

👏🏼 well said. They are projecting and using this as a way of justifying their own abusive behaviour. Hitting, slapping whatever you want to call it, is abuse.

I absolutely can say that being slapped once as a teenager isn't trauma. That isn't what it is.

In the same way being nervous before an exam isn't anxiety.

Or feeling low because you had an argument with your friend isn't depression.

Stop using serious mental illnesses that have a devastating impact on people's lives as a way of making day to day events seem more dramatic and impactful.

She also spent her whole childhood with an abusive alcoholic and witnessed domestic violence in the home. Then one day, her mother, who I’m assuming was her safe place, suddenly assaulted her without warning and then gaslit her by pretending it never happened.

I’m not exactly soft and fluffy, but I can see how this can form an element of PTSD when combined with a childhood of witnessing abuse.

You are incredibly uneducated on this matter and that is clear. Trauma is a complex emotion and having a mother who resorted to hitting whilst also living through DV in a home can absolutely lead to trauma and/or PTSD. Do not minimise others emotions and experiences.

Why do you keep coming back to this? I think that's something to look at.
I was a horrible teen and was slapped by my Dad once for my attitude, deserved it.
My lovely Dad probably felt terrible about it.
I think you need to look at why you're going over this.

Is hitting a child a day to day event for you?

It's clearly unacceptable and abusive behaviour. Also, your mum failed to protect you from living in an atmosphere of abuse, which has clearly had an impact. If she posted nowadays, she'd be told to LTB or she'd be colluding in the abuse of her children by staying in that environment.

But (and it's a big one)... you are both victims here. You as a child, both from this one episode from your mother and also the abuse from your father. Your mother, being the victim of an abusive relationship and also having to do her best within that environment to provide for and nurture her DC. And it was a different time even 20 years ago... the emphasis was on keeping families together, not breaking them up. Lots of talk about 'family breakdown' and such being the root of all evil and rubbish like that. Women did just put up with stuff to a much greater extent than they do now... there was much less sympathy for women leaving abusive relationships than there is now and domestic violence was taken much less seriously.

It sounds like your mother did her best in the situation she was in, and she had one moment when she snapped and did something out of character which has disproportionately (but understandably) affected you, maybe much more than she realised. She may have comforted herself by telling her that, regardless of how shit things were, she managed to put her DC first and protect you so I imagine it is quite traumatic for her to realise the impact that this one mistake she made as a parent, this one loss of control amongst all the stress, has had on you.

In your shoes, I'd be kind to her but also to yourself. Have you talked to anyone (e.g. a therapist) about your childhood, you might find that useful?

There are some spectacularly crap responses here!

You are asking if it was wrong: yes, she hit a child in her care. Inexcusable.

IF she’d said sorry - straight away, or later in the day, or even more fully now, taking full responsibility and not putting it on you - that would have given you a level of healing.

But she didn’t. She gaslit you about it for YEARS and looked after her own shame, instead of healing your trauma. This is very wrong of her.

I am glad she has finally admitted it, but after years of doubting yourself she has done a lot of damage.

You sound very empathic, but please be empathic to yourself too. You were a child and should not have been hit and lied to.

I suspect there may be more to unravel in your relationship with your mum, and I very much recommend seeking out a therapist just to chat things over with.

One last time - you were a child. It was not your fault. You were in her care. She let you down in the moment, and for all the years she has lied about it. It was not your fault.

So, I have kids who are 36 and 31, yes i made some parenting mistakes but I have always owned up to them. Recently I spoke to both of my kids about a hard period in their childhood after I divorced their Dad, and I apologised for how I struggled then and how it may have affected them. They appreciated the opportunity to talk about it - although they insisted I didn't need to apologise.

I’m aghast at the number of people telling the OP to ‘get a grip’ and get over this incident when it happened in the context of a childhood which involving witnessing the ongoing abuse of her mother by an alcoholic father. It must have been an incredibly frightening moment when the person she relied on for safety slapped her hard in the face and used abusive language. She was a thirteen year old child!

Lots of compassion for the mother and what she was going through and why that might have caused her to lash out. Next to none for a child in a scary and destabilising home environment. And even blame because she was ‘making her mother late’ and potentially exhibiting difficult behaviour. The OP hasn’t actually described her behaviour, but if it was challenging it’s very likely a function of what was going on in the home. Witnessing domestic abuse in the home is recognised as a major adverse childhood life event with longterm impact.

We can have compassion for what the mother was experiencing whilst recognising that physical violence and verbal abuse of any kind is unacceptable. Even 20 years ago, a slap to the face and telling a child to “shut the fuck up” would have raised concerns. In reality, the OP grew up in a dysfunctional environment and unable to fully rely on any adult in her life to protect her. That’s not being ‘very lucky’ or something you can tell someone to just ‘get over’. She’s entitled to her feelings.

Why are you still bringing it up now though after all these years ? Do you want drama ? It is not a big deal to have one slap off your mum surely ?
let it go !

Yet another nasty and uncalled for comment. If you have nothing nice to say don’t say it at all!

The slap isn’t even half the problem. The lying - for years and years, making your own daughter doubt her version of the truth - is the bit that causes the trauma.

We are hard-wired to love our primary caregivers, but in the teenage years we start to test boundaries. All very normal, healthy even. Indicating in any way that slapping a child is ok is dead wrong. As a parent your job is hold the line, not lash out.

I’m sorry @fastfood if you were slapped or hurt, which makes you think this is normal or ok. It isn’t.

It’s understandable the OP is still upset about it; her primary caregiver broke her trust, then made it a thousand times worse by lying about it.

@Yesitsweird I never thought I'd see the day on mumsnet when support for a woman who'd been hit as a child is disparaged as virtue-signalling and performative empathy. Not to mention all the people falling over themselves to make excuses for her abuser. It's sickening.

Did you read OP's post?

My mum slapped me once, right across the face. I was being a horrible, nasty little cow.

I remember it sure, but I also remember that I was absolutely horrible and had pushed her to the end of her rope. I also remember how much she loved me, and that it was the one and only time she smacked me.

Don't know if she remembers it, because I wouldn't ever bring it up. It's not important to me. It sounds like it is to you, not because it was a one-off event that you provoked (as I did) but because you lived in a dysfunctional home and neither parent could or would accept their own behaviour.

I am sorry, and you're entitled to your feelings - but what do you want to happen? I think you may need to accept that your mum was an adult with things going on herself (as it sounds like your dad was abusive in more ways than one) and she may not have made the best decisions or been in the best place herself. We're all only here for the first time, she was just a mum like you're going to be a mum. She was probably so ashamed. You don't mention how your relationship is now other than she has never fully accepted she did that?

Interesting edit you made on this post

You said ‘did it give you ptsd?’ Then edited your comment straight after. Did you think we wouldn’t see you trivialising PTSD? Are you regretting showing your true colours?

Same. Mine slapped me round the face, In front of friends. It was NYE. She had given me (13) and friends a small amount of alcohol and we helped ourselves to a small amount extra.
Seriously crappy parenting on her part all round.
I remember the terrible hurt and shame so clearly.
I made a mistake, yes. I was giddy and showing off. But I was a nice kid and meant no harm. She slapped me like she hated me and walked away.
She also slapped me aged 21 but that time I cornered her and told her if she ever hit me again I would hit her back twice as hard. She has always had a horrible aggressive temper and has never, to my knowledge, apologised for anything.

I was taking the piss, but yes I changed my mind.

I was making the point that these small life events aren't PTSD. In the same way it's a bit full on for it to be 'sickening'

I didn't say a slap was normal.
I said: having unpleasant memories is normal.

I hate to think what the children of these posters defending child abuse put up with at home, it’s incredibly sad. Nothing ever excuses hitting a child.