Should I tell my daughter she's got post?

The op has said she tries repeatedly to engage

AIBU to leave it, even though they look like important letters?

That is passive aggressive.

And yet she is on MN asking if she should communicate a basic fact or play a weird game about it.

Soo I'm going to call that "unreliable narration".

One reminder to an adult child living at home that she has post on the table is an ok thing to do. I suspect that it's not the post but her general attitude and sense of entitlement that is annoying you.

I think you need to set out your expectations of any adult child returning to live at home. Like laundry, cleaning her own room, bathroom sharing, using utilities, cleaning up any mess kitchen, sharing fridge, contributions to bills etc , communicating if she's in for meals or not.

Not eating in her room would be one of mine if she's prone to leave half eaten means pushed under the bed

Just put them on her bed

Just tell her they are there and going forwards she's no longer welcome to stay if she treats the place like a hotel.

It’s normal in my world to say “post arrived for you, I’ve put it in your room” 🤷‍♀️

“You aren’t acting exactly as I want you to (but haven’t set any expectations) therefore I am throwing you out.

Fast forward ten years “my daughter never visits” 👍

Bloody hell, JUST TELL HER.🙄

You are being ridiculous.

It is a funny time when they are home for holidays but away for University.

Yes, legally they are adults, but they have got used to different routines (or lack of routines) and eating at different times, and usually being far more flexible than a normal routine in a family home is able to be. There is also an element of all of us reverting to childhood roles when home with our parents.

It seems odd that you can't communicate with your own dd.
Yes, I have found it frustrating, but I've always taken them out for lunch, or asked them if they wanted to come to X or Y with me, or watch a film or something, and I've counted to 10 about the things that are a bit annoying. I can't imagine not interacting with once of my dc whilst they are living in the same house.

As for not saying 'there's a letter for you' either when you see her, or by WhatsApp, that's just beyond childish. Who exactly is benefiting from that ?

They are separate issues. The post, just tell her it's there. The rest, these issues should have been addressed years ago, but it's not too late now. She doesn't get to treat the house like a hotel. If you want her to eat with the family, that's what she does or she doesn't eat. If you don't want to cook a separate meal for her, then don't. Let her cook her own and make sure that she cleans up fterwards. If she steps over something on the floor, tell her to pick it up. You can't force her to engage with the rest of the household, but she can show some basic respect and consideration. If she has been allowed to act a certain way, YABU to complain about her behaviour.

If you have told her there is post and she has ignored you then I would pick it up and put it in her room.

I would not allow someone in my home to regularly (always) grab food I have made and blank me. I wouldn’t cook for them and they would be given a cupboard and told to start buying their own meals at that age. How much longer has she got left at college/university and what is the plan for after? How do you think it will be having to live together again after graduation if this continues? At her age she could also contribute to the home by chores and sharing the domestic load. All young adults at home should. Not unreasonable at all to expect.

I didn't suggest what you've said - you're making things up.

Why wouldn’t you tell her that she has post? I don’t understand?

And she’s NOT ND? Riiiiight,,,

Well that’s what the thread is about, and I can only go off what you say…. So no, I’m not making things up.

Good grief, I didn't offer any opinions, I asked two questions which I felt were pertinent. All the rest is from your head.

Because, in short, it’s payback for treating her home, to quote the OP, as a hotel.

Well OPs question was ‘should I tell her she has post’ and you asked whether or not she pays keep, because you think it makes a difference to the situation. I’ve made nothing up, that’s what you’ve said.

To be honest, we’re not going anywhere with this and clogging up the thread so this will be my final comment to you.

I asked two questions which I felt were pertinent to the issue. The questions weren’t answered but you extrapolated my reasoning to ‘Why would you say ‘post has come for you’ if the person pays keep, but say silent if they don’t (even though that’s your choice).’

Which was not my reasoning because I hadn’t had the information I sought, so didn’t, and still don’t, have an opinion. You have assumed my opinion. There are more solutions/options than the two you gave.

Send her a Whatsapp that she has post that's been sat there for ages.

And stop cooking for her.

I disagreed that paying keep was relevant, and you said that I’m ‘making things up’ rather than discuss or anything else. Its fair enough if you don’t want to discuss anything, but saying I’m making things up just isn’t true, I disagreed with your opinion that it’s relevant and explained why, that doesn’t make me a liar. I guess OP agreed that it’s not relevant wether or not she pays keep either.

Just tell her, it’s not difficult.

Mine at 23 also ignores all letters.

She's 21 and acts like this? You would have hoped living away would have taught her to be more independent and considerate of the household. Keep nagging, you could be petty and stick notes up?