To think that mothers just care more about the kids than fathers do? In most cases?

Women have jobs where they can't access phones during work time either. They do the admin in the evening.

Even if mother is SAHM - husband should know about their kids life and routine. Sadly, 90% of husbands I know (family+friends) would have no bloody idea what to do if wife would have medical emergency, die, etc. Most of them couldn't tell you which class their kids are at school, nevermind details about PE days, clubs, etc.

I think it depends where you live. In the southeast I knew some sahms, the men generally had very demanding jobs and commutes that made it tough for them to work as well. I think this has really changed over the last 10 years though. 12 years ago I was the real exception going back to work full time after 2 kids, not sure that’s so rare these days.

Biologically, males and females have very different reproductive strategies, determined by their biology. Women get pregnant, carry the developing foetus for 9 months, then are designed to feed and support that child for years after. Men OTOH can get as many women pregnant as they can persuade to have sex with them. So while females are very heavily invested in every pregnancy, males don’t need to be. Pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding has a huge impact on the female body, and we are made to bond closely with that baby - we have so much invested in them.

Clearly men can choose to dedicate themselves to being loyal husbands and great fathers (and I’m glad so many do). But biology has given them other options in the race to reproductive success. Women don’t have other options, we have to make every pregnancy count and nature designed us to prioritise that.

Depends on the father. My husband is well and truly in his dad era.

Oh come off it! Just look at all the menopause threads!

Is it peri? 🙄

Perhaps you have not yet hit perimenopause, hormones seem to be all anyone talks about these days!

Hmm interesting. In my own marriage I definitely think there is some truth to this, however I would say in our case personality comes into it quite a bit. I am an over thinker, I stress and worry a lot, I am tracking their grades and worrying about how much money they will make as adults, DH is much more laid back!

He is a loving and caring father, and some parts of parenthood have actually come more naturally to him than it has me. But DH doesn’t worry about long term health implications of a bad diet, he just doesnt think like that, he’s much more in the moment than me. He would be at the hospital as fast as me if we got a call. He wouldn’t think twice about taking a day off to watch them if they’re ill. But I’m the one chasing down teachers and finding hobbies. I wouldn’t say he doesn’t care, he just doesn’t over think to the same degree I do.

All in all I think we make a great team and I think our children are lucky to have us both. The older I get, the more I’m valuing the roles fathers have to play.

But this is just my marriage, there are a lot of shit dads out there, far, far more shit dads than there are shit mums.

It's rare for women to abandon kids after a divorce. It's not uncommon for men to have nothing to do with their children after divorce.

This nails it exactly.

I'm not sure I agree. I think women and men both want children for different reason. Women, often to nurture something. Men often for status and legacy.

In the case of the abandoning men I'd say they view the children as inconveniences which they have to tolerate in order to gain the advantage of a having a female slave to do all the drudge work so that they can prioritise themselves and their earning capacity.
Once they lose access to the female slave there is no point in engaging with the children.

I don’t think care less but show that care in a different way. For example, with mum friends, kids are likely to be a topic of conversation. When my husband goes out with his ‘dad’ friends they rarely talk about the kids in the same way.

Eg my husband probably doesn’t give a shit about arranging brownies but is quite happy to drive our children to sports activities of a weekend whereas I’m less inclined to be a taxi. I have always done more proactively re music practice, school work etc whereas he’s more of the view that I over manage and they just need to learn to crack on. His approach is probably more conducive to older children but feels like I’ve done the drudge work while they’re younger.

My ex/ younger children dad just thinks about himself. He used to take his hearing aids out so he wouldn't get woken in the night the worst ever time he done it was when I had to go into hospital with new born because he had Jaundice. He still took his hearing aids out. I found out that at my 14 year old ds had been doing nappy changes. And settling 13th month old back to sleep and taking him in his bed when he wouldn't settle. I should have fucked him off then.

Another time we were eating out as a family. I had 3 kids that needed help cutting up food etc. So before i eat i have to help them. I asked ex to help and his reply was my foods getting cold.

Basically he dome sweet FA with the kids. It didn't realise at the time when we split up he said he will pop in to see the kids but he won't take them until they ate a little older more independent. I agreed because I wanted it kids with me. But at the time I hadn't realised it was about him. Hes been having them every other weekend for a long time now. Hes never cooked them a meal. They live on take aways. Probably not the end of the world because its every other weekend. But they are 10 and 11 and hes never cooked them a meal.

He didn't ask me once about ds secondary school about what schools we looked at what schools we put down. Or what school he got.

But he does do all the fun Disney dad bits. And everyone thinks the sun shines out of his arse 🙄

That’s interesting. I can hand on heart say in this situation DH wouldn’t take them. My eldest son would though 🤣

I thinks it's a difference in mental ability than emotional caring.

DH cares more than I do probably but it wouldn't cross his mind to doubt his approach to parenting. He would be as likely to seek advice on a forum as fly to the moon 😅

He would absolutely research stuff and read various articles but he wouldn't engage in a back and forth like this.

I remember a woman posting on here saying when they had their newborn baby, only she was getting up in the night when he cried. The father said he was a deep sleeper and simply didn't hear the baby cry.

After about five nights of this, the woman said, this is not okay. If I can hear the baby cry, you can hear the baby cry. I don't care if you only sleep half asleep, you will hear the baby and get up to deal with him or we will be over.

Magically the father started hearing the baby cry too and got up to deal with him.

Too many men are lazy and just leave it to the woman to give a shit.

Over 16 million women work in the UK to provide financial support for their families- that's over 72% of the female population. Its about 78% of the male population in the UK in work. Not a great deal of difference in it

I agree. At my children’s primary school a lot of the mum have careers earning just as much or more than their partners and yet they still shoulder most if not all of the day to day school stuff. Some dads don’t even attend parents evening. Just this week I had a mum who is separated tell me she’s had to call in a favour from her separated husband/dad of son because she had a work meeting. He reluctantly agreed to pick up their child and have him for a couple of hours. Mind blowing!

In many cases you’re right. But it’s not a question of nature, it’s socialisation, in my opinion.

Disagree strongly.

DH has always been a fab dad to both our DC. They're adults now but he still tries to be involved as much as ever. They do push back a bit these days, in the kindest way, but they do very much appreciate that he will be there at the push of a button if they need him.

My exh would definitely take them - he’d eat anything not nailed down. But he wouldn’t object if someone else took them if they were there first.

My Dad would probably expect other members of the family to leave the best bit or the last of something for him, directly because that was how his Dad behaved. He’s considerate in other ways but has real issues about food.

Lots of millennial Dads I know are better and do put their kids needs first - I think there’s been a real shift between Gen X and millennial dads - but I probably mean middle class/ educated men tbh

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing you are making big class assumptions. Working class men statistically do more housework than middle class men.