Should I tell my daughter she's got post?

DD(21) is home from college for the summer. She acts like nothing more than a lodger. Will grace us with her presence when it's time to eat only and will spend 24/7 on her phone locked in room otherwise. Never makes time for the rest of the family but will happily go out with friends.

I don't really see the problem with this. She's an adult. She's not hanging out with the family every day when she's away at university so why would she need to do that during the summer holidays? She's in her room. She's not harming anyone. She's not in the way. If she was hogging the living room all day to lie on the sofa and watch Netflix then sure, that would be a problem. But simply keeping herself mostly to herself and joining the family for meals seems perfectly fine for an adult child.

And of course she'll happily go out with friends. She's a grown woman in her 20s.

You're saying she acts like a lodger - but that's effectively what she is. She's away at uni most of the time, living with friends. That's where her 'normal' life is.

Yes, it's irritating that she hasn't noticed her post, but you could have avoided that irritation by simply saying 'There's post for you on the table' when she came down, rather than playing weird mind games and implementing stand-off over something this trivial.

I would mention she has post.

I would also have a separate conversation about her behaviour and your expectations.

I put mine where he can see it, on the stairs so when he’s coming up or down he can pick it up, on the bench by the door for the same reason, or next to the coffee machine he uses daily. Maybe I’ll say, ‘you’ve got post’ just because that’s what you do when someone gets post.
Leaving it festering on a coffee table in a room it doesn’t sound like she uses much sounds like you’ve entered into a passive aggressive game only you’re playing.

I don't see why that's a problem either, to be honest.

I put parcels and letter on Dd's bed if she's not home. If she is I hand it to her.

If you want her to move them then tell her to do so. If you don't care if they stay there ad infinitum don't say anything.

Stop cooking for her. I don't think that being on the phone and spending a lot of time in your room and with friends is that dreadful for a 21 yo student. But if you can't afford to keep her then tell her she must pay rent.

My eldest was like this and you need to start on some tough love. Why on earth are you cooking her meals and why are you allowing her to take it upstairs to eat? I’d be expecting her to make you dinner At least once a week more if she sat around doing nothing. Does she not have any chores?

if she’s going back to college shortly you may decide to leave it this time but if she’s finished, She needs to grow up and the only way you’re going to help her do that by giving her some responsibility. Honestly I dragged it on for far too long and it’s really not Doing the many favours and he’s awful to live with and for your relationship. Once she’s finished college set some ground rules, charge her rent (even if it’s token/saved for her) and make sure she’s responsible for her own cooking & washing if she won’t engage as a family & share.

We had the same this summer with dd. She barely spoke and floated around for 2 months. I'd finally had enough and forced her to speak to us. She burst into tears and said she just didn't want to be here, she wanted to be back in her university city; she felt guilty as she'd applied for over 100 (I saw them) summer jobs and had only managed to get a few hours at one so was dependent on us, and generally felt lonely - despite having friends here she spent time with.
We had a long talk and I just said we wanted the manners she'd been brought up with and to speak about how she felt.
It was the right thing to do and the final few weeks were much nicer. We saw each other's view and worked it out

i think I’d ask if she was going to eat with the family and if not, I wouldn’t cook for her. I’m not her servant. She can cook for herself when she is ready.

Put it on her bed. Up to her from there

downstairs with everyone else’s post likely to get missed /forgotten

I probably wouldn't cook for her if she is just emerging to eat she can cook her own food. I had adult children living here they had to communicate plans if they were in or out , im not a skivvy you are not a skivvy, your house isn't a B&B would you let say your husband or Sibling behave like this is your house?

What's the harm in making a bit of extra food for your own daughter?

I just worry that some of the tough love attitude might make young adults feel rejected and therefore less secure, just when they're launching themselves into adult life.

Twentyish years of love, effort and care, just to knock their confidence when they most need it.

Obviously I don't mean that rudeness should be tolerated.

I'd shove it under her door next time I went upstairs. That way it wouldn't annoy me cluttering up the hall. It's up to her if she opens it.

(My husband leaves post lying around for days/weeks and I've taken to putting it in the desk in his study so there isn't a big pile in the hallway. I admit it makes me anxious as I'm a solicitor and leaving paperwork ignored makes me twitchy!)

But it's clear that her lack of engagement is what is bothering you. Have you told her that you find it rude?

There is no need for 21 year olds to opt out of life, it is rude to emerge to eat and expect food to magically be there, not speaking to the people that she lives with her family her mother is rude and ill mannered, you can only offer so much love effort and care, when it is getting rebuffed. Adults are not entitled to ignore their loving and caring parents and take advantage.

seems like two different issues and not to be dealt with as connected. She probably thinks the post on the table is yours since you undoubtedly receive the majority of post. So tell her the post is for her, or put it in her room (at least you won't have it cluttering your coffee table). Deal with the other legitimate issues separately.

Yes this, either tell her or give her the post.

Sometimes people on Mumsnet feel like space aliens trying to work out how human life works...

If you want your daughter to move her post, ask her to.

If she doesn't and it annoys you to see it on the coffee table, put it in her bedroom.

How is any of this difficult?

If she’s not noticing post I’m assuming she isn’t on the cleaning rota either.

I hardly see my 20 something dd some weeks and she lives with us full time. If she doesn't notice post that has arrived for her on the hall table, I just take it up to her room. What's the big deal? (I understand you're annoyed she doesn't interact much but she probably finds home life hard after having lived independently. She'll mature eventually, hopefully.)

This thread is a bit sad. Have you considered what's led to her feeling so estranged and uncomfy around you?

The lack of communication from everyone is sad, I agree with you nobody speaking or even passing the time of day is odd.

Yes, I'm not saying it's all on OP, but "hey, you haven't got your post... I've noticed I always have to tell you because you aren't down here a lot. Is everything alright?" would go a long way!

She sounds really rude, OP. Doesn't she ever just have a chat with you?

I am not saying everyone has to be all happy families but it just sounds miserable.

You reared her.
Did you spoil her when she was younger and do everything for her ?
She doesn’t sound very nice.