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AIBU?

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Should I tell my daughter she's got post?

136 replies

statement · 10/09/2026 13:24

DD(21) is home from college for the summer. She acts like nothing more than a lodger. Will grace us with her presence when it's time to eat only and will spend 24/7 on her phone locked in room otherwise. Never makes time for the rest of the family but will happily go out with friends. She's had a few letters and a parcel which has been on the coffee table for two weeks. For context it's not a messy house, there's nothing else on the table but her letters and parcel. But this is her way, she notices nothing about the household and acts like it's a hotel. If something has fallen on the floor she will step round it. Everything has to be pointed out to her every single time. This has happened before when her driving licence arrived. It was on the table for a few weeks and she asked me if it had come and I said yes there it is. If I hadn't told her it would have been there for the rest of her life. No ND, all regular.

AIBU to leave it, even though they look like important letters?

OP posts:
HeckYeah · 10/09/2026 13:27

Just tell her..

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/09/2026 13:27

Have you considered making her engage with the household a bit? Do you not speak at all when eating?
Id have told her there was post when it arrived as that’s just a normal thing to do rather than leaving it to be found to be honest. I’m not suggesting she’s not being a pain, but it’s just normal if you pick up the post to say to the other person in your house ‘some post came for you’.

grumpygrape · 10/09/2026 13:28

Isn't summer over now? How much keep does she pay?

LongTallTally · 10/09/2026 13:29

I guess it depends on whether you want to be a grown up or play games with a 21 year old.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/09/2026 13:29

grumpygrape · 10/09/2026 13:28

Isn't summer over now? How much keep does she pay?

Why? Do you think if she pays keep it makes a difference to saying when post has come?

statement · 10/09/2026 13:32

Yes I have tried to engage her! All the time.

OP posts:
ChequerToRed · 10/09/2026 13:32

Ignore the letters, she’s an adult and you’re not her personal PA.
Also, if she’s treating your house like she’s just a lodger, then she can start contributing financially or find some where else to live outside of term time.
Change the Wi-Fi password.
My son is the same age, but he’s perfectly sociable, does chores such as bringing in laundry and clearing up after dinner. I’d never let him behave like your daughter.
Put your foot down.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/09/2026 13:33

Clearly not if you’ve not mentioned post in 2 weeks

SleeplessRoads · 10/09/2026 13:34

I’d tell her one more time that you’re putting her post there. I’d put it in her room because I wouldn’t want it in my line of sight permanently. But no, you don’t need to notify her every time a letter arrives.

MelonSorbet · 10/09/2026 13:34

Go and put the post on her bed.

Firefly100 · 10/09/2026 13:34

I wouldn’t tell her. Serves her right. If she asks I’d even say ‘I don’t know, have a look’

Ifeeltheneedtheneedforcoffee · 10/09/2026 13:35

Isn't it basic manners to say "post has arrived for you, I've put it on the coffee table"
Ive said it several times this week I didn't know it was information that needed to be earnt

Lurkingandlearning · 10/09/2026 13:38

.

grumpygrape · 10/09/2026 13:38

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/09/2026 13:29

Why? Do you think if she pays keep it makes a difference to saying when post has come?

It makes a difference to the situation.

risingup · 10/09/2026 13:39

Yes just tell her. Otherwise you're being as bad as she is really.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/09/2026 13:40

grumpygrape · 10/09/2026 13:38

It makes a difference to the situation.

I disagree. Why would you say ‘post has come for you’ if the person pays keep, but say silent if they don’t (even though that’s your choice). That’s just strange

Sparrowsandbudgies · 10/09/2026 13:40

My dd aged 23 is very similar. I put her post in the doorway to her bedroom.

LilyBunch25 · 10/09/2026 13:42

Just put it in her room? Regardless, though, I'd be expecting more effort from her side.

BudgetBuster · 10/09/2026 13:45

She probably thinks you're keeping letters and crap on the table. She probably has no idea its her post cluttering the place.

I can't fathom why when you see her at mealtimes etc you don't just naturally say "oh I left your post on the table" each day when it comes... thats just basic politeness. Leaving it pile up seems passive aggressive.

Workplacedilemma84 · 10/09/2026 13:49

statement · 10/09/2026 13:24

DD(21) is home from college for the summer. She acts like nothing more than a lodger. Will grace us with her presence when it's time to eat only and will spend 24/7 on her phone locked in room otherwise. Never makes time for the rest of the family but will happily go out with friends. She's had a few letters and a parcel which has been on the coffee table for two weeks. For context it's not a messy house, there's nothing else on the table but her letters and parcel. But this is her way, she notices nothing about the household and acts like it's a hotel. If something has fallen on the floor she will step round it. Everything has to be pointed out to her every single time. This has happened before when her driving licence arrived. It was on the table for a few weeks and she asked me if it had come and I said yes there it is. If I hadn't told her it would have been there for the rest of her life. No ND, all regular.

AIBU to leave it, even though they look like important letters?

"I'm so lucky that my DD still wants to stay with us in the summer. She is off enjoying her independent life, and I'm so proud to see her branching out and living her own life. She joins us for mealtimes so I get t9 see her regularly. She trusts us enough to leave her post in communal areas. I'm so glad she is home and she is safe"

There ya go OP, I fixed it for you :)

Cocopogo · 10/09/2026 13:54

Workplacedilemma84 · 10/09/2026 13:49

"I'm so lucky that my DD still wants to stay with us in the summer. She is off enjoying her independent life, and I'm so proud to see her branching out and living her own life. She joins us for mealtimes so I get t9 see her regularly. She trusts us enough to leave her post in communal areas. I'm so glad she is home and she is safe"

There ya go OP, I fixed it for you :)

Oh great, now we should be grateful for our kids to bother turning up? Wow.

Createausername1970 · 10/09/2026 13:55

I think it's usual to tell someone they have post when it first arrives.

The standard rule in our house is that whoever picks the post up off the mat does say "there is post for you in the kitchen".

Anything still sitting there when I give the kitchen a bit of a once over gets opened by me, regardless of who it's addressed to. Anything that needs to be kept gets filed away and added to the calendar if appropriate, the rest goes into the recycling bin.

Workplacedilemma84 · 10/09/2026 13:57

Cocopogo · 10/09/2026 13:54

Oh great, now we should be grateful for our kids to bother turning up? Wow.

Yeah, yeah you should.

statement · 10/09/2026 14:27

Workplacedilemma84 · 10/09/2026 13:49

"I'm so lucky that my DD still wants to stay with us in the summer. She is off enjoying her independent life, and I'm so proud to see her branching out and living her own life. She joins us for mealtimes so I get t9 see her regularly. She trusts us enough to leave her post in communal areas. I'm so glad she is home and she is safe"

There ya go OP, I fixed it for you :)

Come on, this should win an award for the most ridiculous post out there. She trusts us enough to leave her post in communal areas? Is it normal in your world to pilfer things from your kids?

OP posts:
statement · 10/09/2026 14:30

Interesting split of opinions. I haven't made up my mind yet. We don't necessarily say there's a letter for you or whatever. Yes sometimes we do, but not if we've not seen the person for a whole day or whatever then it's normal to forget. The post is always left in the same place. Also, if there are letters on the floor by the door DD would never never pick it up. In fact she'd step over it to go in or out.

OP posts: